so it truly has been ages since i have written a blog, and while not much has changed not much has stayed the same either....

I am working at a new job now, and it was what i thought to be my dream job, but it is maybe turning out to be, not exactly that. I am frustrated and while its a job that i have to stay there some nights, i am homesick, I have never been the type to ever get homesick, but i find myself , crying before i go to sleep most nights. I miss myt boyfriend, when i am there. and i dont feel 100% happy all the time.   I am trying to to do my best, and make it the perfect job i anticipated it would be,  IDK what will become of this latest endeavour i have taken on in my life? But whatever hapens , happens for a a reason, and it is just another challenge in the roller coaster, that we all call life! 

I am very happy that i am getitng to see TC5 this coming week, maybe a good concert , by some good friends, will make my mind a better place.  LOL though its been two years since my last blog, the one thing that has not changed is ... still loving, that one special someone that came into my life almost two yrs ago.  Maybe he is part of the reason , i am so homesick, or maybe its just that i ahve grown and matured in my life , and the type of work i am doing is no longer the dream job , i once percieved it to be!

Once again it has been sometime since i have entered a log on here  As always alot on my mind, but never enuff time in a day to sit down and type a blog, My life has been chaos lately, if u read my last blog ur caught up,   I am happy and in love again, in love thats a place i wasnt sure i was ready to venture to again, but here i am....     this time it feels different, everything about it jjust feels rite?   So it brings me to my inner most thoughts,,,,  Does anyone beleive that when u meet "the one" u just know?   Because i wasnt sure if i felt forever as a possiblilty in my last relationship, but this one forever feels wthin reach,    I miss him after, just kissing him goodnite, i used to make fun of girls like this...      I have become the smitten kitten.   who texts all day, talks on the phone all nite, and sees my boyfreind every day, Id this how the prospect of forever feels, i hope so because i dont EVER want this feelin to go away..  

On another note, i am excited about NEW MOON 2moro!   Hope it a good movie!  Only  vampire can love u forever.   LOL

well its been a long while since i have written a blog for one love, alot of things going on in my life. 

I lost a dear friend, to the war in Iraq a fw weeks ago, my heart and my prayers go out to his family and his wife, and unborn child. 

and another person in my life came home from Iraq, But wait a minute ,REWIND ...  it was a realationship that had lots of problems, A reationship that i felt diminishing for a while....  It was time for it to end.   I didnt want to do it while he was over there serving our country,  Perhaps i should have,,, But its over now....   Fast Forward.....   theres some one new!   Have u ever met some one who when u began talkin to them the world stopped turning and it seemed like u two were the only ones in the room?   this is my reality.  Is this a soul mate?  Is this the ONE!?     nothing comes for free,,,,, Hes got "baggage"   a beautiful little girl.  and the drama doesnt stop there,,, my mom HATES him bc of this....  almost un wiling to give him any chance,,,,,  shes so old fashioned.      OMG ...  Hes evverything to me!  He makes my world a MUCH happier place....  Cant my mo just see this smile he and the little one bring to my face?

i struggle with words so much, idk what to say or do many times,  I feel like i face so many challenges in my life and that every one shapes my life and shapes my heart.  I struggle with love, and life and don't know what to think of so many things, why do so many things in life have to shape ur heart in painful ways, 

why do so many things that happen in life have to break a little piece off of that heart tht has already seen so many hardships, i am not talking just of love, crushes etc, though that could certainley be part of it, But it hard to face reality and to know all the time what i want , who i want and where i want to be?  Some times i think tht people come into my life for a reason i get attached to those people and the ideals of where i want to be,  all in different ways, and even though like i said its not always true love that breaks ur heart, but also other things,  does any one understand what i mean? my heart is always broken in some way or another....  maybe  its i know what i want , but i don't kow exactly how to go about getting the things that i want...  and it hurts to see those things and /or people break my heart yet again....   i guess i can only pray for some things to go my way,,,, and to help me thru it all ALL U NEED IS LOVE, THATS all i need not too much to ask?

well its seems that summer is upon us, its my favorite time of year.   Its the time of year when i spend most of days outside as much as i can.  And the time of year that i fond myself very nostalgic for the days when i worked at sleep away summer camps.    what great days those were, i made friendships taht will last a lifetime, and prob. just had the BEST time of my life.   I am torn this year, because i was considering going back to my beloved camp for one final hurrah!  One last summer before i decide i need to grow up, HAHA   But theres issues with that, My beloved Camp thts known as CCW is not in need of any staff,  I have to wonder how that can be true since camps alwys seem to be short staffed. 

