Today I was showing my friend Julia who came to visit for the week around Prague. We were aimlessly walking over the Charles Bridge just being pushed along as though we were in a cattle car when suddenly the crowd seemed to part. Walking towards us were 2 people with their arms linked and in each of their hands a blind cane. They were tapping their way along the cobblestone, every now and then hitting the others cane. It seemed like the whole crowd stopped to watch this man and woman, both of whom had backpacker's backpacks on their backs. (Wow, I said back a lot.)

It was literally the blind leading the blind. There was not one single person in sight that they knew who was guiding them across this bridge. There they were: these two blind backpackers, sight seeing.

I instantly began to think of what a slap in the face that word is... "sight seeing." Both of the words that make up the concept are things that neither of the two could do. They don't have sight. They see nothing. And yet they there are doing just that: sight seeing.

It was really amazing to me. I stood off to the side almost baffled, the expressions on my face were apparently clear to any onlooker because Julia took one look at me and said, "I know. It's really insane."

I couldn't help it. My mind ran through what it would be like to see the world without eyes. Of course we've all thought about being blind before or what it would be like in everyday life but never did I think that blind people ever went anywhere other than where they were. That sounds close minded and bizarre but I just never thought of a blind person backpacking across the world. I almost felt betrayed when I heard myself think "what's the point?" I was shocked that the thought even ran through my mind. The more I thought about it the more I realized that a blind person most likely experiences the world and "sight seeing" so much better than you or I do. They hear better: while I'm so hung up on the way the Czech language looks like a language I'll never be able to comprehend the only thing they known is that their world has suddenly become a mix of new languages when they entered the country. They taste better: while I'm so hung up on how I can't see what kind of meat is in my goulash they probably have more respect for Czech cuisine and Pilsner beer than I ever will. They probably even imagine better: for every sight I've seen on this trip they have had to envision it themselves. I wonder what the Charles Bridge looks like to a blind person.

Above all the emotions that coursed through my body as I watched them take their final steps off the bridge I mostly felt proud. Whether they knew it or not, could hear the people looking on in astonishment or not, these two people were showing the world how to think twice. These two people were showing everyone on the Charles Bridge today that not all sight seeing needs to be done with ones eyes.

Lately I've been thinking about the way that we create people in our minds. To us, as human beings, everyone is just a character in our story. So often I forget that this isn't just my story but hundreds and thousands of other peoples stories.

It's so strange. When you meet a person you dislike, whether you mean to or not, you place them in some category in your mind. Suddenly everything they do is an abomonation. You meet someone who is on the slightly messy side and suddenly every time they leave a pot or a pan on the stove with some food in it you are so grossed out that you can't even believe it.

And yet, the pedalstools that we place so many people in our lives on are the exact opposite. Whether it's a parent, a sibiling, a significant other or someone you just met who happened to blow all your expectations out of the water: these people set precedents for us. One grand gesture, one amazing contributation to your life and you place them so high up that only one of two things can happen: you ignore every terrible thing they do and chalk it up to a bad mood or a bad day, always giving them the benefit of the doubt because of the unreasonable expectations you place on them. Or they fall. So hard and so fast you can't even believe your eyes. Sometimes it takes years of the former before the latter occurs but when you place someone above all the others one of the two is bound to happen.

I love meeting new people because I love when they counteract the character I've drawn up in my head for them but I just find that, eventually, they stop being the person you thought they were and start being themselves. That's where we all go wrong.

Why do we do it? Why do we set these outlandish expectations for people? We either instantly mark them as something horrible and suddenly every move they make makes us hate them more or we set them up to fail by the sheer pressure we place on their shoulders. We ruin everyone for ourselves. If we just let people live and never expected anything, good or bad, from anyone we'd all be completely content with what we're given but instead we meet people, we categorize people and we are baffled when nothing they do can ever live up to the characters in our minds. We create everyone we like or dislike by giving them no choice but to fulfill an empty expectation or not. It's so frustrating. Why can't we just stop?

Things I've learned from my 21st birthday:

- There is a very easy way to causally vomit in public. I'll tell you about it when you turn 21.

- The easiest way to get a free place to stay in Norway is by kissing a boy.

- Sometimes dares need to be directed at people who are too chicken to do it. Placing an ashtray in someone's lap who takes a ton of risks and saying "throw it, I dare you. You won't." tends to lead to horrendous situations. I take full responsibility for that one...

- Brazilians are completely capable of picking you up as though you were an 8lb baby.

And probably the most difficult of all:

- Not everyone that you put your heart and soul into pleasing is neccessarily going to feel that they owe the same to you. Sometimes people let you down and you'll never know why. Sometimes someone that you've delegated as one of the most important people in your life forgets the things you've experienced together, forgets the times you've been there for each other and forgets your 21st birthday. Somehow I've taken the time to dedicate one whole One Love entry to this person in the past, an entry about never turning my back on them and loving them for all that they are... It's the hardest thing in the world to not have the love you give returned to you but it's even harder when you've given 6 years of the most love you could ever possibly give. It's almost impossible when you realize the things you've done, the things you've changed, the lives you gave up for this one person.

It's time to stop giving so much of myself to the world. I've handed out pieces of my heart like they're loans and I'm ready to collect them back... with interest. I need myself and my heart to be complete in order for me to move on. I need to take back what I gave and walk away from it all.

Feeling like it's pretty appropriate that the song that explains this best is "Happy Birthday" by none other than The Click Five.

Birthdays galore! Why does it feel like everything and everyone I know is born in October? Well, regardless! Happy Birthday TOL! I can't believe it's been 2 years. I remember when you were a twinkle in your parents eyes and now look at all the amazing things you've done! I appreciate you, One Love and I am so glad we share a birthday month!

This title mostly pertains to me since this is my entry wishing myself a happy birthday on my unbirthday! My 21st is tomorrow... well... 3 and a half hours to be exact. European time, that is. I'm still excited to turn 21, even if it is in a country where they don't even card you at bars. I'll know in my heart that if I were in America it would be legal and that's what really counts.

I hope you all that are unlucky enough to not be born this month are having a very merry unbirthday month!

Xx

In 20 months I'll be leaving Brooklyn for somewhere new. Where? I'm not particularly sure.

I'm not scared of anything as much as I am scared to leave New York. To me New York City represents youth and fun and adventure. I'm scared to leave my childhood behind but I'm going to be doing that regardless of what happens in 20 months because in one week I turn 21. I don't feel 21, I'm not sure I ever will, but the fact is I'm growing up and that I can't stop. The lights on the stage that is currently my life are diming and the curtains are closing and we're preparing for act 2. I can't say I'm sad about it but I can most definitely say I'm scared about it. And I need that fear. It motivates me. It makes me jump into action, do something spontaneous, harness the fear I feel and charge into it full force, straight ahead. I've picked up my feet and I'm getting ready to run.

A lot of people try to live by mottos like "seize the day" or "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." or any number of quotes that essentially say "what's the past? screw the future, here and now is all you have." I think I'm one of the only people that don't believe or live my life by any of those quotes. Of course I seize the day, of course I live in the moment, but that doesn't mean that I forget about the past or the future.

Lately I've been thinking about the future alot (clearly) and I just don't think it can be said that you should live your life in only the present. If it weren't for the past I wouldn't be at my present present... I'd be at an alternative present. So I have to thank my past for that. And, if it weren't for the present I would have no future or no grasp of what my future should be so I need to look to the future to assess what needs to be done in my present. No frame of time can be viewed without the influence of another time. The present effects the future, the past effects the present. Even the future effects the present. How can you tell someone to stop everything but what they are doing? You can't.

It's so strange how everyone important in your life seems to shift into gear when you do. It's a sure fire way of knowing if you'll see them down the path of life. If they're moving with you it's almost garunteed you will cross paths again. And, luckily for me, it seems like everyone around me is picking up and moving, whether figuratively or literally. Everyone has scattered. Some moved to New York City which makes me happy as a clam. Some have departed from the city and moved to Nashville which makes me miss them but love them for taking a chance at life. Some have moved to California with intentions of conquering yet another coast with all my love and support trailing them. Everyone is moving and I'm standing still, it's a little disheartening but its making me fully aware of how ready I am to hit the ground running when I get home. I need to change with the change.  I'm ready for it.

As soon as you become content with your life, that's when you really die. How can you be alive when you are content with exactly what you have? I'm not saying chase after money or hopeless dreams or any of that but I'm saying you should always strive for more. More time. More love. There is always more out there for you, why be so content with what you've already been granted? Be thankful, of course, but never be content. Strive for more. There is always and will always be more for you.

I've always looked to the future and the past more than I do the present. I think it's what has led me down such interesting and untraveled paths in my life. Everything I do I do it for a reason, a future goal. Nothing is pointless or meaningless to me; everything has a purpose. I sort through my friendships, my experiences, my feelings and take a bit of them with me everywhere I go. The past affects me. If I don't remember it I may repeat my failures. The future affects me. If I am not concerned with it I may lose it. It's the present that I'm least worried about. The present I am garunteed. I have it. It's already mine, it's the future that I can't be sure of, that I have to deal with. People shy away from the future because of the lack of promise it holds. They say things like "tomorrow is never a garuntee." Well, screw that. If you want tomorrow to be a garuntee then use today to do something important. Use the present to make sure that there is a reason for tomorrow to be given to you. If you make a reason for the future it will be handed to you. That's a quote that I believe in. Squander your time, your talent, your money and you will have no future to speak of because you have nothing to offer it. Offer the future everything you have. Forget the present. This much you already know you have. Aren't you ready for more?

There's a thousand different kinds of homesickness. You wouldn't think it but you suddenly notice it when you're overseas in a foreign country with nothing to do but count the ways you miss home on your fingers and toes. I ran out of digits within the first day.

There's a kind of homesickness for your family. And a kind for your friends. There's a different kind of homesickness for the comforting feeling of knowing things like subway stops, directions and favorite resturuants and yet another kind of homesickness for things like being unable to communicate with anyone or anything that crosses your path. There's another one for the clothes you didn't bring and the anxiety that comes with making new friends. But, strangely enough, the most common one I've found is homesickness for the home that you know you'll never return to.

When you don't have a t.v and you don't have a phone you come to sit around a lot. Funnily enough, I'm not bored. Being in the states it's just custom to flick on the tv or plop yourself in front of a computer but here, in the Czech Republic, I entertain myself just fine with my roommates but that doesn't mean 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is definitely room for just myself and my own thoughts and that's when the homesickness for a home that doesn't exist come in. It starts off small: you just think about the way that you'll view the world when you get home. Another language under your belt, a world of experiences, a new set of views stored up in your memory and a camera full of snapshots. Then you start to think about how people at home will have changed and you begin to realize that no matter where or when or how you return you will never be able to return to the exact home that you remember. Things change. People change. You change.

It starts to wear you down. You don't want to change anything, you want to curl up in a ball and pretend that the next 4 months won't happen. Luckily, I haven't. I've trekked through but late at night I can't help but listen to the sound of my own heart breaking.

Being abroad puts things in perspective. I'm constantly desperate to speak to people. It's strange... a day here feels like eternity. At home there were people that I could go weeks without speaking to but now, here in Prague, every second I get on the computer I am scanning my list of contacts and IMing every single person. I want to talk. I want to remember who cares. I'm finding a lot less people do than I'd thought. You talk to people the same amount as you did, you say the same things but somehow it means so much more when you're a world away from home.

I've sifted through my friends in my head and I am shocked at how many I've placed in the Do Not Resuscitate bin. If they don't contact me, I won't contact them and that will be the end of that. It's also amazing how many I've put into the 'extremely important people' bin. People I never thought to place there have been placed at the top of the list. I care a lot differently than I did 2 weeks ago.

If this is 2 weeks in the life of a student abroad I can't even imagine where I'll be in 4 months.

I made a playlist of songs about being away from home. I listened to them every night for 10 days then I deleted all of them but one. "Call and Return" is on constant repeat on my computer now. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

I'm not even sure how to begin this entry.

That line seems fairly appropriate since "I'm not even sure..." has been a series of words prefacing almost every single thought running through my mind as of late. 

Life has been a rush lately. It feels like the whole summer should've been this way and not just the end because it's leaving me a little terrified to depart for Europe aka the unknown. People keep asking me how I'm doing it. "It" being going to a foreign country with absolutely no one that I know and most likely beginning a futile 4 month long attempt at speaking a language that will never come easy to me. The answer is I'm not even sure. Yesterday I decided to cut my 2 months of backpacking down to 2 weeks. Pretty drastic but I wanted to be home for New Years. I feel it's only appropriate to kick off a new year in the country I plan on living in for a long time after this escapade.

Another thing I've been thinking of in "I'm not sure" context is how I'm not really sure how but it's recently dawned on me that 4 years ago I had absolutely no idea who every single person I consider to be highly important in my life was. July 31st, 2005 was a day that will forever go down in the history of my life. Today is July 30th, 2009. That means at this exact hour 4 years ago my life was a life that now seems so foreign to me. I hadn't met the Click 5, I hadn't met the Jonas Brothers, I hadn't met Kat or Steph or Gabby or Adele or Amanda or Cassie or Jade or Caroline. Is that not the most frightening thought ever?

Tomorrow is 4 years from when I met half of those people (The Click, Kat, Steph and the JBs). And, not only did I meet half of those people, but they directed me to meet the other half. If I never met Click I never would've joined the boards and met Caroline or Anna who introduced me to Amanda and Adele. If I never met Jonas Caroline never would've asked to stay at my house when she won their contest. If I never met Caroline she never would've referenced Cassie and Jade to me when they were leaving for the Sic Tour. If I never met Cassie I never would've taken a chance and left York for NYC, I never would be blogging here. It gives me chills to think about. I get choked up just thinking about how lost I could've possibly been without these people; if my life hadn't taken this turn I wouldn't be me. What other world would exist? I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't know how amazing and blessed my life could ever possibly be.

4 years ago I was walking down a completely different path and somehow, in just 24 hours, my life found this new one. I am living in this reality today because of that one simple night.

Life is nuts like that, isn't it? I just don't believe in coincidence anymore.

I can feel my life gearing up for another change. After 2 weeks of Jonas and Honor Society shows... 2 weeks of remembering how amazing my life is and 2 weeks of some pretty hilarious stories I came out on the other side having tramped through 3 arena underground tunnels (that are the most confusing things in the world), a new collection of VIP passes, a shot engine (my car broke down) and a handful of new seeds planted for friendships I am sure will grow over the following 4 years.

Yesterday I sat on the phone with Jade for a few hours talking about how people like us will always be a little depressed because we always know the change is about to come. We are aware of how quickly things change, how fate is only in play for a second and it's your duty to grab on and not let go. I'm reaching out waiting for the moment to pass. I'm ready for a new adventure with the people who helped me to start this one 4 years ago. I'm ready for life to give me a curve ball and let me see the fork in the road. Trace a line from 4 years ago and it's changed me for the best. I'm ready to start a new line soon; I'm anticipating a line to trace. I want to sit here at this desk in another 4 years thinking of this moment as the one where it all changed... again. 

Well I hope it comes now, well I hope comes soon. Well I think it's about time I stop waiting for you, for you...

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - Michael Jackson

This is the literal end of an era; between Farrah, Ed and now MJ it just feels as if this is one large breaking away from an incredible and ground breaking time in the history of entertainment. I can't say that Farrah and Ed's deaths were anything too significant to me. I took my time to send my regards into the Universe and then moved on. But for anyone on this website I am sure that you can cite at least one of your great musical memories to that of Michael Jackson. I recall my father owning the Dangerous album when we lived in Switzerland and my sister and I listening over and over again. Constantly rewinding (yes, rewinding) to our favorite song "Will You Be There" one of my all time fav MJ songs not only for the memories that it held for me but the soundtrack it appeared on. (I loved Free Willy, what can I say?) It seems strangely ironic that it now fits perfectly to the situation ahead of us.

The first thing I thought to do when I heard is call one of the most musically talented people I know, someone who is so inspired by Michael Jackson that it inspires me. He was and is in such shock and it really brought a sense of personability to the situation for me, seeing how his die-hards felt it.

My heart goes out to all his die hard fans. My heart goes out to his family and most importantly my heart goes out to Michael Jackson who was once quoted with saying, "my goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance."

I'm pretty sure that he, of all people, has accomplished his goal. This is the end of a phenomenal era for all in the entertainment industry. I am thankful for all the paths paved for me by those who have passed this week, especially MJ. R.I.P

this won't happen often; me plugging an album. ok, that's a lie. but it was a means of justifying why the following entry is about to go down. but, to be quite honest, i think more than anything this entry is going down because it deserves to. 

obviously one could say that i'm pretty biased when it comes to the jonas brothers. they're from jersey, their first house a mere 30 minutes from mine their second the town over. i've known of them since july of '05 when they were nothing but a bunch of little kids opening up for backstreet boys at pnc. regardless of my biases lines, vines and trying times is the first album that i have anticipated all the while knowing it was going to be the one that broke the mold. already i've heard girls comment on how they dislike this album. and i smile because for some odd reason i expected just that. however, to me, this album has been a lifetime in the making. well, perhaps not a lifetime but at least four years. this album seems to chronical the life of a jonas fan. you feel their emotions and struggles on the way to the top. it's not just an album all about a girl not calling you back. it's an album of distress and feeling and musical knowledge that wasn't there on past albums. of course there are the handful of stupid songs that i don't like and never will like such as posion ivy. but, for the most part, this album is the time line i've been waiting for.

songs like "turn right" and "black keys" might be simple but are showing the extreme growth musically, emotionally and physically occurring within the fan base and the band.

this album could be the soundtrack to my life and it doesn't hurt that the title of it is just as perfect. maybe this cd isn't for everyone. maybe, finally, it's an album for those that have been there from the beginning. maybe it connects on a deeper level with me and most of my friends because we've experienced it all. maybe it's just because we're a little older than the typical fan. maybe it's just a growing experience; the whole cd. regardless of what it is this album has become one i'd be proud of buying, proud of listening to and making reference to in conversation and even blogging about. if you haven't given jonas brothers a chance yet, do it on this one.

i'm not ashamed to have written this entry. i think it's about time i stand up for a band that has proven themselves. there were times i'm sure a lot ofpeople  lost faith in their music for one reason or another and i've heard people chalk it up to the teeny fans or their lack of being able to play their instruments. well, whatever it is, i think this album more than proves those theories wrong. that's just me but then again i don't really care what anyone else says.

This morning at 3am I got a revelation: I had to read "Love Is A Mix Tape" by Rob Sheffield. I'd heard about it from my best friend, Gabby, May 2nd, 2008 and she told me about how he'd mentioned Hanson in it. I didn't think much of it. It's like I stored it away for when I knew I'd need it. And somehow, this morning at 3 am, I knew I needed it. So I stayed up all night and watched the clock for the hands to change to 9am. Then I raced out of the house and went directly to the library.

I haven't put the book down since.

By Chapter 2 I was crying not because of the love story between the girl and the boy but because of the love story between the boy and the girl and the music. The way Rob Sheffield talks about music is the way I wish I could talk about it. I mean, it should be that way, shouldn't it? The dude writes for Rolling Stone afterall.

