January 23, 2009
[currently listening to club 8 and the likes - because it's the only pick-me-upper music that will not make me cry]
just when you thought everything is going okay, going right, some bad hair days here and there but very minor, but still enough to get you through the day, sleep and wake up to a new one...
just when you're starting to give up small things to wish for something bigger...
just when you're waiting faithfully and praying that no big disaster will happen...
technology would stop in the middle of your task and would not return to its normal state again, just sleep over it, try to calm down, don't panic, forget about it for a day. and when you tried to revive it, a heartbreaking news would make the perfect "U" shape on your face turn into a heavy frown, all hopes lost, love crushed and you're left with just "i should have done this and that" but you couldn't anymore because the past is past
my laptop hard disk finally gave up on me...
goodbye to my college papers
goodbye to my random ideas saved in notepad
goodbye to whatever important documents were in there
but more importantly...
goodbye to my click 5 concert pictures
goodbye to my fireworks, sunset and moon photography
goodbye to my treasured family photos
goodbye to my collection of embarrassing pictures of my 2-year old cousin
goodbye to my bestfriends photos, the good times, the bad and just plain randomness
goodbye to my art and love
["...photos are a testimony that someone did live. A reminder of a past we may have loved or hated. A piece of our lives." - "Looking For Alibrandi" by Melina Marchetta]
when the guy in the computer repair shop finally gave up and told me he couldn't do anything about it, i just said thanks and walked away. i didn't rush on my way out. just walked with a heavy heart. i didn't want to think of solutions because there's none. there's no hope. just say your final goodbyes. as i waited for my sister and her friend to pick me up, i stood still outside the mall entrance and looked up at the evening sky. nothing there, it's a rainy evening. maybe someone would be able to read what i was thinking or feel what i was feeling at that time and that someone would approach me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. and i knew that moment that i need to write about the sadness to feel a little better.
i couldn't cry, i didn't want to cry, there's no sense of crying. i once made a mess like this before, only not this huge, and my tears didn't bring me back to the past, closed my eyes and opened, still inside my room, nothing happened.
my sister tried to comfort me by saying that when hers crashed, her whole world came crashing down as well (i know, aren't i feeling it right now) but she got over it. and then she and her friend started discussing about hard disk replacement, prices, etc. i didn't want to blow up and lose it, so i hushed them in a nice way to convey that what they're doing was not really helping. i did not need to discuss it for the moment but i appreciated the company.
i need a hug right now.
i know that there is a lesson, maybe more than one, that i should learn from this experience but i don't want to talk about it right now. let me mourn for a few hours first...
goodbye my hard disk. you were a great buddy when i was too lazy to pick up my journal and write, so i would just listen to the melody that you had for me. you were a great friend when i needed to be reminded me of the happy, and even sad, times. it's been an amazing five years. i'm so proud of you. even if your body came tumbling several times in your first month with me, you didn't give up. even if you were attacked by trojans, you fought and kept yourself together and everyone in your city protected. i know there were so many things i should have done to save you but... that's life. you will be greatly missed.
[current music: "step into the light" by the clientele - "goodnight my darling, goodnight, my heart's empty ... - how appropriate]
as i was seating inside the car and waiting for my sister, i started thinking that what happened tonight should be for something better... please, it should be, because Jordi Labanda, my laptop, didn't give up its content for nothing.
[okay, so maybe this is a little too much emotion for a computer part. but it's like losing a memory, literally and figuratively]