But Enter Camp Lackawanna, its a church camp rather close to my suburban Pennsulvania home.  and i was looking at flyers on the bulletin board in the local library the other day, i came across there brochure and it said that they still needed staff, So i called them.  They said they have postions available. And want to interview me. I am beyond excited.  Because well its not the camp i grew up at but its a nice camp, i was there once last year for a festival.  Vosburg Neck Festival, I guess that is for sure a local term, but to explian it Vosburg is the name of the town and the Vosburg neck is at what they call the Neck of the Susquehanna River, Look it up on Google Maps lol i promise its there. But anyways, do i go to this camp or not?  I am torn, as i need a stress relief from my real job, and i know that my boss will give me leave for a few months to go, that is not the issue. I got a new puppy this spring, and i don't know if i can leave him.  LOL  I know my dad will take care of him, so should i try this camp???    

And i've pretty much given up on the boys situation that i blogged about before, boys are stupid.   LOL the one in Iraq sends me messages saying i am insulting him because i told him i was having fun hile he was a way,  saying tha he offended that i am having "so much fun w/out him."   well what does he want me to do sit around AND CRY my days away just pining for him?   yeah i miss him, yeah i worry about him, yeah i love him with all my heart , but 6 months is too long to sit around eating ice cream and crying.  thats another reason going to a camp will be good a pleasant distraction from all the chaos i call life, and a way to keep my mind busy, because i don't do that enough at my ob i have now....       Ok One Lovers, talk to ya all soon...    let me know if you all think i should go to camp, or if anyone wants to join me , i am sure that they need other people to work there for the summer too.......

With someone you love so far away, fighting a war , its hard sometimes to enjoy the holidays, an holidays.  But truly the big ones are hardest, Xmas, Easter etc.    But today i got a great surprise.  Flowers and Balloons and a teddy bear...  sent with love from Iraq.   LOL 

And the day was great. I played with my puppy, Scout, and my niece and nephew.  Now the puppy is so tired. he will probably sleep for days.  ＬＯＬ I love my family and my friends, especially those who ar good at talking me thru, this ordeal and confusion i am going thru in my "realtionshiP' right now.  Those who are nearest and dearest to me, who I talk to freely about these problems... you know who you are.. and i thank you.  

Theres been something else on my mind, one of these people that i tell alot to, who has been helping me alot, brought something to my attention a few weeks ago,  and since then if possible life had become more complicated.   a guy, of course when are they not complicated.. LOL But ok, heres the sitaution.   this guy friend, who was ALWAYS just a friend, for like 11 years or more. Suddenly gets mad, that i have interest in someone else.   and envy that i am "dating' someone else.  This same guy, for many years , would say to me,  " Don't get attached to me" I don'r want a GF."   Now all of a sudden I am finally finding my way, moving on, loving , laughing, again.  but NOW he wants to be with me.... "We always want what we cant have"    so i am told.  But what about things that we could have had, didn't want them then, but now that the chance has maybe passed, why do we change our mind , suddenley wanting that chance to manifest itself again?      Arg.  Why is it so complicated.   I know where i am, know what i want, and know where i have to take myself , and what i have to do to get there....   But why is it, that curve balls always get in the way , causing confusion or compliation in life.   I guess if the roads we travled on were always perfectly straight , no curves, no bumps,   we'd get bored.     So life is like that road,

and the question is do we take the super highway, the local road we are used to , or do we take the road less traveled , and pursue the BIG chance, in risk of losing your self along the way?   Like i said i am happy where i am right now, in life.  and dont want to sisk loss for something that is certainley just the grass looking greener on the other side.....  

oH AND MY BIG EXCITEMENT FOR THE DAY, I GOT MY FIRST BOOK REVIEW PUBLISHED.  IT WAS ON A LOCAL LEVEL, BUT HEY I GOTTA START SOMEWHERE!  ITS STEPPING STONE TO BIGGER AND BETTER!   i HOPE!