Just as I was getting around to wishing I could be as cool and as intune as Rob Sheffield I read a line that made my heart beat faster. He talked about how he lived a few blocks away from Metropolitan Floors. I lived a few blocks away from Metropolitan Floors. It is so lame but I was instantly enthralled. All I could keep thinking was "what if I passed people like this everyday?" You never think about the strangers you see on the streets but what if all the love of music that you're looking for is embodied on some stranger on the street? Just that, theoretically, I could have passed someone who felt that way (clearly not Rob Sheffield since I would've known) but someone that feels the way he felt. That's not to say that these people only live in Williamsburg, it's just the idea that he was so close... someone that wrote about music the way I dream about writing about music.

This book is phenomenal. It makes you long to remember things that you may never remember. He has this uncanny memory and you wonder if he really remembers those moments or if he fabricates them with the help of a few moments put together. The way he remembers where he was and what he was doing when he heard "Heart-Shaped Box" by Nirvana gives me the chills. I wish I could remember things like that.

Ironically enough, one of the last things I said to my roommates in Brooklyn was, "You know, I've been thinking. And my mom can't remember the names of some of her closest friends in high school. My dad sometimes has trouble remembering his first college roommates' name. Isn't it funny how things right now seem so important, so life altering and yet, who is to say I'll even be able to remember your names in 20 years?" Rob Sheffield gives me the hope that I can remember and that I will remember. He talks about recalling the exact shade of purple of his favorite drink, the way he felt when his father stayed home to make a Beatles mixtape with him, he talks about conversations that seem as though they'd be so insignificant at the time but somehow make so much sense looking back. I want this all to make sense and this book has ensured me that, one day, some way, some how, it will.

If you haven't yet read Love is a Mix Tape and you indeed think that love is a mix tape then read it. And bring back mix tapes with me because I'm all about creating really witty names for them now.

Sooo... regardless of the fact that I thought I'd decided on going to Berlin for study abroad... I am now going to Prague! I got accepted a few weeks back and I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off to get everything in for my student visa. Small dilemma: I have the opportunity to go to Thailand for the month of June and... I won't be able to get my passport into the Czech consulate in time to get my visa. So, at the moment, I am attempting to figure out a way to scam the whole thing and still be able to go to Thailand in about 4 days. (I know, I'm really out of my mind...)

So, everyone! Keep your fingers crossed that I will figure this all out and somehow make it to Thailand on Sunday. I don't know if I'm prepared for a 24-hour flight but, regardless, it will be an adventure that I haven't taken in a long, long time. (Since I was 8, actually... gosh, that's insane!)

Aside from that it's now summer and I haven't been up to much. This is finally a summer of big realizations like: I don't really care what people from high school think about me anymore. That's probably my biggest. It's so strange to suddenly not be attempting to get to and be at every party in town... I'm really content with just being home with my own company. I've come to find my own company is pretty awesome most of the time, too.

Hope everyones been good! xxx

12 years ago today my entire life changed with the help of one little orange CD called Middle of Nowhere. I can't begin to express in words what it means to me that I have come this far. No, that we have come this far. It's been an extremely emotional day which sounds extremely corny but you've all read my blogs and you all know how much I attribute to Hanson for my love of music, my standards for music and my view of the world. Hanson has created me into the person I am whether through their charity, their music or the things they've said to me. 12 years ago all I could do was fantasize about a poster on my closet door and just the fact that today I can say I've met them, I've thanked them and I've walked with them in an attempt to bring awareness to the crisis over in Africa is more than saying enough for me. They have shaped me in every action they have ever taken and I can only hope that in 12 years time I can look back and realize that perhaps I've managed to inspire someone even half the amount that Hanson has inspired me.

SPEAKING of Hanson! Bamboozle was this weekend (which, of course, Tinted Windows - Taylor's new band - played at.) It was a GREAT weekend, especially bonding with and hearing Jade's stories about her love of music. It's so nice when you find someone that mirrors your passion, love and desire for music and musical interactions.

Saturday looked like it was going to pan out to be a cold, wet day when Gabby and I drove to Newark to pick up Jade but as we walked up to the Wonka stage to see Cash Cash the sun came out and Gabby and I got a BIG surprise. We were chatting about couples in the crowd just as a boy walked up next to me, we both looked at him nonchalantly and then did a triple take as we realized he was either an EXACT look-a-like of Gabby's boyfriend, James, or James in the flesh. We couldn't believe it seeing as James lives in LA but I tapped him on the shoulder anyway and he spun around and grabbed Gabby into a hug! I've never been so surprised in my entire life, even though the surprise wasn't even for me! Usually I'm in on James' surprises but this time I had no idea!

We ended up walking around for a while, going to see BoBo the Monkey! Saturday I ended up seeing Push Play, Cash Cash, All Time Low, FTSK, The Morning Light, Attack Attack, Never Shout Never, Fall Out Boy, Third Eye Blind and so many others! It was a good day but, like I said to Jade, I've been going to Bamboozle now for over 4 years and it's more or less just become a networking thing for me. Most years I somehow manage to get myself guestlisted for at least one day so for me it ends up being a 50$ weekend of networking, bonding and just listening to music I haven't heard before. I don't usually go see bands I know like the back of my hand because I don't think that's what Bamboozle is for! But that's just me. Sunday was craptastic... lots of rain... lots of coldness... sunburn from Saturday... ended up seeing Honor Society, Family Force 5, TINTED WINDOWS, The Maine and My Favorite Highway (who should rename themselves My Favorite Band) funnily enough I first heard about MFH at a Click 5 show when the opening band gave me a pair of men's shoes and told me that they were Will from a band called MFH's and that I should wear them to go see this band... they ended up being in NYC a month or two later so I went and never got to meet the guys so I kept the shoes... when MFH wound up at Bamboozle I was so excited to see them!!! Their album is fantastic I recommend it to everyone it came out a day ago and is called "How To Call A Bluff" it's #11 on Itunes right now so make sure you get it!

Anyway, it's been a busy week of finals and yesterday I went to Kiehl's to see Honor Society who are in town for a week or two. They had a great turn out of people and Kiehl's was so neat... I loved trying everything they had. I love their musk perfume, mmm... must buy it for myself! I ended up sticking a bottle of moisturizer in Alex's bag of goodies and had him sneak it out to me for a gift for my mom for mother's day, HAHA! I'm too broke!

Hope everyone is well xxxx

tonight embodied what i like to call "the realization of the great equalizer". it happens every now and again for me, usually once about every two to three years. it usually occurs with hanson or some musical act i hold to extremely high standards.

so what is the all seeing realization? it is the realization that great music and i mean really, really great music is just that: great music. it doesn't mean you have to marry the person who creates it. it doesn't mean they have to be single or like the same color as you or hell, even discuss their favorite color in interviews. great music is meant to be taken with a shake of the hip and a brushing off of the shoulders. let go of those bands that inspire you because of the way you want to get into bed with the lead singer (although they can be fun live, too) and hold onto the ones that just inspire you. period. full stop.

tonight was one of the most epic realizations of my life when i wound up (thankfully to a lovely friend named jill) at the same bar as taylor hanson and andrew mcmahon both of who are earth shattering musicians for me. they embody all that i imagine heartfelt music to be.

so there i was, at this bar, and it was bliss. it's nice to be reminded that great music can be a form of a religion: it's nice to just be in the place of worship. granted, the place of worship is USUALLY a concert, with an alter of musical talent spread before you and a chorus of apostles singing back the words to you, but it can be any location which reminds you of why you love the acts you love. and tonight i was reminded. i didn't need a picture or a smile or a hello or anything i just enjoyed being there. i just basked in the glory of knowing that: first and foremost, since i was 8 years old this moment in my life had been set in motion. second: that i was capable of appreciating music for what it was and appreciating the people behind the music without needing photographic proof that i do.

i don't know how to explain the moment when you realize your life is everything you've ever wanted it to be. i don't know how to describe how it feels to realize what it truly is to love some silly little piece of music some much it hurts (if you will) and i surely can't express the way in which i felt tonight but i can tell you this: when you encounter greatness in your life. whether in artistic expression or in a person or where ever you can possibly find it, you should and will be able to accept it for what it is, enjoy being in it's presence and need nothing more then to be aware that in it's presence you are something more than you ever dreamed you could be. i could have easily screamed, cried, asked for a picture or an autograph but instead i allowed myself to just enjoy remembering that greatness comes from normal people. great, normal people but normal people nonetheless. they won't remember you from the person sitting to your right in that smoky bar or venue but you will remember them and isn't that enough? fandom is a force to be reckoned with. we are faith, they don't need to see it to believe it. and i don't ever care if they do, it's good enough for me to be there, in their presence and vice versa.

maybe i'm just hoping for some talent to rub off on me.

why does it always feel like the world is on the run when you're not ready to move? everyone is rushing past you, around you, through you. you wake up in the morning and you're overwhelmed. the possibilities are endless, the sky is the limit, the world is your oyster... say it however you want to say it but the truth of the matter is: today is today and it might be the only day you've got left and you... you are capable to do whatever you so please with it. and that's the simplicity of it all. the simplicity of a life in a city. how can you possibly make up your mind about turning left onto any given avenue if there is constantly a throng of people rushing past you, pushing you further from the one way road. and then, just like that, the opportunity has past and you've spent it just standing there, wondering if you should take the plunge, make the turn... and you don't. you don't even have time to breathe let alone decide what your next move will be.

and it's crashing down on me.

there's days i don't want to move because one single movement will inevitably lead to another decision. a decision i don't think i'm physically capable of making right now.

these are the thoughts that have been running through my head for the past month and they all suffocated me this week. it's been a tough week, a week of realizing my whole life has been somewhat of a game of hide-and-go-seek gone bad. the predator has found the prey and i'm succombing to it all.

then i came back. i came back to city life after a week long break from it all (and college). i came back and i was in a rush and i was running and i was passing through all those around me and the R stopped running. and just like that i realized, New York doesn't stop when you want it to. in fact, nothing stops when you want it to. and maybe it's not supposed to. maybe you're supposed to press on. maybe that turn wasn't yours to take. maybe it's all meant to be.

and then i heard a song. written by nate campany and greg holden that went something along the lines of reading my mind. this song encompassed everything i currently feel about new york city and it shredded up my heart to realize other people feel it too. do you?

i'm in repair mode but i'll never be able to do it without this city.

Hellllo all! I know that as of recently TOL is trying to keep us all updated on things going on in our community that we can offer our services to, so here are two of mine that are A - incredibly easy! and 2 - incredibly fun!

First and foremost, not sure if anyone of you watch TV as frequently as I do but as of lately there has been a new advert on for AT&T with a man named Blake discussing a company that he started called TOMS Shoes. TOMS Shoes is an organization started by Blake Mycoskie that is now being supported and followed by an extremely large amount of fans and celebrities alike. It was first brought to my attention by Hanson who sell costumized TOMS on their website as well as sell them before their shows (immediately after the 1 mile barefoot walks they do to bring attention to the cause) TOMS Shoes is an awesome organization because you're not just buying shoes for yourself when you purchase these shoes (that range from about 30$ - 60$) but you're also buying a pair for a child in a third world country. Yes, that's right, for every pair you purchase TOMS Shoes makes a trip to a third world country to give it's occupants a simple pair of shoes... something that all of us (especially me!) are guilty of taking for granted. I literally have a disgusting shoe collection and I've found it only proper that I add TOMs to that collection... it gives you a feeling of purchasing for yourself AND for someone else. Like Christmas, but better! Anyway, I could talk about TOMS for forever since I did a speech on them in my speech class last year but instead I will just tell you about what they are doing. On this Thursday (April 16th) they are asking all of their followers to go barefoot for one day.

Now, living in NYC, I know this is a feat. You are bound to step on at least 1 dirty thing/piece of glass. But I am going to carry with me a pair of flats and I fully intend to have my shoes off whenever I see fit (and MORE than just in the comfort of my own apartment). People may think you're crazy but they WILL ask questions. That I know is for sure. You can explain to them what you are doing and how you are bringing attention to something as simple as buying a pair of shoes to help someone else across the ocean.

NEXT! I would love to bring attention to another volunteer option that isn't really going to save the world but, seeing as everyone on here loves music, it might save your summer! Bonnaroo is looking for 18+ year olds to come and volunteer in Manchester, TN for the big show June 11th - 14th. Acts include MGMT, Bruce Springsteen, Al Green, Wilco, Girl Talk and so much more! My friends and are planning on volunteering and sleeping in a tent for the 4 days that we're there. It's a great, fun time and a good way to volunteer, get something on your resume and get into a 300$ show FOR FREE! Plus, I'm sure you'll get to meet really cool people. So ch-ch-check it out and let me know if you're planning on going!

Much love, One Lovers!

xxx Lauren

I swear, Twitter is going to be the end of me. I'm incredibly obsessed with it and making all my tweets as witty as possible. Apparently I've succeeded since I got honorable mention in one of Nate Campany's tweets that told everyone to follow me. I told him I'm feeling a little bit of performance anxiety now! But I'll try to keep up with it; so if you want to check me out as I crush and burn in the attempt to be as funny as Nate has made me out to be then you can follow me HERE.

Anyway! Welcome to all the new people on the TOL! I'm so glad to see this site growing. I'm still coming here frequently and reading as many blogs as I can, just haven't had a free second to update mine! I went to a charity event to see my fellow blogger, Ruth Collins, along with Push Play, Drew Seeley, and a bunch of others perform in Albany. On Saturday I went to Philly to see Jesse Ruben perform which was exciting and comforting! So yeah, basically been travellin around and keeping the economy afloat single handedly. Don't worry, you don't need to thank me anytime soon. Just pay me back in a few years. ;)

 NYC has a been a little tame lately, just winding down from the winter festivities and gearing up for the summer ones! It's one of those in between stages where not much is going on. Not in a bad way, of course! I was practically broke there for a second (down to 7$ at Nate's birthday party) and then I discovered a whopping 23$ in my PayPal account that I hadn't known I was there! Those of you in college you know how far 23$ can go and for those of you who aren't yet in college, you'll soon learn. And for those of you that have graduated well, most of you are musicians, so you probably know how far it can go as well. ;) Hahaha.

I'll be sure to update soon! Keep blogging, kids!

Much loves x

Today started off horendously. Worse than horrendously, just downright horrible. Today is exactly 1 year from Steph passing away. I don't remember the weather being this nice when I got the call. I don't know what that means, I just happened to notice it. I can't remember what I was wearing on that day any more.

I woke up today, didn't go to class and immediately began sobbing thinking it was how I was going to spend the rest of the day. I moved myself to the couch somewhere at about 10 and decided to watch a movie. Sydney White was On Demand so I picked it and settled in. I immediately started crying when Sydney White's (Amanda Bynes' character) mother was dead. It reminded me of Steph. I continued to watch the movie and about half way through "Revolution" by the Veronicas started playing. I got super excited because it's my all time favorite Veronicas song and it instantly reminded me of Steph because of all the Veronica-filled car trips we used to take.

A few minutes later the soundtrack changed to "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney which made me smile just as hard because of the fact that Steph and I were both avid Dream Street fans.

And then, the final song of the entire movie, was Good Day by the Click Five. I immediately started beaming. I haven't shed a tear since. Steph and I met at a Click Five signing in '05. It was the perfect end to a cute movie with a great Steph-inspired soundtrack.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder why Steph is peaceful not that I would ever wish an unfulfilled life on her but she was so young; Why didn't she stick around? How come she doesn't visit me in my sleep (frequently)? How come I don't feel her around me all the time? Obviously I know she's there but I just thought it would be more powerful. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I wanted a see-through Steph-ghost following me around. I just wanted to know she was there. And then I listened to the lyrics of Good Day and I realized she is here. She is everyone that I love around me, that I can look at and remember a great time with her. She is in my friendship with Kyle and Ben who were once the catalyst my first conversation with Steph. She is in the shoes she gave to my friend, Victoria, after only having met her one time. She's in the yellow sweater that I stole of hers and in the lining of the brown Danny Jones hat whenever I put it on my head. She's a little piece of everything and everyone I know. She is in a piece of every mission in life she ever accomplished and as I was thinking this I was reminded of a page of her notebook that Kat had posted on her blog. I went back and read it and smiled the whole time just knowing that, even in death, Steph is accomplishing her goals.

Lately I've been wondering what I could've possibly done in the last year that has granted me this year and not Steph. And then I re-read this list of hopes. I was granted this year so I could watch the impact that Steph has made and is still making on peoples lives. "Help lots of people" makes me smile the most just looking at her MySpace and Facebook walls today. I also laugh at being on the "Honor Roll" clearly Honor Society fans will understand. And I'll always hope and pray that she got that real smile she was looking for because she was always the one to bring it to the surface in me. She's made her Daddy proud in life and I'm sure she's making her Mommy proud in heaven. She's changed my life and she's made me excessively happy. As far as I'm concerned, she's completed all the real important tasks on this list.

She may not be a ghost floating behind me but today Good Day reminded me that she is a memory and I should carry her with me through my days and never take for granted the tiny situations in life that remind me of her, that make me think she's smiling, that make me stand up and dance like a maniac like she would've wanted it. So today I will dance like a maniac. Over and over. Starting with a booty-shaking to Good Day.

Project Runway Canada. So lame-o! And yet, just like PR in the states, I can't stop watching. It's totally anticlimatic though. Let down.

So, if you haven't guessed from the first sentence of this blog: I'M IN CANADA! Toronto, to be exact. It all started over a boring Mass Communications class in which my friend Sarah said, 'What are you doing for Spring Break? My parents live in Toronto and the drinking age is 19.' A week later I had a ticket booked. That was less than 2 weeks ago, so clearly this was a surprise trip! And it's been AWESOME.

First and foremost, people always say that Canada is conservative and 'behind' with their fashion. Well, let me tell you, I see none of that! It's all one huge Williamsburg. We went to a place called Kensington Market which is essentially about a 5 by 5 block radius of just vintage and thrift stores. I was SO into it.

Today we went to the Bata Shoe Museum where I learned more about shoes than I ever thought possible. And, luckily enough, right before the museum we found a loft that 2 girls lived in and were selling their one-of-a-kind garments and shoes out of. I picked up a pair of STUNNING grey leather boots with tassles on the sides and I saw the jacket I'm going to marry. I was 260 Canadian dollars so I had to say no for the time being but I am legitamately getting a job JUST for this coat. It was bright turquoise and had stunning shapes. Ahhh, it was perfect and one of a kind and totally couture. I dig it. Hard.

Last night we went to go see Silverstein since it's CMW week here (Ummm, heyyy Canadian CMJ) hilariouuus. Next week is fashion week so everyone is gearing up for that and I must say: I AM OBSESSED WITH TORONTO! It's like a little piece of Europe hidden in North America. Everything about it is fabulous. Except Silverstein, haha. I don't care what a 2003 throwback it was - it was not a great show by them. Their openers were fabulous though. After that we headed over to Riva where I watched a series of the most pretentious hipsters I've ever seen get 400$ bottle service and dance to some insane beats. I didn't dance. Nor did I get bottle service.

