Tours and Tourettes

So here I am sitting on a train on an overcast morning in Lockerbie, Scotland. Me and Kim shared a pot of tea in the Spartan but spotless Salvation Army café as other diners tucked into black pudding breakfast baps (a bread roll filled with fried pigs blood and a fried egg)  After a perfunctory perusal of the charity shop next door and discovering that Lockerbie residents wear significantly larger clothes than fit me (probably because of the black pudding breakfast baps) I spent a few minutes on the platform removing hay from the wheels of my wheelie case (detritus from last’s year’s Glastonbury festival) so it wheeled rather than dragged. In the background I could hear the distant drone of bagpipes. I felt like I was in a film.

There was a young guy on the platform- beanie hat, Anvil style hair- he seemed agitated, pacing the platform all the while making strange gutteral grunts and alarming whinnying noises. I wondered if he had Tourettes syndrome and that thought neatly co-incided with the fact that I am on a ‘Tourette’ at the moment. My definition of a Tourette is a tour with fewer dates than would merit a tour T-shirt.

I’ve been touring in many bands and many places for a few years (as I know a lot of One Love bloggers have) and I thought there might be some touring survival tips I’ve picked up. Here is my accumulated wisdom distilled into easily digestible sound-bites:

Hope for the best and expect the worst.

Whatever you pack is on your back.

Always eat. Who knows when the next meal will be.

Get used to people snoring.

Never leave any rider in the dressing room after the show (it will always get drunk/eaten the next day).

Set off way earlier than you think.

You are probably as irritating as everyone else.

Trash a hotel room once. But only once.

Don’t get too used to the highlife

Even if one person shows up at your gig, play like it’s a stadium. It’s certainly not their fault you’re not more popular.

Remember these are the good times.

Take photographs.

The truck doesn’t load itself

Go out after the show, meet the promoters, fans, the people who worked so hard to give you a good night.

Take less clothes and more washing powder.

Don’t get too used to the lowlife

Check the weather of the country you’re heading to before you pack.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Take a card from the hotel you’re staying at. You can show taxi drivers this card when you’re  too drunk to speak or when you’re somewhere you can’t speak the language.

Be only enough of a Diva as befits your status.

O.K, you sucked, get over it.

Pay for that hotel room you trashed- and feel remorse.

Travel broadens the mind only if you put down that drink/laptop/book/Nintendo or iPod long enough to explore

No show is just another show.

Try and eat something that isn’t fried.

Now, I hope you other musicians and touring veterans have something to add!

Sendest warmest spring wishes to you all.

Jez x