OMFG i just sent and email containing pictures to my boyfriend who is in Iraq right now... he wanted some pics of me... I do not have that many pics on my photo manager but a few and they all seem to start with either my name or intials         I accidentaly sent him a pic of me with BEN Romans ......LMAO  I know that he didnt want pics of me with Ben,,, In fact he , i think,    in some ways he is jealous,,, of my freindship and  admiration for Ben,,, and Ben's music  .......                    I sent a letter apologized and now all i can do is pray that he forgives me Please GOD  LOL

I am back with my boyfriend truly,,we had a fight, a few oonths back, but the last two have been amazing, I had to say a very sad goodbyes day,,,,  I love him with all my heart,,, and know that he loves me too,,, and know tht since we have been thru so much, tht i pray for his return to me,,, so that we can go thru w our plans,,,, we have so many....  But.....my eyes are full of tears as i type this, and i can see the baby blue of his, as though they are right here in front of me,,,, I wish they were...

today, my boyfriend left for Iraq.  I have been a wreck all weekend.  and though i tried my hardest to be strong and not cry in the airport , to be strng  , for him.  I couldn't. When i saw him walk away from me thru the security gates, i lost it.   Tears rolling down my face.   I realized how much i truly do love him today.....   yes we have our fights and who doesn't what  relationship doesn't ?  He and i have endured so much togehter...   Including the ever present annoyance of  A GIRL THT HE CALLS HIS STALKER.     She insists becauce he met her at work and talked to her and added her on my space,,,, that she is in a realtionship wirh him....   She annoys the crap put of me...  her status on my space says"   Going to sleep , can't believe he is leaaving tomoz'    Well bitch, you went to bed alone, unable to beleive that he was leaving,,,,I went to bed,  WITH HIM, In HIS BeD!    Thinking the same thing.... And i am the one that he kissed passionatley and cried with at the airport this morning,,,,,,,, But still her statuses and comments hurt so much.....but i am the one who is with him so why does this girl get 2 me soooooooooooo much?

I guess that i can make it thru this absence, .... again.   and if what is said is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by all means... for us.. it can't be bad...    and another song comes 2 mind,

"Your eyes, from Rent:"

"Your eyes , as we said or goodbyes, Can't get them out of my mind and i find, i cant hide (from) your eyes. The ones that took me by surprise . The night you came into my life. Where theres moonlight i see your eyes. How'd i let you slip away, when i am longing so to hold you. Now i'd die for one more day cos theres something i shiuld have told you,,,,when i looked into your eyes, why does distance make us wise, when  thers something i should have told you.... You were the song all along.....  and before the song dies,.,  I should tell you , i should tell you.....I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.....YOU CAN SEE IT IN MY EYES....."

SO I HOPE AND PRAY FOR HIS SAFE RETURN TO ME,,,, HOPE MY ONE LOVE FRIENDS WILL SAY AN EXTRA PRAYER, FOR THE man who it took some agonzing , trails, hardships, a stalker, and now the distance of a year long deployment for me to see that he is my true love....       I hope that he can see this too ... When he looks into my eyes.....

In the pasrt week I have had a major lesson in the fragilness of life.  I was on a lovley vacation , nad all this stuff happenend while I was away. ....    my on again , off again boyfriend found out for sure that he is leaving for Iraq in March, I am upset by this  But what can i do but pray....  ??

Then my best friend since 5th grade Julie, lost her grandmother at the age of 80, it was a difficult loss for me as well considering that her grandma raised her and i spent many nights at her house for slepovers,  it was sad. And now i worry for my BFF  as she is taking this hard ,and feels so alone in the big house she shared her whole life with her grandma.  I can be there for her, i can listen when she needs someone to talk to , but i can't make her oain go away.