Now I'm sitting on the couch watching PR Canada and missing Tim Gunn and Heidi. Tomorrow we're going to a St. Patty's Day parade and then onto Dog Sees God. 

Ok, this is such a stupid blog but I'm tired and wish I was at the blast that looks like RCKTOWN is (did I spell that right? It looks like it says Ricktown.) and I dont want to study or do any midterm homework. So wuteva. I hope you enjoyed hearing about how much more I travel than you do.

Have you ever loved an artist so wholly that you've accidentally mistaken them for a friend? Perhaps you associate them with someone who slightly resembles the way they look. Or maybe you've watched so many youtube videos of interviews and witty banter between songs on stage that you can't help but feel like you know them.

And then, suddenly, without even noticing it you begin to feel like a proud mother watching them on stage. You get emotional about their music as if you know what they were thinking as they wrote it. You might even formulate interviews into two-sided conversations in your mind that you had with them. Not to some stalker extent, just to the extent that you begin to feel like you know every little thing about artist. Their emotions are spewed across the table, so raw and open to the public; how can you not feel like you know them?

And then you meet them. Maybe for the first time, maybe for the 45th... but regardless there will be that one time when it will hit. You will realize that this artist standing in front of you might know your name, perhaps they know your favorite song or an anecdote you've told them about why you love them as much as you do. But at the end of the day you go home and go to bed and for every single 'inside joke' you have with them. For every word uttered at that meet and greet or signing that you've replayed in your head a thousand times... they have done nothing but go home, go to bed and think about what they have to do in the morning. Sometimes it stings. Actually, scratch that, most of the time it stings.

You invest yourself so wholly in these artists and they read your thoughts so well. They play right to your own heart. Hell, they even glance in your direction while playing your favorite chord of your favorite song. Right? But somewhere deep inside you know it's all just an image. It's all just a means of promoting themselves. I once heard a story about an artist asking a girl for her MySpace. The girl absolutely blew her lid convinced that they were 'into her'. As it turned out they were asking every girl on the line for their MySpace for that exact reason. It's not heartless until you realize how many hearts it unintentionally breaks.

I just wonder what the music would sound like if the artists dreamed of the fans instead of the other way around.

I know I do.

After much speculation, stipulation and all the other words beginning in s and ending in lation I have finally decided to embark on a study abroad to BERLIN, GERMANY! Home of 3 million David Hasselhoff fans and erm, I dunno what else? OH! The cleanest/best subway in apparently all of the world. If those two things don't make you start singing DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES! then you are a lunatic. Unless you're my mom who shouted, "YES! AND YOU CAN GO FIND THOSE GERMAN ROCK BOYS AND SAY..." and broke out into yes, you guessed it, full song and dance to Beyonce (Sasha Fierce?)'s "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" I was mortified.

Anyway, it took a lot but what finally broke me was Cathy, a picture of the most gorgeous dreaded man in the world and googling Berlin nightlife (they don't have a final call. Ever. My heart leapt out of my chest and sung). Cathy pointed out that Oktoberfest would be going on in Munich within the first month of me arriving and then Leigh so rudely pointed out that it ends 2 days before my 21st, which doesn't really matter because I'll be able to drink there anyway but 21 years old in Germany in October? Really? Fantastical. The good thing is that Leigh is going to make it up by coming to visit... right? Hahaha.

Florence and Prague were close 2nds but Florence broke me with it's too expensive and boring nightlife (and the fact that I slept through the majority of my last trip to Italy because I was too overwhelmed by the sights. Literally. It was information overload) and Prague lost because I am saving it for my honeymoon. Or my deathbed. Or something fantastical because I just look at it on a globe and want to pass out. I know Prague has something amazing in store for me but the Czech language would make me pass out within 24 hours of arriving there. So I am finally returning to the area of the globe I call home back to my 2nd language (ok, so I know Swiss German better but I'm sure I can learn high German!) and to a city that is apparently New York and LA combined with post-communist history, fashion and sites that are sure to take my breath away. PLUS I AM JUST A TRAIN RIDE AWAY FROM AMSTERDAM.

I'm so jealous of myself 6 months from now. I'm scowling at her in envy. You all should be too!

DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES!

I am a lunatic. I placed 40 calls last night to numerous people, some of which I haven't spoken to since God-knows-when. No one picked up, wonder why...

Friday night I witnessed my first fight on a subway train.

IT.        WAS.       AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

It was about eleven on Friday night and I was making my way back from being out when suddenly this guy started screaming. It went something as follows (I'll bleep out the curses though, I want to keep this at least PG-13. You can fill it in with what you think was there.)

Dude #1: WHATCHU SAYING?! DON'T SAY THAT TO ME.
(People start laughing thinking it's a joke)
Dude #2: mumbles something inaudible, probably because he's embarassed that Dude 1 is causing such a scene.
Dude #1: You're a p****! YOU ARE! Don't come near me! *slaps Dude #2... fight ensues and while it does Dude #1 is screaming the following*: I HAD EIGHT GLASSES OF JD. EIGHT GLASSES. YOU HAD ONE GLASS OF WINE. ONE GLASS OF WINE. YOU SUCH A P**** I AIN'T EVEN GONNA PUNCH YOU, I'M GONNA SLAP YOU. I'M GONNA SLAP YOU, YOU SUCH A M****F**** P****!!!!

The whole time everyone around me is laughing and commenting on how much they love Brooklyn. As if these dudes had to be from Brooklyn to be that pretentious. Well..... ok.... they did get off at the Bedford stop. So, you're right, they did have to be from Brooklyn (Williamsburg, no less) to be that pretentious.

Anyway, thought I'd share that awesome moment in my life with everyone.

This week has been fairly eventful. Not for any one specific reason but more or less just the accumulation of the whole thing. I've been perfecting the weaknesses I found somewhere in myself a few months ago and I'm finding I really like myself. I've been closer with my mom this past week than I've been in all 20 years of my life. I also realized what it is to have a boy truly make me smile. From the inside out.

Tuesday night I napped off my migraine, woke up and decided what I needed was a good show and a Snickers. I headed over to meet up with my friend, Jill, at Blender Theater to see Cash Cash open for the Millionaires. Aside from the fact that the Millionaires make me want to jump off a bridge and rip my ears off the show was pretty awesome. I got to see some people I haven't seen in a long time and ended up meet Push Play for the first time, they were really nice guys and I was bummed they couldn't come out with us afterwards.

After the show we geared up and headed out to get some dinner with Stereo Skyline (who were awesomely nice guys and I realized, after checking out their myspace, also extremely talented), Martin, Rae, Jill, Frank (who ended up pulling a SNICKERS OUT OF HIS POCKET AFTER DINNER. Amazing. I was in lust/awe), Dave, Rohan and whoever else I might've forgotten. It was a good time! I always love meeting new people and everyone was super nice. After food we headed over to Angels and Kings in a set of like 5 different cabs. Got there and realized it was BUMPIN'. (But it always is on a Tuesday, isn't it?) Cash Cash was having their after party there and my roomie and her friend, Sean, showed up so I had a few familiar faces I could gel with.

Ended up meeting a band called 2am Club who are playing a show at Piano's on March 6th that I think everyone that's going to be in town for the first Click NYC show should go check out!

Ended up leaving Angels and Kings at around 1 but meeting up with Emily at a bar across the street until 2:30 and only got home at 3am with a 7am wake up call for class. Ouch!

Anyway, sorry my life has been boring lately! Promise I'll make an attempt to come up with some good stuff to blog about later. :)

Today my dog Mitcho was put down. I haven't stopped crying all day and because of it I've given myself a tear induced migraine that makes it painful to lift my head. Mitcho was my favorite little man in the world and I'm pretty positive I had more nicknames for him than anyone else in my life (Mooker, Mookastika, Mitcholina, Mitzy, Bussaboy, Bussie, Mookie, Moo, Dinkyboy). My family also had two songs that we wrote about him.

MITCHO MITCHO MITCHOLINA
HE FELL OVER
THEN HE WENT TO GET THE ALYSON, TO GET THE ALYSON
THEN SHE THREW HIM AT ME, SHE THREW HIM AT ME.

We were in 5th and 2nd grade. Don't judge us on our writing skills. The second song was written by my mom so you an absolutely judge her on her lack of musical skills.

OH MAH MANNN
I LOVE HIM SOOOO
EVEN THOUGH
HE DON'T KNOWWW.

Mitcho was an awesome dog that definitely deserved a million more songs written about him. Not only was he a pro at pooping on Cassie's towels but he had a shmorgasboard of quirky talents. He could drive a car:

He wore a bandana better than Bret Michaels on any given day:

He was somewhat of an Olympic swimmer:

And he was a professional spooner:

For anyone that knows me even the slightest bit (or even if the only thing they know is this blog... in the entry "I am what I am" #8 fact about me was "I have a dog named Mitcho and I speak to him in ridiculous voices/accents. He is my life.") they know that this is a devestating loss for me. I just wanted to share the joy of Mitcho (and 23+ pictures from my camera phone) with the world. He was the best dog ever and I will miss him greatly. RIP widdle man <3

Today I read an article that states that New York City is the number five fattest city in the U.S. Oh, NYC, I will love you regardless of what they say about you and your weight issues.

I'm home from Nashville! Bittersweet. It took me about 8 hours total to get home. 2 hour plane flight and then THREE different trains from Philly to NYC. Luckily I realized about 30 minutes before leaving for the airport that my plane was going to Philly and not Long Island like I'd thought it was all along. Bah, it was a little nervewracking seeing as I'd had all my transportation planned out from Long Island and such.

Anyway, I am obnoxiously in love with Nashville. Josh (my friend from home) took me out to a show at Windows Off The Cumberland to see Fly Golden Eagle and some other rad Belmont bands. At one point the lead singer of Fly Golden Eagle goes, 'So who here is from Belmont?' and everyone in the venue cheered and then he said, 'And who here is a music industry major?' whole venue cheered again.

In

That

Moment

I

Felt

Myself

Falling

        Falling

               Falling.

After the show we went to a party slightly off campus and relatively close to Ben Fold's old house. (Yes, it made me really happy to know I was in the same vacinity as a building that housed such an inspiring person.) The party was awesome. Everyone was outside, talking about amps and music and favorite bands and aahgpoaoakfl.

It was that same abstract feeling that I always get when I'm at a show of a band I really love and I take a look around and realize everyone in the venue is just as in love as I am. That's what Nashville is.

Nashville is the hub of the love of music. New York City and LA you can find a people that love music and perhaps love the same music as you do but they're hard to find. They're hidden in the bustling streets and the corners of dodgy bars. But in Nashville. It's all so small, so compact, so... there. In front of your face. You can go to a Belmont party and know just the type of people that you're going to get. It's the same reason I go to Angels and Kings. You know what you're going to get. You know the people you're going to see, you almost know them by name because you've dreamt of them for years.

Maybe it's a little selfish. I've known what I've loved since I was 13 and I use it like a drug. I meet people, bring people into my life and watch them shape themselves through music. I'm an addict for the high that it gives me. Nashville is my AA.

Being home is nice, I won't lie. New York is where my heart still belongs but it'll be nice to escape off to Nashville and think about the life I live in New York City every once in a while.

Right now I'm in Nashville sitting in Cathy's room on the floor listening to her read the first chapter of the first book of the Southern Vampire series to me. I'm now obsessed with True Blood. Watch it. It's so bad it's good.

Today I got a lovely tour of Nashville. Halfway through the tour I remembered my good friend, Josh, from home in New Jersey goes to Belmont in Nashville so I rang him up and we decided to meet up tomorrow. About 5 minutes later Caroline and I paused the car to wait for 2 boys to cross the street. I made a comment about what a dumbass one was for wearing shorts in 15 degree weather. Then he turned his head and I realized: IT WAS JOSH! I jumped out of the car and called his name and we ended up rushing across the street and hugging it out, haha. It was soo crazy. Especially when we pulled away from the curb and I noticed the crossroad we'd met up on was Caldwell Ave (Caldwell, NJ is where we grew up.)

I'm now officially obsessed with every type of fake musical video game. Guitar Hero World Tour and Rockband have consumed my life for the past few weeks.

I adore Nashville. It makes me sad to think I didn't go to Belmont for such pety reasons.

Going to go listen to Cathy read in her horrible southern accent. Lataaaa.

I'm really, really ridiculously scared of the dark in Kentucky as opposed to just moderately scared of the dark else where in the world. Not sure why. Any theories?

So it's January 7th, 2009. That means I'm 7 days into the 2009 and already millions of experiences deep. I can't even believe how incredible this year is panning out to be. In just 7 days I've caught a glimpse of what could possibly be the next 12 months.

It started with the New Years party that I can't even begin to explain let alone remember. Then Angels and Kings that Saturday and, yet again, I can't explain. There were definitely a few twenty or so moments where I stopped on the streets of Alphabet City on the walk home from the bar for fear that I was going to wet myself laughing. Mostly because Cassie was running around looking like Mummbles from Happy Feet, Cathy was cussing at Alphabet City and screaming, 'CATCH UP PONCHO LIBRE!!!!!!!' at me who was sitting on the street laughing in a giant plaid poncho at 3 in the morning. Sometime in the near future I hope Cathy will update you all with brief but hilarious recaps of how the past 7 days of our lives have been going.

I woke up on Sunday morning with a tummy ache (mostly from the drinks, egg roll, sour cream, taquito and chicken nuggets combo... gross. Real gross.) and in 10 minutes decided to pack a bag, hop in Cassie's car and drive the TWELEVE HOURS TO KENTUCKY. The drive was extremely eventful. In hour 5 Cathy, Leigh and I joined a screamo band and lost our voices. In hour 7 we used Cathy's boot to set up a ring toss in the back seat. In hour 10 we were all fading... fast. Getting to Kentucky was definitely eventful but not as eventful as waking up the next morning and realizing I was really, truly in Kentucky with no means of getting home, no plane ticket, no car, no itinerary. I was just... here. And it felt so good.

So now I am laying in Cassie's grandmother's nursery waiting for Peter Pan to arrive and take me away. I've got high hopes for this upcoming year that's already started with me visiting a state I've never been too (and eventually 2 states I've never been too since we're going to Nashville as well), experiencing a drive I've never experienced, amounts of laughter I didn't think possible and already meeting at least 10 new friends to introduce to my crazy antics. (Bif is not invited... his wife wouldn't like it.)

Anyway! I highly recommend everyone do something nuts if you have the time. It's well worth your troubles. Nuts just feels normal sometimes.

Speaking of which, I'm in love with Cassie's whole family.

I have written a New Years Eve blog literally 10 times and it refuses to post. So instead I will post a quick thank you to everyone that came to our apartment party and some of my favorite pictures.

So thank you to: Cassie, Jade, Cathy, Leigh, Brinn, Jonathan, Caroline, Eric, Victoria, Luke, Phil, Ben, Tommy, Lisa, Devin, Sarah, Kyle, PBF, Matt, Nick, Greg, Megan, Christie, Kelsey, Adele, Bloom, Michelle, Lindsey and whoever else I might've forgotten.

It's so nice to have seen some people I haven't seen in three years, some people that I see all the time and others who I haven't seen since the last One Love blogger extravaganza. Thanks to one and all for making it a night of downright debauchery.

As of recently I have found I've began to live my life in increments of when things occur in relation to my life. For example: seven years ago today I met my best friend, Victoria, outside of TLA in philly on a freezing cold day for the filming of The Biggest Fan and a Dream Street concert. I was wearing a yellow visor (yes, visor), a green Abercrombie shirt and black pants. She was wearing UFOs and either she or Misty had her hair up in the sickest hair do ever. Five years ago today I also met Laura and Anna Kong (fellow TOL bloggers!) and embarked on my first ever... tour? It was a three day long promotional trip to three different states, but regardless, THREE DAYS WITH CHRIS TROUSDALE. OMG.

Seven years ago yesterday was seeing Dream Street in Allentown where I met my friend Carissa and snuck back stage with a crappy laminated fanclub pass. I was intelligent for a 13 year old.

It's not all Dream Street, I'll have you know. July 24th will always be _____ many years from the day that I met Hanson. How about March 26th (or was it 28th? AmandaJo always reminds me) ______ many years from the first time I met McFLY. May 11th. Oh, that one we all know. Unless we don't and then you don't need to. I'll just say one simple word to spark anyones memory: haterversery. Ohhoho. 

How about September 11th? (And no, it's not a national tragedy for me anymore.)

November 26th is a good one. And it actually doesn't involve music! But it usually results in me getting obliterated every year it rolls around. Which is, oh, every year.

Regardless of what the date is or what band or memory is for, I've found that I must be growing up. It's my only true calculation of how much I've grown up, how much I've experienced, and how many days I still have to fill with even more memories. Dates are no longer just dates to me. They're days to call up old friends and exclaim, "HAPPY ANNIVERSERY!" or maybe it's just a day to reminisce. No matter what I do it's always nice to know that a day can build on itself. It's nice to know December 27th isn't just the day I met my best friend or the day I embarked on a bullshit little "tour". But it's all of the above and more. I like my dates, even if I can't always remember them.

So let's call today 5 years from the day I met Laura and Anna. Let's call it the day that I embarked on Chris Trousdale's ridiculous Biggest Fan promo junket. Let's call it 7 years from the day I met my best friend and let's even call it something more. Today is a day to build on those memories, to reach out and say, 'Hey! We met today!' if I don't still talk to the person. Or maybe I can make it more. Maybe today will be yet another one of those dates I can add to the list of memories in years gone past. My memories don't hinder me they only cause me to strive for more. To keep people in my life who I associate with dates gone by. To keep building and progressing on this thing called my life.

This year for xmas all I asked for was some clothes and 1 book, I got so much more!

I got

- A BluRay DVD player & The Dark Knight on BluRay (well, my whole family did... but let me tell you, the colors you see on a BluRay DVD on an HDTV don't even EXIST in real life. it's banana sandwich)

- An apple desktopppppppp. wahooooooooooooooooohohoooo.

- A *NEW* purple nano IPod! I lalalalove it. If you SHAKE IT IT SHUFFLES SONGS. I died. I'm so in love with it.

- Tales of Beedle The Bard (JK Rowling new book... kind of a let down. It was 13$ and I read it in literally 1 hour.)

- A whole bag of Este Lauder goodies including (but not limited to) DKNY perfume, Este Lauder delicious perfume that I can't think of the name of, moisturizer, make-up, ice pack/sleeping mask/heat it up and wear it to bed thing... etc.

- 175$

- And a shopping spree from my mothaaa (the mall was banoodles today. Mall after Christmas day for unlife.)

Tomorrow I will attend my 5th Christmas gathering of this season. Divorce/remarried/siblings/friends-that-are-family make my Christmas a little better and definitely a little longer than most others.

This year the Christmas partying won't stop until the day before NYE. Which really means I'm just going to listen to Ho Ho Hopefully by the Maine on repeat for a few more days because John's too sexy not to. Can't Stop Won't Stop. Caroline arrives at my apartment in two days!!! Yaaa.

Going to see Benjamin Button with Adele right nauuu. x

I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious.

