a bit of survivor's guilt, if you will.

November 13, 2008

Songs have come out in the past 6 months. It jars me to think that he hasn’t heard them. I hear songs from our childhood and think, he knew this just as well as I did. He could sing along to it just as loudly as I could. This new song, he never knew. A huge summer song that is part of everyone’s life and pop culture knowledge, he doesn’t know. He’s out of the loop. I’m so used to him being in.

I had given him a scarf for Christmas. It made its way back to me, by a mix of fate, God and my mom, within two days of him passing. I wore it and slept with it for days, because it smelt like him. That scent eventually faded and turned into mine and now I don't have anything.

A baby cousin was born a few weeks ago. He won’t know him. He can’t share in the joy that comes with birth, that which is life’s balance to death. We all mourned him and now the same people are celebrating a new face and a new life.

I start to feel a bit spoiled, that I am still experiencing everything when he can’t. I am seeing the sun come out for a week at a time, I still get to dance in the rain. I get to new Guns n Roses’ cd, one which he would’ve loved to hear… he can’t. I get to hug my mom and call her. He can’t. I can drive a car, one of his favorite things to do. He can’t. Survivor’s guilt?

I know, I know.. “He can still see that movie and hear that song. He can visit my mom whenever he wants to. He’s in eternal sunshine”. It’s not the same. It helps... but it’s not the same. We talk about the people who are left having to adjust, but what about the other way around?

Comments

Winnie Loo said: *hug*

Krystal Gustafson said: I second with Winnie *hug* and never forge you have love where ever you go.

Lauren Eberle said: wow, this pertains to everything i've felt with steph. just a week or two ago i was laying in bed listening to someone sing the lyrics to 'thinking of you' by katy perry and i started bawling because of the fact that she would never hear it. you've summed up the past 7 and a half months of my life perfectly with this blog. i lo you. do the things he'd love to do, listen to things he'd love to hear and make sure you do them a little crazier, listen a little louder and he'll be there the whole time. sometimes it feels better to be wild and loud than silent and sad.

Caroline said: I like blogs that make me think. And as weird as it is...I really like to think about what happens after we and our loved ones are gone.

You know I'm obsessed with Elizabethtown. Mitch is the best character of ever. He is dead for the entire movie...but he is the main character. He's in EVERY character on the screen, in EVERY scene of the movie, and in the end, his physical being is scattered EVERYWHERE. I like to think everyone we lose is like Mitch. Not here in the way you remembered them, but still here, dropping signs (like SMG!) to let you know they're not going to go away.

I heart you Deli, and I know nothing any of us say will make the hurt of the confusion or the feelings you can't even describe get any better. And that's what I love about you....you'll never forget, aaaaand end cheesy blog response.

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