Then another good friend of mine, Lyd. and her boyfreind, also had a major targedy in thier lives. The boyfreind who is 25 had a sudden blockage in his body, due to a very large kidney stone.  He is now in ICU in a nearby hosptial, He was as of yesterday on a ventilator.  Its so scary,  I do not even know what to do or say to calm Lyd's nerves.  Or to console her.  They say that he is going to be okay and expect a recovery but it could take months. and they have to clear the infection in his blood, before that surgery to remove the blockage can be done...  Again, i guess all i can do is pray....    So what the heck kind of start is 2009 off to for me,   A bad one or maybe just a hectic one....   And my birthday was this past sunday 2-15   Chaos....    well here i am agian, home on a friday night.   Maybe my cell will ring...  ROFL   If you can please say a prayer for my friends boyfrend, my BFF Julie, and for my boyfriends safe return from Iraq...      Thanks!    XOX

I feel like my life has been a whirlwhind of chaos since the new year began.    I have loved and lost, and now love again.  I decided that i want to be in the city, but with the economic crunch that everyone is currently in, it is proving difficult to obtain a job.   i am not giving up, i will prevail , continue looking.   For if its meant to be, i suppose it will happen.

There are a few things that i know for sure, 

True love can not be found where it doesnt truly exsist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

If you believe in yourself , then you cn take yourself anywhere you want to go,  You can let no one belittle you, or bring you down.  You have to tell yourself every day that YOU are number one in your life,   Before you can love someone else you have to love yourself......    These are hard things to grasp.  Everyone, gets down on themselves, but still the number one person in ones life has to be yourself. 

Its really not tough, but it takes time to love yourself,  but once you do, the benefits and the way you will be able to carry yourself, will be amazing.    I have learned to love myself, I have learned to take me where i want to go,   That being said, I am truly happy where i am now..

Ready for life to really take me where i am supposed to be,  ready to fall or fall again in love for real,   But most of all ready to face my fears , my accomplishments, and my dreams.   So let the madness begin, let my life start to be what i want it to be........

Well its been a crazy couple of weeks for me, I have been searching for jobs in NYc for some time,  Not getting any prospects.  But yesterday, i went to apply for a job and it seemed really interesting. and it seems to be that it may be, The ONE! 

My former college roomie a native of NYC told me that i can share an apartment with her.  I have wanted to move to NYC for a few years now, ok for many years now.   I think that this is the time of my life.....  and i am scared to death that this may actually happen ......  I need some advice......  i want to do this but their is some fear in moving right out to a new place.... A new city....   Should i do this,,,,,   ????    Is it my destiny to live in NYC to fufill a long dream....      But the fears of nt being able to afford things,,,,,  and so,  i am up and down,   But think that i have a few good friends in NYC and can make a go of it,,,,   So cross your fingers for me One Love friends.....      I may soon be New Yorker!

I am new to the Onelove  So hi everyone.  I'm very excited to be blogging. I think that it is going to be amazing to be a part of this   awesome community.  Can wait to live,love and laugh with lots of new and some not so new friends. 

Well its halfway through January of 2009 now, I can't believe how fast time flies by. 2008 was not a great year for me,with some exceptional great moments.  of course.   But, I want to make 2009 a great one,      In 2008 I learned alot about myself and the world around me. 

I went through a somewhat nasty breakup , he had the nerve to break up with me over, MYSPACE.  WTF  LOL   But it forced me to reevaluate myself.　　Ｉ　let someone else take a hold of who I  was. and they got in the way of who I really want to be.  Who am I?  There's no easy answer to that question, thats ever changing.  Sometimes , I am quiet, sometimes, I am down right ,crazy and wild. Sometimes too serious, sometimes too shy.  what ever the answer maybe, NO ONE can define it but ME.     I know that the person I want to be, is someone who loves life, someone who loves my friends, and loves in general as much as I can. Whether or not someone loves me back, I just want to know that every person needs love,  and every person has love to share.... So live it, love yourself first, then share all you can....   

Life is like the ocean, theres good waves, and bad. When you hit a bad set of waves , you have to dive back under and wait for the next good set!    Surfs UP!