What is there to say about 2008? I don't particularly know. It's 3:16 in the morning and I can't sleep because I've just finished watching an episode of Sex and The City (probably my hundredth in the past two days) and I couldn't fight the urge to write because I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. I couldn't fight the urge to cry, either. It was Charlotte's wedding episode and in the final scene, after Aiden has left Carrie, she says a quote something along the lines of, "It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what." Cut to her with Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. "Somehow, I've found three."

It's hard to imagine that I'd once had that. That and more. Five, to be exact. It's hard to imagine because this year has been a year of accidentally tearing it down. Growing up was hard to do while I watched what I thought was my life fall down around me. Rising above is always hard when all you want to do is go down, down, down.

So where have I come since this photo was snapped?

First, I think I'd like to pride myself on having slightly better fashion sense. I think it's grown a little in the past 12 months. I'm more traveled, I can now add Los Angeles (yes, I'd never been there before!) and Belize to my list of places I've been to.

I would like to be able to say that I can remember more that has changed beyond this picture and beyond my travels. I would love to tell you of the hoardes and hoardes of great memories that add to my incessant nostalgia. But instead, all I can say is: this year is marred. It has been marred by the death of someone who I don't think I ever truely appreciated while they were alive. With Stephanie gone my nights are endless without her to call and talk to on the phone. With Steph gone small, indecisive thoughts turn into civil wars in my mind without someone to run to. So what 2008 memories will I take with me into 2009? The Fourth Of July. Steph's raspberry scrubs. Jonas bonas. M.W. The last time I saw her @ the Honor Society, Runaway Orange show.

That's not to say this year has been horrible. In retrospect (which is what this blog is all about, duh.) I didn't know Runaway Orange or Honor Society at the time of my last said memory. But now I can proudly say I'm friends with both. It's amazing to look back at those memories of Steph and see not only where I've come since then but how much of her is attached to my life still. It's as if her life set into action a chain of events. If I didn't know Steph I wouldn't have seen Honor Society if I didn't see Honor Society I wouldn't have flown to L.A to see them on the Jonas tour. If I didn't fly to L.A on the Jonas tour I wouldn't have seen Denis and Cash Cash out at the Metro Station show. The chain of reactions goes on and on.

So this year has been a year of calculating the chain reactions that have been happening since the moment they set themselves into action. And still, it's bittersweet. You look back at the event that put it all in motion and you can't help but think, 'She was alive then. I'd give this moment to have that catalyst back. I would change right here and now if I could stop it all from happening.' I wish I could hold my head, be strong, say that I've been healing over time but this year has been a year of revelations. A year of realizing who I need to appreciate more. What events I need to appreciate more. I have a new sense of carelessness that I was never able to have prior to March 2008, not carelessness in the sense that I no longer care about people or things. But carelessness in the sense that a bad grade rolls off my shoulders. A mistake made by a friend or a fight I'd usually have held onto is suddenly over in the blink of an eye. Only the battles in myself rage on. I have a new sense of knowing that I am where I'm meant to be. Of finally understanding cause and effect. Of finally understanding it all.

I wish I could explain to somehow how vivid these memories are. How I can recall walking down the aisle to her, kissing my fingers and placing them on the white coffin. It's like a picture. I remember an exact word-for-word conversation I had with Caroline two days after it happened. But the memory I remember most is one that I haven't ever spoken about. No one was there to witness and somehow it's the one that I can replay in my mind second by second as though I were an outsider. It's the worst one of all. I can see myself on the computer, back against the wall, feet hanging off my bed, dialing Kat's number. I can see my face crumple as I hang up the phone. I can see myself pick up my phone and dial my mom as I walked calmly out of my dorm room and collapsed against the wall. I can see myself raking my hands through my hair while I called Amanda, sitting with my back against a tree, sobbing. I remember her asking me if I was really crying over Tokio Hotel. I remember not being able to think and then I remember it hitting. I can recall standing up and falling again. Tyler opening the door for me and asking what was wrong and me saying, "she's gone. My best friend is dead." I remember dialing Gabby's number, knowing I was going to be the one to break the news. I remember the sheer dread. I could handle it myself but how could I be the one to break my best friends heart? I can't forget how it was eating away at me, how I couldn't even bare it until the words were out of my mouth and I heard the silence. I remember texting Adele, telling her to call me when she could and, yet again, my heart shattering when my phone finally did ring. I will never forgive myself for breaking my best friends' hearts. What I will never forgive myself for, what I regret most is having to be the person that they associate that horrible memory with. I never want to be that person again.

I have grown a thousand times over and for that I am thankful for this year. But I'd give up my newfound non-teenaged seniority for her anyday. I'd give up my new outlooks on life for my best friends to be able to look at me the same way they once did and vice versa. I'd give anything to not have that sinking feeling everytime we're together and she's not there.

It's amazing that the one thing I remember occuring prior to March is the One Love gathering on January 23rd. That involved me sleeping on a cheeseburger in Kellogg's Diner (now located just a few blocks from my apartment), passing out on Chris's couch and puking on my lap in the morning. March was my turning point. It was the cause that effected it all. It's the reason I know file memories and people in my mind, each with a warm feeling of knowing they are special for reasons that may be unknown but will make themselves known in due time.

It's hard to look back on 2008 and be unable to remember anything other than her laugh, her smile, her life. I wish I could sit here and recall a moment further back than 2 months that I can say I was truly happy that doesn't involve Steph, but I can't. Perhaps it's because she was so much a part of my life or perhaps it's because in the past 9 months I've relived every moment over and over in my mind to the point that it is seared there with no means of getting around it.

Regardless, here's to hoping 2009 will be the year I find those that will love me unconditionally, no matter what. Again.

This week has managed to completely restore my faith in the music industry for mostly reasons that will go unsaid but a few reasons that I'll explain in the following few paragraphs:

Last night I went to go see Fall Out Boy at Nokia for their CD release! Just moments after accidentally giving a seven minute speech with my fly down! The show was awesome. Tyga opened and it was kind of surreal to be seeing Tyga about 2 weeks later and a whole seperate coast, but exciting nonetheless! Then FOB came out and I was enjoying the set but not loving it because my adoration for FOB fizzled somewhere around 2004 for reasons unknown.

Well, I ended up leaving the crowd (who was the most boring/WORST CD release crowd I've ever experienced) to go sit in the back for a while and then I get a text from Jade during a speech Pete was giving about Gabe Sapporta and she just says, 'Now!' And I knew in my heart it was time to vomit so I ran down into the crowd and found Jade just in time for "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" to begin. The first song I EVER heard from FOB back in 2001 on their PUREVOLUME (Oldschool, I know.) I flipped out and then flipped out even more when they closed out the show with Saturday and Jade and I stood beneath Pete Wentz who had tears in his eyes, a smile on his face and my heart in his hands.

After the show Tommy, Lisa, Chris, Devin and myself made our way down through the icy rain to Alphabet City where we ate some food and heade over to Angelsss and Kingsss. The moment we walked in I spotted Michelle, Lindsey, Adele, Denis and Joe. I still am positive that AK47 is the only place that you can go and meet 20 new people and still manage to know the other 40 people in the bar. Or vice versa. But either way, by the time the night is over you know everyone in that whole bar. Once again, strange to see Denis on the East Coast when the last place I'd seen him was at the Metro Station show on the West Coast but fun nonetheless! I like that my music follows me... or perhaps... ok, yeah... you're right... I follow my music. Haha.

The night went as follows: drinks.drinks.drinks. HOLY CRAP THE BEST DANCE OFF EVER BETWEEN JOE AND JADE WHICH INVOLVED LOTS OF JOHN TRAVOLTA-ESQUE MOVES & TONS OF SHIMMYING. drinks.drinks.drinks. NEW PEOPLE! drinks.drinks. alexfromalltimelowissosexy. drinks.drinks. where's TR knight? drinksdrinks. meeting fellow blogger/jersey-ite megan! yaay! drinks. tonight is the night is the night of knight. drinks.drinks. i'msotiredi'mgoingtogohome.

There were probably a little less drinks and a little more talk but oh well. Before heading home I met a gay couple who offered me their umbrella and we all three managed to fit under it. I asked them if they knew what they said about men with big umbrellas and when I hit them with "they have big umbrella stands" they laughed for 10 hours. I'm that funny.

Anyway! Hello to anyone I met at AK last night - I know I promoted the heck out of TOL! :)

I'm gearing up for my second year of finals at a new school. That marks me as a sophmore, or something like that. Educationally, at least. I don't know if I feel like a sophmore mentally, physically or even emotionally.

In some regards I feel so much older; so much more educated that my peers and yet, in the same breath, I look at myself and wonder how I'm 20. I feel nowhere near 20. I feel like I'm the exact same person I was when I was 14 and reading Tuck Everlasting and wishing to be 18 for the rest of my life. What do I wish I could be now? 21? Perhaps. It seems pretty ideal but in reality I just wish I could be.

In the past few days I've finally grasped something that I'd never notice or, at least, never taken the time to notice. Two weeks ago I got a new roommate into our apartment since Cassie's headed home for a little bit and said roommate is just a random girl from craigslist. She's interesting, fun and a great listener but at the end of the day when we head home from a party or a gig or if we're just sitting on the couch talking it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are people in this world that aren't fully invested in the music industry. It sounds so pretentious and close minded and Cassie asked me, 'But what about your friends from high school?' And, growing up in North Jersey, 30 minutes from the city and in the hub of underground music and venues I must admit: even my non-music industry friends at least know their basic music industry knowledge. Throw out a musical reference or a pop culture reference and they'll understand it, if not be able to throw one back at you.

Living with Christie has just been the first time that I've been introduced to someone who, in some aspect of their life, hasn't thrown themself head first into pop culture, whether intentionally or not. It's things like one person's comment along the lines of "New York City is just one huge pop culture reference." Or me driving through LA with Cassie and saying, "I think I'm in music's verison of Disney World"... it's things like that that get my wheels spinning. It's subtle things like Fall Out Boy's naming of "Music Or The Misery" being a quote in High Fidelity, the book. Or perhaps all of Panic! At the Disco's songs being titled after Closer quotes and written about Chuck Palahniuk books. Music isn't just about music. It's about broadening your horizons and deepening your knowledge. It's amazing how much music has helped me learn, whether it was my ABCs or plotlines of movies and books. It's fantastical to be reading a book or glancing at a set of lyrics and connecting it all back to each other.

It's as if Gym Class Heroes "Taxi Cab" has become my life. (Listen to it)

I've began piecing my entire life together with music and it all fits like a puzzle. My days tick by to the beatings of drums. My only knowledge of time passing is whether or not there's new songs on my IPod. So what in the world holds together the pieces of peoples lives that don't love music like I do? It's not criticism, it's a question, I'd geniunely love to know.

I might not be 21 but when I pretend to be it results in really, really bad situations.

i.e - puking all over the Lower East Side.

It's this time of year that I finally get around to being too busy waiting for the first flake to realize it's you I've been waiting for all along. I want you to know I'd forget it all just to remember what we used to be like. The twinkle of your eyes has always shone brighter than even the brightest bulb on the tree; let's dance next to it one last time. I can't stand up on my own so how did you ever imagine I'd grow up without you?

Christmas lights in different shades of blue
I look so pale, I feel so sick to not be here with you.
Just tell me that you miss me too,
you've been gone for too long.
& I need you to be back home with me now
The snow outside means nothing when you're gone.
Everything I needed is in you.

September 13th, 2003 I stepped foot in a venue down the street from my house called Bloomfield Ave Cafe. I was 14 and going to see Arrogant Sons of Bitches open for Big D and the Kids Table (yes, I loved ska.) At that show I met with a kid I'd known since 6th grade but for some unknown reason we'd always hated each other. I took a picture with him.

This is that picture. And this is the boy I call my best friend to this day; 5 years later.

I never understood that the venue I'd walked into that night would be a venue that would change the rest of my life. I didn't understand that for the next 4 consecutive years I would spend nearly every weekend at BFAC. I didn't understood who I was seeing when I was standing in that shoddy little room that was no bigger than my entire apartment now. I had no idea that the dodgy couches in the corner would be something that I'd cry over tonight. Because tonight I found out that the BFAC closed. I don't know when and I don't know how but I was reminiscing with Cassie about how amazing the New Jersey music/fanbase scene is and suddenly I had the urge to see what great band was playing BFAC this week. I looked up the website and all there was was a collection of Greatest Memory videos. I started crying.

I haven't stopped crying since.

This wasn't just a venue. This wasn't just a place that I met my best friend. This was an entire era in my life. It feels as though '08 has been the deciding factor in me realizing that everything has changed. Everything is different. It's the end of a lot of things and I just don't know if I was prepared to realize that this was one of them.

BFAC paved my love for music. BFAC introduced me to some of the greatest live shows I've seen in a room full of less than 50 people. I have seen Paramore, Jonas Brothers, The Spill Canvas, The Academy Is..., The Rocket Summer, Cash Cash, The Plain White T's, Casino, My Chemical Romance, This Providence, This Day & Age, the list goes on and on. The stage has been graced by Boys Like Girls, Dashboard Confessional, Folly, that list goes on and on as well. This is the venue that was hosting the Jack's Mannequin show I had to go to that wasn't even close to sold out and got canceled when Andrew McMahon was diagnosed with lukemia. That. Day. This is the venue that's couches saw me fall asleep on them numerous times during the sets of Socratic, This Day & Age, Steel Train, Tokyo Rose and many more, all because I'd come to the venue straight from school, do my homework in the corner of the room, watch a set of a band I loved (Usually Cash Cash) and then fall asleep on the couch until JP packed up merch and drove me home. This is the venue whose occupants saw me drive my car to a show for the first time ever. The same night that Kevin Jonas lied to me about owning a convertible. The same night Nick Jonas was diagnosed with diabetes.

I'm still crying.

There's nothing say. This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone. It's 4 in the morning and I can't help but feel like I've gotten the air knocked out of me. I spent summers going to BFAC for events that my friends hosted, walking down the street afterwards to Quizno's. I remember winters when you'd stand outside, freezing, waiting for your favorite band to come out and suddenly noticing that you couldn't even peak in the windows of the venue anymore because it had fogged over from the sheer heat inside. I miss skanking so hard I had to buy the bands merch because my shirt was sweat through. And yes, I wore the band merch at the show. I remember the way I felt when I stood a row away from Nick Thomas and sang along to All Hail The Heartbreaker. I remember days like that perfectly. I remember it all perfectly, and for having a crap memory, that's saying something.

I'll miss BFAC. I love BFAC and I'm going to leave everyone with this review left on a BFAC page by a local Brooklynite...

If someone asked me where I spent my nights and weekends from age 14 - 18, it would have to be here. I met some of my best friends here, as well as boyfriends, favorite bands, etc. I celebrated three birthdays here, fell in love here, gained friends and lost friends. All in this tiny place in Montclair, New Jersey.

Bloomfield Ave Cafe has had shows and become a staple in NJ lives. Not just small Jersey kids played here, but bigger acts as well. Was it really a cafe? Well, no. The only thing I remember having is water. It wasn't air conditioned, the stage was tiny and become an amazing place for intimate moments with your favorite bands, small acoustic sets, etc. Shows were always packed, even in the sweltering summer months where you could see the steam pour out of the front doors. The mismatched couches, floors and chairs added to it's ambiance.

Touche. We all love the cafe.

I would like to thank you for showing me
A part of myself that I had never seen
Yeah, we were young & dumb but it still was fun
& I guess these things just tend to fall apart
I would like to thank you for showing me
A part of the world that I had never seen,
Yeah, I was young & dumb but it still was fun
& I am forever indebted to you.

x

I don't want to be powerful I just want to be passionate.

So, there we were (Cassie and myself) on our way to Vegas from LA in some crappy ol' Dodge that we got from Enterprise. As we pulled into the welcome zone for Nevada something on a billboard caught my eye and my heart immediately started pumping a little faster. There, on a huge billboard in front of me, were the giant letters "SMG" and I knew and understood that Steph was there. I knew I'd find her there, I just didn't know she'd be that apparent. So I jumped out of the car and made sure to snap a few pictures, feel the sun on my face and smile.

So then we're hauling ass through the desert once again and we make it to the hotel and then we realize just what we're doing. First of all, I forgot that people could smoke in doors in Neveda? G-ross. My eyes were burning the second we walked in the door and everything smelt like smokey crap garbage. Anyway, we went up to the hotel room and lazed around for a while before gearing up to go to the 8pm Jonas/Demi/HONOR SOCIETY show. (We pulled up at 3pm so we couldn't make it to the first). I was so ridiculously excited as I got ready that I was pretty much a wreck.

Anyway, we drove over to New York New York which has become my favorite casino in all of Vegas. It's just super freaking cool and you can stay in different buildings of New York and ride a rollercoaster. I mean, so baller! I wish that they had rollercoasters that circled all of Manhattan in real life. Bummer that they don't. Walked over to MGM Grand and prepared ourselves for what was going to be one of the most intensely proud moments of my entire life (I can't even imagine how people who have been on the project since day one must've felt, letalone their parents...)

First I made sure to document that it was really occuring:

Then we made our way over to our seats and that's when I mentally slapped myself in the face for not having brought a camera. We were 6th row against the catwalk on the floor. It was incredible and completely worth the flight, drive, cigarette hotel casino, etc. I got completely amped up and then Honor Society came out and I just about fainted. That's when I was glad I hadn't brought a camera because I would've lived it all out from behind the lense and not have even thought to just take it in. So I sat there and I took it in and I still remember nothing of it because my lip was quivering and my hands were shaking and I was out of my mind with excitement.

The way that we were angled we had this perfect God-like view from behind when Mike would walk down the catwalk. I don't have a picture of any of his particular moments because I was hyperventalating but here's one of Jonas'

The blurry camera phone picture doesn't really suffice but you get the jist. I could see Kat's mom crying down the end of the aisle and the Bruno family singing along and just beaming. It was far too exciting to even try to put into words.

Then Demi came out. At one point I thought she was going to cry on stage. It was a little intense but that girl is a great performed.

Then Jonas came out. And, let me tell you, about 5 seconds after they hit the stage it hit me that I was in Vegas watching the Jonas Brothers from 6th row up against the catwalk and, just like that, the proud feeling came rushing back. I've only ever seen them on the East Coast near or around their hometown, I'd never really considered how many fans they had across the globe. Of course I always knew but I just never considered.

After the show we made our way back to our hotel and abso-freaking-lutely passed out. I was so wiped, I can't even imagine how the bands felt with back-to-back shows like that.

I think I'll end my saga here because it could definitely go on for about 2 more blogs worth but essentially: the LA show was the next day and it ended up taking us 9hrs to get from Vegas to LA. We missed the entire thing and there were lots of tears shed on my behalf, regardless of the fact that we got tequila flavored lollipops with real worms at some gas station in the desert. Went to In-N-Out Burger with Kat, Janice, Lisa and Tony who I was extremely scared and nervous to meet but after giving him a tequila-pop I think we resolved matters pretty quickly. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Remind me to go across the country for shows more often but only if I have a sure fire way of making it to both scheduled.

First and foremost I want to ask everyone to keep my family in their prayers... my mom went to visit my sister who is teaching over in Bangkok and for the past 4 days my mom has been trapped in Bangkok with no way out because of the political situation. It's extremely scary not being able to do anything about it and I'm worrying about it everyday.

But today is my final day in LA and I'm hopin to make the most of it. :( I am extremely sad about it but this trip has been chock full o' craziness. It's been a trip of fun, sadness, happiness, proudness, traffic. You know, the usual.

So I got in at 8ish on Thanksgiving and took a shuttle over to Cassie's terminal to meet her. (She got in about 30 minutes after me) we had a fiasco attempting to get a rental car but Enterprise finally pulled through and got us one. We headed out and drove around LA for a bit (by 'for a bit' I really mean until 1:30AM) we saw everything I've ever dreamed of seeing including (but not limited to) the Roxy, The Chinese Theater, The Bellagio, Sunset & Vine (HILARY DUFF!!!!), Santa Monica Blvd, and... last but definitely not least... LA Ink. When I saw it I went hysterical. There were tears and hyperventalating and you know, the usual. I adore Kat Von D. I adore LA Ink. It was a big deal and I prided myself on being able to recognize it without knowing where it was, while driving pretty quickly.

Anyway, the next day we woke up and went to Santa Monica which is my idea of a great city. City on the beach? Can't get any better than that. We got on the internet for a while and then headed out to Club Nokia in LA which, for some reason, had a RIDICULOUSLY HUGE crowd outside of it. So while Cassie parked I ran up and got some tickets to the Cash Cash/Tyga/White Tie Affair/Metro Station show and went in just as Cash Cash got on stage. It was far too exciting. There was a lot of solo squealing on my behalf. Just seeing a band I've loved and supported since I was in legitimately 6th grade playing in LA was like a dream come true. Trace Cyrus and Mason Musso coming out on stage for Party In Your Bedroom didn't really make matters any better either. Especially because I couldn't stop laughing at the fact that Cash Cash & Trace Cyrus could do a stupendous reinactment of any scene in Lord Of The Rings that involves hobbits & Gandalof. After Cash Cash's set I got to see Alex and JP which was pretty hilarious to do consdering they didn't know I was in LA. We talked for a little and then Cassie and I went to watch Tyga. Well, half way through Tyga this kid walks up that I can swear up and down is Ben Romans. So we're joking about it when he turns to the side and something hits me: It's Simon from 7th Heaven. And I'm like 85% positive. So Cassie and I are cracking up with laughter when JP comes over and I end up telling him that we think Simon is at the show by himself. Well, JP takes it upon himself to run over and start chatting the kid up. Moral of the story: members of 7th Heaven apparently do exist outside of the show. And Simon likes Metro Station, I guess? Haha.

I met the boy (I won't say man since he was 16) of my dreams at the show. He thought I was Emma Hunton (Ilse from Spring Awakening) and I didn't exactly deny it. Haha. I've been On The Line-ing for his love for the past week but I have yet to find him. :( Boo.

After the show we realized something pretty cruical: the reason for the HUGE crowd outside Club Nokia was the fact that the Lakers had a game. Apparently they won because there was a sea of yellow and purple fans making their way out with clappers whilst screaming, shouting, running, etc. It was insane.

Anyway, WE GOT SOME IN-N-OUT BURGER (ANIMAL STYLE) and it was amazing. Even if we had to drive to Toluca Lake for it. Then we headed home and passed out. Woke up and  started out 4 hour drive to Vegas.

(I would get excited about a Hanson cover song)

I had the last part of the trip in this blog before but it got lengthy and I realized I was missing a lot of parts so... hang in there and soon you'll be getting part two of the animal style trip. (Vegas, Honor Society & Jonas)

So as most of you know, Cassie & I are out on the West Coast for the week for some vacation time, shows & meetings. (The last part is more Cassie's thing than mine...) ANYWAY! I decided to give you guys a quick recap of what to look forward to in my actual blog that's going to be coming up in most likely more than 1 part in a week... so here goes.

- LA Ink & Me crapping my pants
- Me crapping my pants everywhere we went in LA.
- In & Out Burger (animal style.)
- Cash Cash, Metro Station, Tyga & The White Tie Affair @ Club Nokia
- Simon Camden from 7th Heaven. (Yeah, it's freaky.)
- Me meeting a 15 year old who I've decidedly fallen into lust with. I'm currently On The Line-ing for him all over MySpace & LA thanks to Caroline's help.
- The nutty drive from LA to Vegas

& then DUH... the Jonas/Demi/HS show tonight. Everyone's here! Kat, Janice, Lisa, Me, Cassie (it's pretty much a One Love blogger reunion) then obviously our newest bloggers: Honor Society. Yaaahhh. Expect great things, I know I am.

How can they disrespect me like that? How can people I have known and loved and done everything for for the past 5+ years do that to me? How can I watch 2 people get arrested on my front lawn because I stood up for myself? How?

I am devestated. I have been walked on. Tripped over. Torn apart. I am finally realizing who my true friends are.

It's the one that comes over after all is said and done with a bag full of Wendy's with all my favorites in it. It's the one that sits at my kitchen table shouting about who sucks most and why. It's the one that has been there for me for the past 5 years and who I hope never leaves my side, regardless of how crazy he makes me when he does something dumb. It's the one that offers, that calls, that is there. It's the one who I say, 'No don't worry about it. Do what you want.' to And then call back five minutes later sniffling and begging to come over. It's the one who I called the moment it happened. Who I called the moment anything ever happens. Who is there even when he isn't. Who is there even when I'm not.

It's the one whose birthday I will drive 3+ hours home to celebrate with a Devil Dog, a candle and a spiderman balloon. It's the one who rode his bike to my house before he could drive because he got into a fight with his mom and didn't know where else to go. It's the one that took me to see that stupid Vin Diesel movie and laughed with me through the entire thing. It's the one who I hadn't spoken to in three months when it all happened and who I laid in a bed crying over for a full day in November 3 years ago. And who I finally got up the balls to text and ask to see and who took me to Pizza Hut, sat me down and listened to all the details of the most screwed up day of my entire life. This week in November will go down in history for always having been the worst. I always forget when it rolls around that it's notorious for break ups, make ups, hook ups and apparently fuck ups can be added to that list.

But you remind me of the person I should be. Of the person I can be. Sometimes I feel ashamed to be so outspoken about it but tonight is a night of standing up for what I believe in and I believe that I have been granted one of the best best friends ever, even if the other thirty or so that claim to be my friends so openly stab me in the back. I'll never turn my back on you long enough for you to do it. I will never turn my back on you in general. I will always be here.

It's the end of an era but the beginning of me realizing how much you mean to me... all over again.

P.S - happy 3 years to me and myself

Today Cassie and I went to go get our hair done from Anna Kong's friend Seven. She was absolutely incredible! I got a new set of locks that I am insanely obsessed with. She currently works in DC but is looking to beef up her portfolio in New York City so we took a few before and after shots and I'm just so pleased with it! I highly recommend anyone thats in need of a haircut email Anna or ask me for Seven's information - she seriously rocks and it was so fun!

Anyway, when we were walking down Lex I suddenly saw this store with KILLER shoes in it and I decided I had to go in, so I pointed and hauled ass across the street while Cassie followed me... we get into the store and realize that it's something akin to a thrift store. Except not used clothes but instead clothes that hadn't gotten sold at places like Wet Seal, Forever21, etc. Well I picked up a shirt that I was so amped on and headed to the dressing room.

Turns out that borrowing clothes from other stores should have been indication that it was all a make-shift hoax of a store. But hey, I figured... cheap clothes!? WHY NOT?! Anyway, I get to the dressing room and I head on in when I notice a woman that's down to her undies in the middle of the room and I'm like, 'Oh weird. Why wouldn't she just change in the stall........' and that's when it hit me. The changing room was one room. Not rooms plural. One. Giant. Room. With. Four. Mirrors. I started laughing. Then I started hyperventalating and then I decided I was about to cry but I had to man up and pretend that I'd known that I was about to get naked with 4 ladies I didn't know. So I stood literally pressed into the corner and weeped to myself while trying on clothes.

When I walked out I whisked Cassie outside and said, 'Well... I just experienced my first communal changing room.' And Cassie about crapped in her pants with laughter.

When we got home Cassie googled some information on communal dressing rooms and we found out 59% of women say they will never, attempt it. Turns out I'm in the minority then.

So, I wish I could warn all you ladies not to go to this store but I didn't even catch the name. Serves me right for having 700$ in my bank account and deciding I just had to shop during the recession. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb Lauren.

I've been chasing you for years now. My life, my future, my past - it's all been dedicated to you and yet you're elsewhere. It's a constant uphill battle looking for you.

Are you one of the great ones? That's all I want to know. It's all I need to know.

I look to the future for a glimpse of the past.

I want to be the part of the machine that malfunctions. I want to be the flaw in this world that strives for perfection.

Give me something tangible. Give me great. Give me a legend. I keep looking but maybe I'm blinded by the present. I just can't see how what we're making now is anything close to what we've made in the past. And when I find you will it be all that I hope? There's something frightening in getting it all, isn't there?

I don't want to be the one that ruins you for life and yet you're doing such a good job of taking that title on for me.

Let's be one of the love stories that goes down in history. I'd kill for the lead role.

The other day Cassie was filling me on some One Love statistics (they're literally my favorite thing in the world). And she told me that my name had been googled 43 times and brought people to the site. I started thinking about why in the world people would be googling my name and I didn't come to any conclusions except I'm really cool. Who wouldn't want to google me? And/or they were looking for another Lauren Eberle. But I really like the former, to be honest, so I'll stick with me just being really cool and people being ridiculously interested in me.

So I got to thinking, 'I wonder what people do know about me to make me look cool enough to google.' And then, what's more, 'what don't people know?' And that's when I decided to write a blog with 100 facts about me (or as far as I can get). It might be boring and maybe no one on the site will read it but someone will google me and find it and be like, 'oh duh. THAT'S why I'm so interested in the enigma that is Lauren Eberle and her awesomeness.'

So here goes...

1. I grew up in Basel, Switzerland and Bangkok, Thailand
2. My favorite band in the whole world is Hanson (but really, that's no surprise to anyone that knows me.)
3. I am currently writing a novel and plan to finish it by the time I'm 25. No one has seen it.
4. I am currently wearing red leggings, knee high socks, a man's long button down shirt and a furry vest. (It's cold. I swear.)
5. There are three things that can make me cry just by mentioning them... they are: Disney, Wicked and Hanson. Once Cassie made up a scenario where Wicked was being performed at Disney World in front of the castle and I cried for a few days about it.
6. I am currently majoring in Public Relations and I'm a sophmore in college. (Or, technically, an upper level freshman. But we won't get into that.)
7. I loathe 2 cities in this world and they are Paris and Philadelphia. I've warmed up to the possiblity of loving Paris over the past year but I still loathe Filthadelphia.
8. I have a dog named Mitcho and I speak to him in ridiculous voices/accents. He is my life.
9. I am a double Libra (sun & rising sign) and a Leo Moon.
10. Yes, I will refer to my horoscope/astrological sign when nutty things are going on in my life.
11. I once owned a pink chicken named Emily Rainbow. She got eaten by a cat when I was on vacation in Phuket.
12. I look up at least 6 flights a day.
14. I once was sent a role playing site where someone was playing me and made me make out with Kelly Osbourne. I'm scared to meet Kelly Osbourne to this day because of it.
15. When I was 4 my sister convinced me to put a tub of vaseline in my hair to make it shiney. I fully believe that my hair has never recovered.
16. I have seen Hanson 45 times, Dream Street 30 times and Jonas Brothers 20 times.
17. I could pass off as Nate Campany's little sister.
18. I have an apartment with Cassie and 2 other roommates in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
19. I once went shopping with McFly.
20. Bryce Avary showered in my shower.
21. My favorite letter is f.
22. I make shrinky dink jewelry.
23. I believe in Past Lives and am facisnated by PLR (past life regression.)
24. My favorite movies are Boondock Saints, Almost Famous (duh) and When Harry Met Sally.
25. I read like it's my job.
26. I have one older sister who is 22. Or 23. One or the other...
27. My favorite color is lime green.
28. My room is lime green.
29. I'm currently listening to A-Punk by Vampire Weekend.
30. I love the smell of the dark pink marker.
31. When I get hungry my stomach doesn't growl. Instead it makes this acidy noise in the back of my throat that no one else can hear.
32. I am obsessed with my mother's BBQ Chicken.
33. I tend to take on every dare presented to me as long as it doesn't endanger my life.
34. When I was 6 I got my foot stuck in a revolving door. For this exact reason I am TERRIFIED of revolving doors and will yell if anyone goes too fast.
35. I'm also afraid of the dark.
36. And snakes. I have to get my feet off the ground if I even so much as see one on T.V.
37. I also have a massive phobia of people touching my shoulders.
38. I also have a phobia of worms and in 2nd grade someone once found out and dropped one down my shirt. I have been even more terrified ever since.
39. When I was in Kindergarten in Asia I told my teacher I wanted to be a Broadway dancer even though I had never been to New York City. I now live in New York City.
40. When I was in 5th grade I told my teacher I wanted to meet Hanson and become something in the music industry. I've met Hanson and am going to school to become something in the music industry.
41. I'm bored and going to watch Californication.

So Amanda hasn't washed her hair in 10 days and I just washed mine and I was thinking, 'where would I be if I didn't wash my hair for the next 10 days?' And then I thought Oh! I would currently be in a car feeling really dirty after having just got off a plane 2 days before. I would have gone to see Metro & Cash Cash with superbly dirty hair and I would probably be grossing Cassie out in the car as we drove to Vegas. And, if I went for an 11th day I would attend the Jonas show on the 29th with the worlds dirtiest head of hair. I think even they would be repulsed and I just can't afford another track record like that with Nick Jonas.

So here's an ode to 10 days from today, where I'll be and what I'll make sure not to do (or definitely do, depending on how you look at it.) Nick J, I swear I'll shower for you only because this picture provides me with hours of endless fun (and my cousin with hours of endless googling apparently because I was once told, 'Your pictures with Jonas are, like, everywhere! Because Nick used to smile in all your pictures!' Aw, thanks bud. Now I'm the #1 stalked commodity on the internet in the realm of girls aged 13 - 25. I mean... 15. That was a typo.)

Stalk away.

P.S - I have no idea why I was standing so far away. Actually, I have a few guesses but I'll leave the guess work for you guys to do.

P.P.S - yes, it does look like his hoodie is covered with marijuana leaves... in case you were noticing... not that I was...

10 DAYS! YAYAYYYY!

Jade just purchased me a gift from England and the only hints that she will give me are those that make up this blog title. Let's brain storm people. I'm so intrigued.

The illegal part is really throwing me off. I know plenty of hot, awkward British things. But illegal?

Can I really wait over a month for something hot, awkward and illegal? I didn't even know I was missing such a thing from my life. It makes me wonder what I've been doing with the last 20 years of my life.

PS - if anyone actually finds out YOU ARE NOT BY ANY MEANS ALLOWED TO TELL ME. I really like surprises.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bnFCUgJ5LY

I'm glad someone let me wear that shirt out in public. Really.

He caught my eye on the L. We transfered. He caught my eye over the sea of moving people on the E. We smiled. He walked next to me to Port Authority. I laughed. I introduced myself. "Are we following each other?"

Have to catch the E going downtown.
Why? You just got off the E uptown.
I rode it a few more stops to meet you.

My heart melted.

In the year 2000 the US, along with every other government in the world, created something called The Millennium Developement Goals. The Millennium Developement Goals were focused around cruical areas such as education, access to food, access to healthcare and reduction in maternal morality. Things that the average American need not worry about but things that define the poverty-stricken countries of this world. Every government in the world PROMISED to achieve most of these goals by 2015. They promised to have extreme poverty by 2015. It is now 2008. Most governments are failing to meet their promises already. We have 7 years left to do what we can.

This is where you come in. Where inmyname.com comes in.

Take these statistics given in the In My Name commercial for example:

Every minute a woman dies because there is no doctor or midwife to tend to her. It would take only 700,000 midwives to help solve this. A cost othe equavilent to that of what U.S consumers spend on bottled water in a year.

A child dies every five seconds from poverty; whether it's unsanitized water, a misquito bite that causes malaria or starvation. It would cost 50 billion dollars to eliminate child death caused by poverty - the same amount of money China spent on getting ready for the 2008 Olympics.

Pharmacuetical companies spent 30 billion dollars a year on advertising alone. Half of that money would stop the spread of AIDs and help treat anybody infected by it in the world.

Americans spend an acculumated 22 billion dollars on ice cream in a year. It would take only 11 billion dollars a year to create and maintain universal education in all countries.

I understand that this is a time of recession, but if anything this should be a time for us to think about it even more. We all suddenly feel the pressure of the recession, perhaps even the fear of the said taxes that our future president promises to impose - so shouldn't now be a time to reflect on those that have even less? Those that have nothing to fear because, unlike us, they have nothing to lose.

Maybe it's the fact that I grew up in Thailand and I had at least 10 misquito nets, all in a different color to go with whatever mood I was feeling. Whatever color my room was. Whatever color was my favorite at that time. When I read the statistic about children dying from malaria it felt like a slap in the face. I had laid in that bed for 2 years and how many miles away from a dying, poverty-stricken child? All the while none the wiser. I even took those nets with me when we moved to America and placed them in my bedroom because I liked how they made me feel like a 'princess'. A survival mechanism for one group of people was viewed by me as only a reason to feel more entitled.

We have been the generation that has seen the election of the first African American president. We have been the generation that has seen the marriage of two people of the same sex. Let's be the generation that doesn't just allow our own country to prosper and grow - let's help the others. Let us be the generation to stand up and tell our world leaders to keep their promises and eradicate world poverty. We don't choose where we are born. We don't choose our parents. It may feel hopeless but we can choose what kind of a world we want to live in; what kind of a world we want our children to grow up in. Please go to INMYNAME.COM and sign the petition. You needn't do anything more if you don't feel like it but at least take the time to realize how fortunate we are just by chance. By mere chance we were born here and not there. And then do the right thing and educate yourself.

If anyone has taught me anything about the power of one voice; the ability to do what we set our minds to and the ways in which we can make everyday a charitable day it's been Hanson. I have walked more than one mile barefoot beside them in order to raise awareness for AIDs in Africa.  I have stood in Nokia Theater and cried over songs about infant morality rates, leadership roles and uniting as a nation to conquer this great divide. I have purchased TOMs shoes all the while knowing that I had just supplied someone in Africa with a pair as well. I have purchased songs on ITunes for nothing more than .99$ and aided the relief in Africa. I think it's time I take on the rest of the world & leave Hanson to do what they do best:

We're the generation of the silver spoon,
No one can create but we can still consume...
The time has come; welcome to the world - it'll let you down
The time has come for you to
live it up, let it go, show them what you're made of
& WE'LL TAKE OUR CHANCES GETTING INVOLVED
The USA's got freedom of choice
So call up your congressman - ABUSE your voice.

I just stumbled upon this picture in one of my super old albums and realized two things:

1. I could have 13.99$ x 13 in my bank account right now instead of a balance of 0.00$ and 4 Joey trading cards, 2 Joe, 1 Ben (you were the hardest to find) and 2092049 Eric Dill's. Sorry, Ethan, you didn't make it into the Jersey Best Buy boxes apparently.

2. If I had known even half the people I know now I probably could've rigged the whole reciept contest, won the dinner date and charmed you all into oblivion. I guess that'll never happen now.

So to The Click Five please get around to creating a Kyle trading card and another receipt contest in which I can rig and not spend 13.99$ x 13 on to lose. And/Or have this CD stop being made so I can sell it for thousands of dollars to unsuspecting Asian fans. (Why is it I have 13 Imrie House CDs and 0 It's About Time CDs which are out of press and making 400$ a pop?) DAMNIT.

Cassie, Kat, Janice and I depart for LA in t-minus 2 weeks and 3 days. If that doesn't make you ridiculously excited I just don't know what will.

I've also been attempting to work up the courage to speak to a dreamy British boy in one of my classes for the entire semester and I just got an IM from my good friend Pete who grew up in England saying he knows said dreamsicle from playing basketball when he lived in Brighton. WHAT ARE THE BLOODY CHANCES?!!! I suddenly have a conversation starter! Hoorah!!!

If you don't know me well then you probably don't know that creepy world-colliding things constantly happen in my life. And regardless of how often they happen I am always, ALWAYS blown away by them. It really is a small world.

Kudos to Jesse Ruben for my blog title. I'm getting ready for bed and decided to make a sleepy playlist. He owns the entire thing. I love sleepy, sweet songs singing me to bed. So make sure you go purchase Jesse's album. It's really so freaking fantastic.

Tonight I began to wonder if my biggest problem is that I don't have one.

Will I ever look back and wonder if this is the straw that broke the camels back? I hope not but part of me knows I'm lying to myself the moment the words escape my mouth.

I wish I'd been there just in time to save you. I wish I'd been anywhere in time to save anyone.

Here's to hoping someone finds me when it all happens.

How do I suck at all things that require reliability? Honestly. I just got reemed out for never showing up to my internship. I should love it and instead I wake up at 9am, groan, turn off my alarm clock, sleep through the day and wake up in time for classes.

I'm not even doing well in said classes. I need to keep my grades up and I need to keep this internship and I need a job and I've never held a job. Why am I a lost cause when it comes to being a grown up?

This is my vow to become a grown up in the next 3 weeks of classes, my internship and life.

I am a lost cause.

The title of my blog was rapped to me over a PA system while Cassie and I walked into Times Sq. from Columbus Circle. It was INSANITY.

I am so happy to see New York City in the state that it was tonight. I hope that this is an indication of how happy people will continue to be for the next 4 years. Even if it's half as happy... tonight was incredible. Cassie and I left the Arciero's after the Obama party (and me bawling like a baby during his speech) and decided (after seeing screaming groups of kids with Obama signs) to go to Times Sq. So we walked the 10 or so blocks and every block held a new surprise. 8th and 58th was some sort of Obama rally where people of all races and types were jumping around, screaming, crying, hugging each other. Somewhere between 54th and 51st lots and lots of hugs were given to street vendors, random boys, random girls, random men... anyone and everyone who turned to you and screamed, 'OBAMA?!' was a reason to high five, hug and scream.

But once we hit Times Sq. it was sheer madness. We huddled under the lights of the city while hundreds of people stared up at the sky and belted the Star Spangled Banner together. There were Obama chants from people in Obama masks and traffic was honking to the beat of 'Yes We Can.' It was mayhem. Everyone was running into the street, high fiving cab drivers and passengers. It was insanity. I can't even explain what it was to witness history in New York City.

History. Has. Been. Made. We have witnessed it. This is it. Photos from tonight will be printed into text books for our children to pour over.

History. Is. Now. I can't stress it enough. Regardless of whether you supported Obama or not, at least realize that this is a life changing election. We've done it. Yes we did.

Every stop on the subway people got off clapping, shouting, hooting and hollering. When we transfered from the N to the L we could hear the people above us on the streets commanding Obama chants.

I have never been more pleased to see change, happiness, love and unity before. I love New York City and I loved it 100x more tonight.

Spread the joy. Spread the love. Spread the change.

I'm horrible at remembering dates. I mean, absolutely horrible. Ask any of my friends. You will tell me 5 times in a day that I'm going to a show on Friday and by that night I'll be sitting there racking my brain trying to remember why November 7th sounds so familiar.

This is my downfall in life. This is what has lead to me sitting here at 1:28 on Election Day not voting. Because I missed the deadline. And the second it hit 12:00AM on the clock I slapped my forehead, screamed, cried and flipped out because I missed the deadline. I haven't told anyone but my roommates and they only knew because I stopped watching the debates because they made me too upset.

The other day in my Business class which is taught by a French professor a boy and a girl that sit next to me were discussing how they were voting for McCain and the boy turned to me and asked who I was voting for. I replied with, 'I don't want to talk about it.' Not just because I didn't want to get into some political debate with some teenaged kid (I'm 20, I can make 18 year olds sound ignorant now if I want to) but because I didn't want to explain that I wasn't voting and that it made me feel like a horrible half assed American. So I just said, 'No comment.' And this boy turns around and covers his mouth with his paper before muttering clearly 'You're one of the ones that wants a mumblemumble running our country.' I turned to him with the most livid look on my face and said, 'What did you just say?' And he did it again. I said, 'Do you mean to say that I'm one of the ones that wants a *explicit* running our government?' The entire class had turned around by now. I'm sure my screaming had something to do with it but my screaming a racial slur definitely had something to do with it. Before you continue reading realize that this is not a word I use lightly unless perhaps I'm quoting a Katt Williams skit. But other than that it is never, ever in my vocabulary. Ever. I grew up in Asia, I've been the minority. I've heard the slurs and the comments and gotten the looks. I would never classify someone to a racial slur. But if you're going to use the word, if you're going to degrade an entire race like that I fully believe that you should at least have the balls to say it loud and proud, regardless of the circumstances and the fact that you'll probably be murdered by night fall. I'm a firm believer in standing up for what you believe in and if you're enough of a bigot to even think that people who are voting Obama into office are n**** lovers then at least have the guts to say it to their faces and not mumble it behind a piece of paper. Which is another thing I spat in this kids face.

Well, my French professor is just laughing. And laughing. And laughing. As I rip this kid a new one about not caring who he was voting for because if he wanted to vote for McCain he could because he liked his policies and where he was coming from but if he wanted to vote for McCain because the only other option was a (insert word) then it was ignorant people like him that make me believe people should be pyschologically evaluated before voting (I don't actually believe that but it sounded pretty intelligent in my screaming fit)

It went on for a good 10 minutes before class ended and my professor literally clapped me out of the room. He told me that all the countries in the world were waiting for the American population to stand up and finally address something like that. He told me something about FDR having Polio and the world not knowing because it was never seen. If Obama's skin color had never been seen we'd all be voting from the heart, not from our eyes.

As I was walking out of the room I heard said boy say to his friend, 'Pregaming before voting?' It was clearly a joke but I turned around and spat at him, 'Good idea. Maybe that blurred vision will help you to make the right decision you racist asshole.'

I'm still livid I'm not voting because I want to be able to make that jerk offs vote null and void. My one vote would cancel out his ignorant decision. I said I wouldn't talk about who I would have voted for but I guess this blog has obviously given it away. I don't hope to be judged because of my choice (no worries, I'm not voting anyway) but instead I'm posting this blog in the hopes that we all open our eyes in this historical and life changing event.

It breaks my heart that I'm not going to vote the first time I can and in an election that will go down in history regardless of who wins. It also breaks my heart that they're giving away free vibrators for voting and I can't go get one, DAMNIT. 

P.S - That's so American. Getting us fat as hell off free donuts, ice cream, coffee and then insinuating that it's okay because we'll just get a free vibrator and not ever need a man in our life. Who here is going to eat that donut while using that vibrator? You can admit it. Obesity and Masturbation '08 baby.

Best of luck to both candidates. Waking up Wednesday morning is going to be like Christmas Day + anxiety. Now go watch this youtube video of Craig Ferguson (I know you just fainted, Jade) kicking ass about the presidental election and the media. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRVQ4xwwmQ

Tonight Gabby, Cassie and I are going to Perez Hilton's Halloween Party here in the city! So sososo exciting. We have some pretty awesome costumes planned and here's mine:

I plan to be a perezhilton.com drawing at the Perez Hilton party. I'm wearing it around my neck. Whatchu think?

Today as I ran across my front lawn in Jersey with Chris I couldn't help but grin at the fact that it was SNOWING. Snow. Already. It makes my heart beat wild.

About a week ago I started being able to see my breath for the first time this year. It makes me so excited. Sometimes I honestly believe I only took up smoking so I could feel like it was fall/winter year round. It's so amazing to finally see something that's been hiding for half of the year. I always forget the magic that hangs in the air this time of year. It brings a smile to my face each time it comes.

I just want to snuggle up with a good book, my dog and a smile on my face. I miss Jersey but I love New York City. I finally got my priorities in check. I'm going to class instead of shows. I'm doing homework instead of sitting out on the patio. I'm going to quit smoking after this pack. Honest to God.

I never thought I was addicted but it turns out I am. Hopefully my addiction for fall outweighs that of mine for cigarettes. I'm hoping the buzz I'm living off right now can keep my mind off the nicotine.

I just want mornings outside the Moulin Rouge with a cigarette and a cup of coffee, regardless of the fact that it's in the red light district of Paris. I want sleepless nights outside the Trevi Fountain in Rome and days spent with my nose pressed against the window of the Prada store across the street from the Spanish Steps. I want to stumble home from Gabanabar and Cancan at 6 in the morning after final call in Madrid. I want to get lost on my way to Wagamama in Covent Garden and find myself sitting amongst the pigeons with a cornish pasty in hand. I want spagetti bologenese outside the Dinosaur Park in Muttenz, Switzerland. My obsession with Europe has gotten the best of me. I'd almost rather book a flight there (490$ to Dublin right now) then go see my sister in Bangkok in December. Sad. I should love Asia and yet this time of year only makes me want Europe back. I'm not a Swiss citizen for nothing.

I think I've decided to breathe; I think I've finally decided to study abroad for a full year next year. Let's see how it goes.

Lately it feels like the only thing I can be is down.

Everyday I wake up with the same thought in my head. 'This will be my first 24th of October without her...' or 'This will be the first day of fall without her.' 'This will be the first time I drive on the New Jersey Turnpike with no intentions of going to Freehold to see her.' It eats away at me. My internal calendar has become one of firsts instead of one with dates. The feeling comes just as quickly as it goes but it's always eating away at the back of my mind in some way, shape or form.

It's such a dilemma. When I'm down I get depressed about being upset to begin with. I just dig myself into a hole and it takes something pretty huge to jump start me and make me forget I was ever down to begin with.

So much has changed since March. And everyday is another day further from the way I was for our last memory. Sometimes I think about the fact that when she passed away we were her best friends but when we pass away, who will be ours? Time should've frozen. It feels like time should have just stopped right then and there, stuck us all in place so we could stay the way she remembered us. So we could pull ourselves back together, pick up the pieces, move on together and finish out our lives together. The way she remembered it. Everyday that brings on change or something new is another day that gets me down. I'm slipping so far from where I was.

A few days ago I decided to look at our wall-to-wall on Facebook because I was really missing her. I went back to the first thing I ever said on her wall and it was October 22nd, 2006... exactly 2 years before to the day. It said, 'I miss youse.' It sucked. 2 years to the day and the quote still pertained. I miss her. I always will. I don't think there will be one day that I let slip by without thinking about her.

7 months tomorrow and I feel like a new person. I don't want to be a new person. I want to be the person Steph knew.

On a slightly happier (or at least musical) note my newest jam of the hour is 'Portions For Foxes' by Rilo Kiley. It was played at the after-party at the NY Lately premier and I'd forgotten how much I adored Rilo Kiley and especially this song. Ch-ch-check it out. If you don't like Portions For Foxes I garuntee you'll at least be able to find a Rilo Kiley song that you like. They all depict every piece of my life at one time or another in the best way possible.

Last night Jade told me to wake Cassie up for her because Cassie had just fallen asleep and I was still up and on the phone. I knew Cassie had had a long night out at Angels and Kings and everything going on with CMJ but I agreed anyway and walked into her room and whispered, 'Hey... Cassie... wake up.' And Cassie SHOOTS up and starts going banana sandwich. And all I say is, 'what the hell is your deal?' And she goes, 'Whyyyy? You told me to wake up... you said wake up cuckoo head...'

No one will find this as funny as Cassie and I do except maybe Chris who was on the phone with me.

My friend Vicki just sent me a Facebook invite to the Brooklyn screening of a movie called 'The Human Experience' I had never heard of it before so I decided to go check it out over at http://grassrootsfilms.com/ I bawled for the duration of the entire trailer. It sent chills down my spine.

The preview is on Wednesday in Brooklyn. I have class that night as well as Cash Cash opening for Metro Station (which is a huge, HUGE deal) Recently I feel like my life has taken a turn towards film. Hmm... maybe I'll have to look into that for my next internship. I'm so enthralled with it. I almost want to skip class AND Cash Cash for this film. It looks outstanding.

Check it out. x

A few entries back I talked about how there's constantly a different person playing at the 4,5,6 to the L transfer and today was no different. Today they was an electric violin player that blew my mind. I stood for more than just a minute and watched him dance his ass off. Slowly but surely I started to notice the fact that I wasn't the only one that had stopped. There were men with briefcases clearly on their way home from work; there was a woman with carriage and one on crutches. There were girls in trendy boots and button downs and men in baggy pants and t-shirts. So many different people had taken the time to stop and watch.

New York never stops.

How did this one man with a violin get her to slow down? Even if only for a minute. It was kind of amazing to see. All these people looked like regulars. I even noticed a few faces that I'd passed by before and yet today of all days they had taken the extra five minutes to stop and watch. I wish I could command a whole city like that. Music stops everyone up for a moment; even if it's a short one there's always room for music. These people who had once been in a rush just like me were now chilled, standing around, swaying, watching. I want to stop her like that.

Last night was no different. Hanson was amazing as always. Cassie decided to come at last minute and I was so glad she did because not only did she get to see me in my musical element but she got to see what I've always seen when I watch Hanson. She got to see how many music industry kids our age were there. How many music industry people in general. Hanson is yet another band that leaves a wake wherever they go. The sheer following and respect that is tied up with their name makes me proud to be a fan. It was amazing to watch everyone I knew in the city show up, sing, dance and stay for the entire set list. I wish everyone could command her like that.

It all reminds me of probably my favorite set of lyrics Nate Campany has ever uttered. They're from the song Stockholm, Paris, New York. To me they embody the city 100%

New York's eyes keep shining all night long
She gives me drinks and let's me sing her songs
& when I hear her voice it makes me feel so small
everything you want, she's got it all...

I sigh everytime I hear Nate play that. It rings so loudly in my ears. I love it.

Tonight is Hanson @ Nokia Theater here in NYC. My lovely friend Gabby from Avenue B got tickets for us FO' FREE from her buddy Matt Bair. This is all too exciting for words. If you told me 12 years ago that I'd be going to Hanson shows for free I probably would've slapped you in the face and told you to shut up and stop getting my hopes up.

Most of you know how great of a night this is going to be for me... my first show of this leg of the tour!!!! Wooo. I'm listening to some Hanson now and trying not to cry now that I've put on my make-up.

Going out to dinner with Gabby and then heading over to the venue to meet up with all my fellow Fansons! I've been missing them all so much! :)

Today my mom went out and bought me some underwear. I don't usually send her on such errands by herself but today I was feeling rather trustworthy. She came back with three packs of underwear all of which proclaimed, 'FREE BONUS PANTY INSIDE!' I decided I'm only going to buy packages of panties that offer me free treats inside from here on out.

I'm hoping for a condom next time or maybe a plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Keep your fingers crossed.

The title of this blog is a quote said by Cassie last night after the screening of New York Lately. She was talking about the fact that I was naming all the ways in which I would go about growing and maintaining my facial hair. I told her that just because I can't grow facial hair doesn't mean I can't grow armpit hair and do the same. And that only took place after two drinks. Imagine six to seven later...

The movie rocked so hard. It made me smile like a little girl again. I'm obsessed with this city and movies about it. Watching a movie about New York City IN New York City is the ultimate form of satisfaction. "This is what New York City is all about."

It was so great to see everyone. Nate and Ben did a fantastic job on scoring the movie. You never actually think about music in movies until you know all the songs, know who wrote them, are paying attention to them. I loved it. It was like a heightened verison of hearing. I was suddenly noticing things I hadn't before. Jenn Dees was lovely in the movie and I felt somewhat like a proud mother for everyones accomplishments.

The night went somewhat as follows: movie, bar, drink.drink.drink.drink, Rockwood, Ray's Pizza, eat.eat.eat.eat. sleep.sleep.sleep.

So many familiar faces were there: Nate, Kyle, Ethan, Ben, Chris, Devin, Cassie, Luke, Jenn, Whitney, the list goes on and on. It's always fantastic to see everyone together. I couldn't have enjoyed myself more. I love talking with these people who are constantly causing me to think, reevaluate. I've never met a group of people so intelligent. So in. So exciting. So talented. Standing on a street corner hailing cabs to the next location with everyone bundled up was the simplest task ever and yet one of the most fun times I've ever experienced.

Of course I said and did some embarassing things. When don't I? It's my nature.

The night ended with me passing out at 5am. Riding the subway home this morning was not fun. Hannnnngover.

This is what I am most excited about tomorrow. And have been most excited about all week. Which, come to think of it, is kind of terrible because Saturday is my step-brothers movie premiere as well and I just can't get over being more excited for this:

Chris was lovely enough to have gotten us all tickets to go to the premiere tomorrow to see the stunning Jenn Dees and listen to the soundtrack which was scored by your fellow One Lovers - Nate Campany and Ben Romans. Much kudos to them - already it sounds like it's going to be a great cinematic adventure with tons of good tunes!

Hope to see you there

x

Today I had my first mid-term at my new school. I never wear skirts but I was feeling the need to up my confidence for the mid-term so I donned my new favorite high waisted skirt and a v-neck t-shirt and a long cardigan with a pair of vintage boots passed down from my Aunt. I got to class in perfect condition, nailed my midterm, packed up my bag and headed for the escalator. I was about half way to the escalator when all the other classes around me began letting out... and about 10 feet from the escalator when I...

Tripped. Stumbled. Caught myself.

Then collided my left heel with the back of my right heel and did a run/stumble (You know what I'm talking about... where you pretend like you didn't just trip and instead decided to just start a light jog...) Well... the light jog quickly turned into me falling face first and supermanning across the entire hallway and skidding a halt outside the open doorway of a classroom. With the hem of my skirt having flown up. Around my waist. I laid on the ground for a second, mortified and then got up... looked around... and decided to call out 'Sorry to anyone who just saw me flash my ass...' Something that would usually be normal and embarassing for me to yell out because humor tends to get me through suicidal thoughts. But usually my vulgar humor doesn't come out just as one of the Francisican brothers who teach at my schools came running around the corner...

He asked me if I was ok and I turned even more red for saying ass in front of a monk... I made sure to arrange myself really quickly and just as I turned on one heel and told him I'd only twisted my ankle he proceeded to tell me that my skirt was still up. In my moment of being really, really embarassed I had only pulled the cardigan back down into place.

That's my story. Get used to them. I'm always mortifying myself. My knees are skinned and I forgot how much rug burn (or hall burn) hurts.

& I'll never wear a skirt again.

Oh & for all you wondering... no, I didn't have on cute underwear.

This day has been a serious series of ups and downs... serious. UPS. downs.

Sometimes I wonder if for every day you need and every person you need there's one day somewhere in the world and one person somewhere in the world that you not only don't want you just physically don't need. I'd say I was sorry you threw yourself head first into the latter category but I just don't care anymore. I've managed to pick myself up, brush myself off and stop longing for 2 years ago.

Fan uprisings are the new trend. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. Is it because music just isn't what it was back then? Or is it because girls see the product, not the music? Once upon a time someone once said one of the most profound things I've ever heard from a musician. They spoke words so true that it nailed it straight home. "Girls in our demographic don't care about the music. They just care about what my favorite color is and if I'm single." On one hand it's completely disturbing and almost a little sad... but on the other hand it explains where all these uprisings are coming from.

What happened to the music? Does anyone remember the music?

I get both sides but I definitely get one a lot more than the other. I miss standing in a room full of people and loving someone who could be your father. Someone who is a father. Someone who was married. Someone who just spoke straight to your heart. It's all about the lust these days. Where's the love?

I've loved a band for 12 years. 4 of which were not spent doing anything but getting married and having babies. And I've never expected anything more. No one's left you. There's such a misplacement of supply & demand. Demand the music. Supply the support system.

I'm tired of great musicians being worn down to their image. I'm tired of it all being taken for granted. But then again, what's this Ringo Starr bull? I mean c'mon, dude. You're really going to stoop that low? I guess you're Ringo Starr, but aren't we all in our own minds?

Expect me to be getting arrested in Vegas somewhere in the near future.

So I'm dead tired but I had to blog about my night. Today was supposed to be a lazy day of doing nothing but at about 4:00PM when I was still laying around in my towel Cassie came over to my door and said, 'You want to go see Matt Nathanson in Hartford, Connecticut?' Now, I've never listened to MN (or lMNop as I like to call him) but I figured what the heck, why not? Cassie had once referred me to another singer/song-writer in the same genre as lMNop and I'd thoroughly enjoyed the show so I decided to go with it. Cassie promised me there would be good laughs since apparently Matt and I were made for each other. I had high expectations...

Upon getting to the venue I was ready for some good laughter and maybe a good song or two. I didn't expect to fall in love. Too bad I did.

Standing in that venue, watching this HILARIOUS dude 14 years my senior crack HILARIOUS jokes that had me HYSTERICAL wasn't just all that lMNop was about. I mean, he was hilarious, he was so hilarious that I'm resorting to writing him a letter about how, although he could have fathered me,  I think we were put on earth to compliment each other. I think I am the ying to his yang.

But I just didn't expect to fall in love like I did. To watch someone and hear their songs for the first time ever in a live setting, especially someone like Matt, is a gift. Some artists are horrible to see live if you know nothing about them but Matt just owned it. He wrapped me up in his antics and his words. Cassie laughed at me when I got in the car and already had my away message picked out for the night from a set of lyrics he'd unleashed on me during his 2 hour set.

I looked around during songs that were all about mushy love and all I could see was this completely stricken look on 90% of the girls faces' around me. They were all watching this guy, up on stage, tear it up and sing about love. And each one of us was dreaming of that one boy that they wished had written the song for them, that Romeo to our Juliet.

A few nights ago I was talking to Jade about what my blogs meant to me. And she referred to the first time she fell in love with the word of Pete Wentz on his blog. And I said to her, 'I want to be the Pete Wentz to some hipster boy's heart.' And the more I've thought about that simple line the more I do. It's lyrics like 'She clicks her heels but she's still stuck' (Hanson) and 'Me and gravity, we never could agree' (Matt Nathanson) that makes me want to have a boy find this blog, read these words and fall as hard for me as I have for the artists that write my love story. Words mean so much. Lyrics mean so much. A great lyric is like the perfect combination of words that hit not just one person but EVERYONE in a different way. It's a great lyric that makes you step back and gasp and wonder just how in the hell they even thought of that brilliance. It captures every emotion perfectly. It captures every moment in your life as though it were a picture.

I just want to be heard. I want my word to mean more than my opinion. I want it to mean what it meant to those people standing in that audience looking up. I want it to mean what it means to Cassie coming from Howie Day or Matt Nathanson. I want it to mean what it means to Jade coming from Fall Out Boy. I watch my friends love these artists so completely that it's hard not to wish you were a little more like the people on stage.

Don't get me wrong, I love being in the audience. I love being behind the scenes. But I'm sure you've all had that moment where you just wish you could be in the spotlight affecting them like they've affected you.

A few entry's back I promised a blog that would be solely about Hanson, my love for them, my history with them... I doubt all of you are going to read it it but I've recently realized that these three boys are in my life to stay so this is my One Love tribute to my one true (and first) musical love...

August 24th, 1997. I wish I could explain the way I felt sitting in Row W (yes W) of Arthur Ashe Stadium with my sister and her two best friends watching Hanson assemble their stuff on the stage in front of us. Everytime I think back to that day chills run down my spine at how clearly I can remember it. Like an out of body experience. Almost as clearly as I remember a few months earlier sitting with my feet up on the dashboard of my mom's everest green Windstar as she turned the corner of our street, taking my sister and I to see her best friend, Susie, home from Scotland and this song coming on Z100. This great, catchy song and my mom saying 'Who is this?' And me saying, 'Hanson.' I was 10. I was 10 years old and I was in love. It was my first ever celebrity crush (Zac 143143143)

A few months ago I found my fifth grade yearbook and cried. Written in the 'My hopes and goals for the future' were two things: "To one day meet Hanson and to work in the music industry." I'm crying right now remembering how I felt reading that text. Because on July 24th, 2007 - exactly 1 month before 10 years from the first I ever saw Hanson I met them for my very, very first time. (And I'm bawling right now.) I'd seen them over 30 times between my first time seeing them and my first time meeting them. I'd sworn to myself it would happen naturally; not outside a venue after waiting 3 hours (although I still did wait around in the back just to see them on most occasions.) I swore it wouldn't matter how or when or if they were all married (they were) or if they all had kids (all but Zac did) because my love exceeded that of a sex symbol. And it did happen. It happens 10 years later and it happened 2 times in one day. It happened after missing meeting them at least 3 times by fractions of a second (at the DVD premiere, at the SETB premiere, in random venues, etc.) But I waited because my love for Hanson runs so deeply it sometimes hurts to listen to their songs because I feel every ounce of emotion ever put into writing, recording, performing that song. That's why I can so easily get so emotional about Hanson (and trust me, I do.) There's something about Hanson and their Fansons (if you will) that sparks a love in me that could never end. It's why I have my tattoo drawn up and ready to go, the notes of MMMBop the words 'This music is a place to hide' it's all so much more than lyrics and a few notes to me. It's a lifestyle. It's a love. It's a lifetime of adoration.

There's songs like "Down" that have helped me realize a lifetime of things. It was Fall of 2004 and I was in my freshman year of high school. My sister was a senior and over the past year or so of our lives we'd sort of fallen apart. Our whole family had. I decided to go to a religious retreat called Antioch with her and didn't really expect much to come of it but maybe a few new friends. My sister didn't tell me that she had a speech planned for her explaination as to her 'turning point in life' when she found religion, God and love. Her story was about our family. Her story talked about a number of things including how her little sister (me) had found solace in locking herself in her room and disappearing. During Antioch speech-givers are requested to pick 2 or 3 songs to play randomly throughout their speech. The entire church is asked to join hands and just listen. Down by Hanson was one of my sister's song for our family, my disappearance from her life and our love for music (the other was This Is Your Life by Switchfoot). It was the first time in a long time that I realized there was no reason to cut my sister out... that even though we were different, we came together (and always have) for Hanson. For their music. Just standing in a crowd, together. That's where we're family.

Hanson brings people together no matter what. Whether you're old friends, family, fans, strangers, Danny Jones... it will bring you together. I remember standing in front of Danny Jones in some little shoddy movie theater in Times Sq. after veiwing Just My Luck for the first time (WITH McFLY) and being so nervous... ready to cry, vomit, faint... and then him standing there, singing Penny and Me. And me joining. And me loving it. And me realizing one of my favorite artists was standing in front of me singing my very first favorite artists song. I remember Penny and Me with such a great feeling in my heart. It's holds all my happy memories in it's melody. It brings me back to a few falls ago when it had just come out and I didn't have my license just yet but my sister took my brand new Mustang out and we turned the heat up, rolled the windows down, bought 4 copies of the single and pushed the pedal to the ground. I remember that drive like it was yesterday. I remember the smell of fall, the tinny sound of Taylor's voice in the speakers, sticking my hand out the window, being in love with life...

But not all Hanson songs hold fantastic memories and not all Hanson songs hold horribly sad memories. Some songs (like With You In Your Dreams) hold both, wrapped up in each other. Bitter sweet. Tears come but the smile shines through. It hadn't even been two months since my best friends passing in March when I recieved notice that I had won a meet and greet for the Allentown, PA show in May. Gabby managed to get one as well and we were so ridiculously excited that... well... there's not much to say other than we were so ridiculously excited. It was only mine and Gabby's 2nd time meeting them as a band (I'd met Taylor individually that September on the Walk in Colombus, Ohio.) so we were naturally devestated when the entire meet and greet got pushed back until after the show. We were allowed to go into the venue first, get front row and enjoy the show but we'd have to wait until afterwards to actually meet them. I was tired, I'd had classes all day and Bamboozle was the next day. It was so upsetting to hear it was the very first time a meet and greet ever had to be pushed back. So we watched the show and enjoyed the show and suddenly, right in the middle of it, we heard the beginning notes to With You In Your Dreams. A song I haven't heard since AT LEAST 2000, if not later than that. It wasn't a song they'd played at ALL on the ENTIRE tour and it wasn't a song that they frequently played since the DVD taping in '03. Gabby and I cried the entire time. It just felt natural to say something to them afterwards so I did. I stood there with Taylor and told him about Steph, her passing, what WYIYD meant to me and how I was so glad the meet and greet was pushed back to after the show so I could tell him. And Taylor stood there, looked us square in the face and said 'I believe in divine intervention and I believe I'm supposed to tell you we haven't played that song at all on this tour. We haven't played it in a long time. And I think, just maybe, that tonight that song was from Steph to you guys.' (Cue tears) To stand there, less than two months after the passing of my best friend, and hear an artist that I love so wholly and deeply that it hurts tell me that she was there, with us, that night... I knew it was true. Steph would only deliver such a message through music, through Hanson, through such a passionate love.

There are so many other great stories about Hanson like my mom flying me to Ohio so I wouldn't miss a tour. Like the first time I heard Yearbook live. Like the ten or so shows I've decided to go to on a whim... by myself. The ticket sales probably amount to something in the thousands, if not more. There's stories about eating so many Eggos for a month just for that t-shirt that I wanted to vomit Eggos out my eyes. There's stories about the two drawers of my dresser that are dedicated to my Hanson posters, magazines, books, stickers... There's something to say about the '97 Hanson sticker that sits next to the Cash Cash sticker on the back of my laptop. There's something to say about how hard I cried when I met them, how nervous I was, how big I smiled... I could talk about the speeches (persausive and informative) that I gave in not one but TWO of my freshman speech classes on Hanson, TOMS Shoes, Zac, MMMBop, Great Divide, etc. The amount of money, time, love, life I've spent on this band is outrageous. And clearly this blog shows that. Just the sheer amount of WORDS I've spent on explaining why I love them like I do is too much. And, like I said, it's probably not going to happen that anyone reads this. But, I think, in a sense it's more for me than anyone else.

As of October 22nd (Zac's 23rd birthday) I will know 3 bands that have opened for Hanson. 3 bands that I've watched flourish and expand in the music industry. Cash Cash, Honor Society and Article A and I'll believe you if you tell me in a year from now all of them will be huge if not the biggest of their genres. Hanson has something about them. A style, a feeling, a passion that makes everyone touched by it golden.

After a stimulating 2 and a half or so hour conversation about music, how it should make you feel and the stickiness factor of it all... my brain was craving some good freaking music at 3:54. And as I clicked around in my playlist and on my computer I slowly began to realize I've been gravitating toward such a certain sort of genre lately. I think it's going to be the next big thing and because of that I'm divulging you all in what I think is going to become the new genre of pop: ELECTRO-POP. Who doesn't love a good jam with maybe some synth stuff going on? C'mon now. It's just the whole dance scene that makes me wanna... Dance. And after the Dance RAWR Dance Family Force 5 show last night I think it's about time The One Love has their own little dance party. So here are some of my favorite jams to dance to these days... I highly recommend you give them a listen if you're looking for some new dance party mixes:

Iglu & Hartly - They just blew up in the UK and I was immediately informed that I needed to jam to them ASAP. They're some dudes from Cali that go by Iglu and Hartly and if you don't dance your bum off to In This City I just don't know what to tell you. It's totally... catchy. I'm listening right now and going banana sandwich in my bed. And DayGlo! Ummm, hello 80's! We didn't get to spend much time together but Iglu & Hartly are helping me rekindle the 80's flame. PLUS THEY HAVE A DINOSAUR ON THEIR MYSPACE!!!! If that doesn't sell you on the band in and of itself I just don't know what to tell you.

MGMT  - They are 100% on my level right now. Especially with "Electric Feel" if you can successfully listen to that song without wiggling your behind at least a little then give me a call and we need to have a serious heart to heart because you may or may not need to immediately look into psycho-therapy. Plus, Andrew Van Wyngarden isn't too bad looking... and by "not too bad looking" I mean he's drop dead dreamy-sexual. Any man that can sing a falsetto like that makes my heart flutter faster than the speed of light.

Fujiya & Miyagi - ONE WORD: KNICKERBOCKER. I mean the word Knickerbocker is already awesome to begin with... but throw in some intense beats and I'm side-stepping like it's my job... whenever this comes on in the office I always want to stand up on my desk and dance. F&M is ALWAYS my number one pick on a juke box, tequila friday or just dancing around in my bedroom...

Black Moth Super Rainbow - Forever Heavy gets my pulse pumpin'. It sort of brings me back to some Fatboy Slim sort of stuff, but better? Could it be? Probably...

So go, kiddies. Go have yourself a dance party. I swear the next blog will be intellectual. I think I've just intellected myself out for the time being. Sometimes what you really need is a good, solid dance party - and that's what I'm hoping to give to you all. :)

Jade (9:56:40 PM): forreal i will make enough money to rent out manchester and pay danny to straighten his hair and sing dont know why

We're installing another charity on The One Love in the following few weeks... it's going to be the 'Jade wants Danny in Manchester with Straight Hair singing Don't Know Why' organization.

So last night was the AMAZING Family Force 5 show. Words can't even describe how great the whole night was! Cassie didn't jump off the balacony but it's okay because she and I went banana sandwich all night long anyway. I've never seen Cassie rap about being a hick like she did last night. The lights during the show were so sick. So, so, so sick.

We all filmed a great video blog for all you One Lovers! I think you should be extremely stoked because it was fairly hilarious.

I got to watch Article A in their element and they connect so well with any and every demographic, I love it. Cassie and I sat on the sidewalk in awe as they networked like the networking son-of-a-guns (note the lack of cursing, Christian!) they are.

Annnnnd GUESS WHO SHOWED UP!? THE REAL WORLD BROOKLYN! YAYAYAAAA! Haha, I think the show is just stalking me out now... as soon as I saw the camera crew I was like, 'CASSIE, CASSIE, CASSIE! REAL WORLD BROOKLYN IS HERE!' and then I spent the rest of the night being a jerk and trying to get into the background of any shot that I could. My appearances on the Real World are probably going to be some of the top 10 most memorable Real World moments ever.

This blog is essentially a really big teenie bopper blog. I didn't feel like taking the time to be intellectual in this one because I'm so ridiculously tired. I apologize for that but I'm going to go take a really huge nap and drool all over myself. Adios Amigos!

Tonight Cassie claims she's going to jump off the balacony during the Family Force 5 show. I'm ridiculously excited for this to occur. I am ALSO ridiculously excited to meet fellow blogger Chap Stique tonight because although I shake it like an earthquake to his music on a daily basis we have yet to meet. I'm ALSO extremely amped to hang out with fellow bloggers Article A and Chris Stahl. Alex from Honor Society is also gracing his presence.. this could be the sickest ever. It's retarded how much I love it.

I'm sorry I don't have my Obama mask for tonights show :( I didn't find it in a Target in time. More about that and the show later.

Dougie, Danny, Tom and Harry will spend year in America
By 3am 16/07/2008

Now the band have set up their own record company, Super Records, they believe the sky's the limit.

With seven UK No 1s already under their belts, Dougie, Danny, Tom and Harry are about to spread their wings, including a year in America.

Tom told us: "We didn't get to travel much with our previous record company but now we really want to get out there.

"We never did much in America and that's one thing we'd like to do. To do it properly we'd need to spend a year over there and visit all the towns - not just New York and LA."

After dumping their record company, McFly had to tighten the purse strings and skip the superstar luxuries. Danny said: "We flew economy back from Australia instead of first class - everything is going back into the next album."

If this is true you just succeeded in making me stand at Cassie's door in nothing but a men's button down shirt and cry.

P.S - I will also drop out of college in '09. Thanks.

P.P.S - Not that I ever doubted my radio-dip abilities but... let's just recap what went down about a year ago today (taken from one of my old MySpace bulletins AmandaJo saved)

Okay, so I always do these things "radio-dips" and it's where I ask my radio a question and then I'll turn on the next station and whatever song is on is my answer, I just do it randomly... I dunno why. So I was telling Amanda (who is visiting) how I do them and I was like, 'ask a question like, here I'll ask one. Is McFLY coming to the US?' and we flip the station and it's LOLA. NO JOKE!!!! We started screaming our asses off. hahahahahahahahahahaa. I don't think that happens in real life.

Ded.

Today was the perfect day. I got to wear my new men's leather bomber jacket that my mom got for me at the thrift store for my 20th. Music in the subway makes me dream of falling in love in this city that's too busy to notice I care. Everyday there's a new person playing at the transfer from the 4,5,6 to the L. I stop and watch everyday. If only for a second. It makes me feel like part of the soundtrack to this hum drum city life. Every thing is the soundtrack to my life in this place. The clanging of trains on the track; the same noise that makes me plug my ears with disgust. The footsteps that seem to get louder as the days get colder. Boots. Bundling. Warm. Tonight I sat under the stars with Emily and talked about life and Al Green. I highly recommend his new jams. I like the way the smoke hangs heavier in the air when I exhale this time of year. It's like we've all slowed down just enough to notice when we bump shoulders. I want to read a book that changes the way I think and the way I want to live. I miss books that spark such a heavy feeling in me that I actually take the time to read them again.

Holden Caulfield, call me. I like your salt & pepper hair and your tendency to do creepy things. I fantastize about you the way Cathy dreams of Edward Cullen. Except I'm probably the only one that crushes on u in da world.

You know, this is what i've always liked about New York... these little moments on the sidewalks, you can watch the buildings, you can feel the air, look at the people... sometimes you meet somebody you feel like you can talk to...

Sometimes I pretend that camera crews follow me around, just waiting for those moments when my life feels more like a movie than anything else. I think I'd make a great chick flick... I just need to find the Ryan Gossling to my Rachel McAdams. Perhaps the cameras are just waiting right off screen for him to finally step into the picture.

I guess sometimes fiction is better than the cold, hard truth.

I can't stop blogging. My fingers keep typing, my mind keeps spinning; there's been at least 3 blogs that I've posted and then deleted. I apologize. But I've finally calmed my nerves. I've finally focused my mind on one thing and one thing only: the fact that I'm literally bringing in the next decade of my life. This is the close of my teens, the start of my twenties. My twenties. That's too scary to even type let alone say. I don't know if I'll remember to say it for the next two months, test me. Ask me how old I am. Chances are I'll say 19. I just don't feel 20, I just don't feel old enough.

Today I've been thinking about what it means to be 20. I've been on this earth for 20 years and is there anything I wish I did differently? Anything I want to change now because, before I know it, I'll be writing this blog at 30 and wondering why I didn't change anything at 20. And then it hit me... the answer is no, I wouldn't change anything. And I know this because as I was pondering about my past 2 decades on earth MMMBop from Hanson's Middle of Nowhere Acoustic began to play on my IPod and Taylor said something that hit such a chord in me that I practically started bawling the second it came out of his mouth. He said (and I quote) "About, oh god, more than 10 years ago which is frightening... 1995 we were recording a record and we were here in Tulsa recording in a one garage studio and one of the songs was a song called MMMBop. About a year later we were turned down by pretty much every record company in the business several times... Eventually someone signed us and we started to make a record called Middle of Nowhere & one of the songs on there was a song called MMMBop. Which went onto completely change our lives in many ways and of course introduce us to you through a completely unexpected success. It's amazing after 10 years of playing the music from MON and MMMBop specifically still no one has any idea what it means except for the few of you here who realize that that song is really about holding onto the things that really matter and, ultimately, the people that will be there in the end. And that's you." Cue tears. I'm already bawling just typing it out.

It reminded me of the moment I saw them at the Supper Club in NYC back in March of god-knows-when and Taylor said, 'This is a ten year anniversery. Not for the band but for us. Ten years ago you guys heard this song for the first time. Ten years of sitting outside in the cold, unforunately. Ten years of bringing the house down..."

It came to me in that moment that I have been a Hanson fan for 10 years. Actually, scratch that, 12. 12 years. I've never missed a tour. Ever. I'm sure most of you have heard about my first year in college and swearing to my mom that if I missed a tour I'd drop out of college and about a month into it, low and behold, I missed a tour. I called my mom bawling but swore I didn't mean it and I'd stay in school. A week later, because I swore I'd stay in school, my mom called me and said, 'What are you doing Wednesday?' And I said, 'nothing... why?' And she said, 'I bought you a plane ticket out to Ohio. You're going to Ohio to see Hanson.' Some of you even know that AmandaJo hooked it up and got me into the venue before everyone else where the best day of my entire life occured. A lot of you have probably heard the story of the first time I met them, the time Taylor told me that he believed in divine intervention and that he truly thought with all his heart With You In Your Dreams was dedicated from Stephanie to me back in May. This band has supplied me with a decades worth of tears, joy, happiness, music, love. This band is my everything. This band is my saving grace. And I've spent more than half of my life loving them. Would I change anything about the past two decades of my life? Absolutely not. Because if I ever did I might not have this, I might not have the sheer joy of listening to their music.

I am so glad that music has meant more to me throughout the majority of my life than anything else out there. Honestly. 12 years loving a band. One day I'll get my tattoo and you'll all know how serious the love really is. But until then, I'll continue to cherish this band with all my heart and soul. If you don't fully believe that I cried the entire time I wrote this blog then you really have no concept of what a huge Hanson fan I am. I will be seeing them 2 times on this tour (maybe three) it will be my 47, 48 and 49th times seeing them. I wish every band could captivate me like this.

One day I will sit down and blog about every Hanson moment that has ever occured for me in my entire life that's changed my entire life for anyone that wants to read it. But for now this will suffice because I'm crying and listening to Hanson on repeat.

I'm writing this because, although Chris came up with the blog and the blog title, he didn't post it which breaks my heart... so now it's my turn to give it a shot.

Obviously this week has been a huge blur of good times with great people (The One Love show kicking it off followed by the Boston gig at T.T the Bear's, Tequlia Friday @ our apartment and the SBX film festival to see our roommates film debut in Detriot Unleaded) but lately my blogs have been too long to include all of this week so I'm cutting it down to just Friday and Saturday (my favorites).

Basically, Thursday night, I was on the phone with Chris when I mentioned that I really, really wanted to go to the Boston show to see The Crash Moderns, Atomic Tom, The Wellingtons and their special guests. Chris happened to mention that he was looking into picking up an amp an hour outside Boston and was probably going to head over that way on Friday if the amp deal went through. I instantly harassed him into allowing me into his car. Come Friday morning all went well and I was picked up by 2:30 and had owned control of Chris's IPod by 2:45. After a quick wiring of the rent to our roommates (from both of us) we hit the BQE to stand still for a long ass time. That's when Chris and Lauren's Infinite Playlist came into full effect: it began with some Earthquake by Family Force 5 and I think I recall Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back" being one of the first few as well. A quick stop for diesel gas warranted the playing of "Never Ever" by All Saints (if you ever see that on a guy's IPod you should definitely invest some time in at least trying to become his best friend, girls.)

Essentially we drove for 7 hours to Gloucester and filled all of it with ridiculous amounts of musical A.D.D. There were songs that make us cry (I shed my first tear in front of Chris during Switchfoot's "This Is Your Life") and songs that made us turn up the volume, tune each other out and fist-pound our chests (like "Always Love You" by Whitney Houston and "Heart Will Go On" by Celine). A lot of our conversation revolved around songs and what they reminded us of and when we saw that artist in concert, etc. It was a great time. With only one quick stop off at a McDonald's for a romantic lunch we got the amp and turned our asses right around and drove the 1 hour back to Boston. We arrived just in time to miss the Wellingtons which broke my heart but I was perfectly fine with it when Luke began to belt the first lines of Atomic Tom's 'Take Me Out' (which was also great song that was played somewhere along the 7 hours of driving). After Atomic Tom tore up the stage (I was literally frightened for their bassist Phil's life, he was going ape-shit... but I loved it.) the special guests came out, The Click Five, They put on a great show of new songs that they wanted the audience to see and I enjoyed all of the new tunes but LOVED three of them. I'm excited for new things from old friends that will never cease to amaze me.

After the special guests ;) came out The Crash Moderns hit the stage. It was my first time seeing them live (shocking, I know!) and I was totally stoked on it. Chris bought their CD for an addition to the playlist on our 5 hours back to NYC and we were completely ready to head back when an old friend of Chris's invited us to stay at the hotel room she'd gotten in Boston just so we could rest up and not crash the car (which was highly possibly since we were ridiculously tired and I can't drive stick so Chris wouldn't allow me to even be taught.) We opted to stay at the hotel and I waited in the room for pizza and wings while the others went out to a bar until final call (underage, suckage) The pizza came and we indulged and then passed out for about 6 hours. Got up, got burritos, stuck Chris's in my purse and got back into the car for 5 hours back home. The 5 hours back were probably the most excruicating 5 hours in a car I've ever experienced. There was extreme bouts of laughter that came from nothing, moments when Chris would start talking and realize he had no idea what he was saying, hunger pains, and just the sheer need to sleep. We got back at about 5:30pm and last night Chris and I tallyed up all the hours we spent in a car and it came out to roughly 13. Ridiculous.

Thanks to anyone that took part in this week - really, it's been a truly amazing way to end the last week of my days as a teen (that's right, although my age is often debated on... I'm really only 19 and 20 in about 4 hours... wow.) So honestly, thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize the past 2 decades of my life haven't been wasted on loving something so much it makes me crazy.

So long, kids.

Today I sat around in anticipation - waiting for the on-slaught of descriptive blogs that were going to come out of last night all about what went down and how it went down. I was severely let down, everyone's blog just didn't do it for me. I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that we're all hungover, eating junk food to cure the need to vomit and hiding out for the next few days (at least until everyone forgets about all the embarassment we each endured last night) But I have decided not to let this one slide today. I've decided to fill all you TOL's in on what you missed out on and what sort of ridiculous activities you can look forward to with your future with The One Love.

First and foremost all of you probably know that the party was hosted at Angels and Kings and some of you probably know that I'm underage and don't have a fake I.D. Well, no worries, I worked my magic and thank the Lord for that because we got there around 9:30 and realized the 2$ vodka drink special was ending in 30 minutes! What to do? Well, drink up goddamnit! So, by the time it was 10 o'clock I was roughly three drinks deep and, having not had the time to eat all day, seriously contemplating rolling on the floor of Angels and Kings (oh wait, that's Cassie's job...) The crowd of TOL readers and writers alike filed in slowly first with Chris and Devin of East 146, Article A (minus Joe, screw you Jade), Jade, Cassie & my roommates, Emily & Marcie, Tommy from the Crash Moderns & their tour manager, Dan, Adele, Brittany, Lindsey, Sarah, the list goes on & on. The party had just started bumping when all of a sudden A CAMERA CREW entered the bar.

Well, if any of you know anything about me, it's been my life-long goal for the past 2 months to get on the Real World: Brooklyn (filming this season). I was absolutely OBSESSED with getting myself on the Real World and being that we live in Brooklyn and it films in Brooklyn I figured it'd be easy to bump into them on some random night... so I started a quick rumor that it was The Real World cast and got on my drinking way. About twenty minutes later I turned my head and spotted two very tall, very good-looking men that I instantly recognized as two of the members (Joe and Dennis) of Runaway Orange! I was stoked out of my face because I've known Runaway Orange since 2001ish and I knew they were close friends with Cash Cash (refer to my previous Cash Cash blog for more on them). I weasled my way over to them, about to ask if they were indeed in Runaway Orange and if Cash Cash was coming later when I spotted JP himself! I flipped my lid ten times and then proceeded to harass the crap out of people. The night went as planned with lots of Chris Stahl dance moves being thrown around, tequila shots being thrown down and failed attempts at getting on whatever was filming in the bar (I still swore it was The Real World... but only in my mind.) Then TRAVI! from Gym Class Heroes came into the bar and there was a bit of a scuffle (or maybe I was the only one scuffling? I don't even know why. It was totally anticlimatic and I don't even really know anything about him except that he pulls of peircings better than any man I've ever seen.) We met a bunch of people just by mingling and it seemed like just about everyone in the bar was a music industry kid, music industry mogle, music industry junkie. It was too much fun and somehow everyone in the bar knew at least one mutual person. We met a man named Matt Hogan who plays for Miley Cyrus and knows my best friend, Kat. Hilarious. We met a man named Donny (not Avacado) who was in a band called I Am Jet Set who is represented by Sterling, Rooks and Ferrara (The entertainment law firm that our roommate, Emily, works for) Funny, funny things.

Finally we get to probably my favorite part of the whole night. I was standing with JP and Mike from Cash Cash when I hear this familiar song. And, low and behold, it is Cash Cash ON. IN AK47. I pooped in my pants and had a completely out of body experience. It was honestly like I was looking back on my entire history from the beginning of my obsession with music to the point where I'm at right now and I think my head probably exploded and I totally levitated off the ground or some shit like that. That would happen to me when I was housed drunk and I wouldn't remember it.

Eventually I stepped outside for a cigarette (which took about 4 to 5 hours of begging people I didn't know for one) and began talking to a nice man named Kyle who lived in Brooklyn and was with the film crew. I stealthly asked him, 'so, what're you guys doing here? You can tell me.' And he said, 'We're filming a show called Intervention.' And I said, 'Oh yeah! On A&E!' And I was stared at like a crazy person because what 19 year old knows of the show Intervention? (I love educational T.V) So I tried again, 'No, really.. what are you filming? You're filming the Real World.' (Completely sarcastic.) 'Yes, please don't say anything. Really. I'll get in trouble.' Hilarity ensues. I HAD DONE IT! I WAS ON THE REAL WORLD, IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT ON THE REAL WORLD NONETHELESS. My mind was racing. I was in heaven. I had really done it. So on and so forth let's not embarass myself more with this topic... but I stayed outside for a long while. Came back in and realized EVERYONE HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME AND LEFT ME! LITERALLY. Luckily JP, Mike, Dennis and Joe were still there so I harassed them some more and then spotted a short little man being filmed walking out of the bar and I instantly realized it was Pete Wentz. Let's not even get into how much I didn't care and how much I would've cared 6 years ago. Let's not even get into the fact that I flew to Chicago to see FOB and Rufio in 2001 and that I watched Pete Wentz walk out of AK47 while I poured myself another drink and looked the other way. I don't know why it happened and I don't know why it almost upsets me. I want hysteria. I miss hysteria. Let's make it happen, kids.

So basically I stumbled my way home at 3am (with a member of the Real World in my subway car!!!), knocked over a huge candle and shattered glass everywhere, called Chris and moaned about how drunk I was, went and told Jade she'd missed Pete Wentz and then passed out until 8am and woke up just in time to be embarassed about last night for the rest of my life (refer to my previous blog if you're confused as to what I mean.)

All in all I'm pretty bummed that no one expressed how truly amazing last night was. I think it might've had something to do with the fact that it really was just too good for words. Even this poorly written blog doesn't suffice. Being there and seeing it all pan out in front of us was just pure hilarity.

Please forgive me if you met me/saw me last night. I am mortified. And here are my top 10 reasons why (as requested by Jade)

10. Because I screamed, 'Travi is here' louder than the music when Travi walked in. (Why does he always ring the gong and not buy everyone drinks?)

9. Because a man grinded on me and told me he had a boner.

8. Because I broke into Angels & Kings.

7. Because The Real World: Brooklyn apparently hangs out in Manhattan. If you really want to know the whole story behind this, inquire within. But I assure you, it's definitely embarassing enough to make #7 on the list.

6. Because every person in the bar (including girls) told me they had significant others so I would stop talking to them.

5. Because I tried to steal Emily's girl-kiss virginity. And undress her. Numerous times.

4. Because I told a woman's best friend that I wanted to sleep with her best friend's husband. All the time.

3. Because Pete Wentz poured me a drink and I didn't know he was in the bar until he left at 3.

2. Because someone told me they would buy me a drink if I left them alone.

1. Because Gary knows I want his shit. (Sub comment: Because everyone knows I wanted their shit... even if I didn't.)

It's 9:35am and I already give up on life. (I got home about 5 hours ago) If you weren't mortified for me when reading this list you're brain dead (side note: see #2 if you weren't mortified for me.) I apologize if you didn't make the list, you just weren't embarassing enough. Take it as a compliment this time. You were salvaged in my path of destruction.

And if you were at the previous One Love gathering I was at you know that this list of embarassing things isn't even close to how embarassing I was in January. One Love and I are over.

I've always loved traveling. It was never a secret; one out of every two people I know have commeted on the amount of money I spend on trips. People always mention the sheer amount of time I spend on airline websites; memorizing airport codes (Bangkok - BKK, Belize City - BZE, Heathrow - LHR), prices, off-seasons and sought after destinations. I've always chalked it up to the fact that I grew up overseas but as I've gotten older that excuse has slipped further and further into the past. I've been in the states for 12 years now and all I'm ever itching to do is leave. That's not to say that I don't love America & my life in it, if anything I've learned to appreciate it more, but tonight, after a spur of the moment (and not unprecedented) online flight search (which surprised me with prices only slightly above 450$ to Paris, London & Berlin) I was sitting out on the patio when I happened to notice the gaggle of in-coming and out-going flights (from JFK, I presume) flying just above our apartment. I found myself longing to be one of the people on the plane; found myself making up stories of my fellow passengers lives: the man in the business class returning to his family of tour, the dark skinned woman with her child in arms - stepping foot in America for her first time: embarking on a new life. I found myself wondering how many people on the plane were going to be checking off the 'pleasure' box on their costums cards & how many others would be checking off 'business'?

Finally, I realized something about my love of travel that I had never considered before. I love traveling because of the sheer anonmity it offers. I long to step foot on the soil of another continent not only to learn & explore, but mostly to blend in. It's places like Madrid & London, Berlin & Paris that hold my interest most because no one cares. You step into the bustling streets of a foreign city and for the most part no one takes the time to notice that you're not like them; you're not one of them. Traveling is like writing your own book. You can learn the stories of your temporary homeland, you can browse the streets that will never change & you can write your own pages of your life story, slip into the shoes of an elegant Parisian or a trendy Berliner (Berlinese?) And no one is the wiser. Who are they to say you're not who you portray yourself to be?

New York City can only retain your anonmity for so long. Sooner or later you'll be discovered. You start to notice them: the familiar faces. It'll begin with just one or two outside your door, familiar faces without names but familiar ones nonetheless. Then it will turn into a handful that religious ride the L with you at the same time everyday: suddenly you have a name or a story to place with the face. City life is meant to be detached. You're meant to rush along the streets with the same people day after day, not caring who they are or what they do. But eventually you begin to take notice, you begin to become curious. You want to know more about your fellow people. That's when I need a vacation. A holiday from real. Otherwise I'll spend the rest of my life sitting on the L getting to know every person that gets on. It takes a vacation to realize that I can't physically know everyone in the world. Not even myself.

I think it takes a vacation or two of pretending to be someone else to fully figure out who you've changed into in the last year. I'm scared if I stop fleeding I'll loose myself. All this travel isn't about chasing anyone or anything but me.

Cassie just told me about how this morning she reached for the last roll of toilet paper, put it on the toilet paper holder, wiped... and screamed bloody murder.

Someone spilled bathroom cleaning bleach on the last roll and told no one.

She says it burns like shit. I don't recommend trying it unless you're a real champ... or hoping for a quick-fix for a genital removal operation.

These are the kinds of things they won't teach you in college. Enjoy.

Blogging on TOL is a stressful thing. Everyday something spikes my interest, turns my head and makes me think about writing a blog. Some are funny. Some are short. But for the most part I have at least 3 ideas for a blog running through my head at once. So yesterday when I only had one idea floating in my mind I knew that I had to sit down and write about it. It took a day of rest & relaxation (I called out of my internship today, no classes, etc.) for me to come to terms with putting it out there for the world to see, but I think it's due time.

This is me and my three best friends. We met in 2005 and were pretty much inseperable ever since. Music was our common ground: I met Kat and Steph (the two on the left) at a Click Five concert when Steph screwed up my picture with Joey that I wasn't supposed to be taking in the first place and all four of us (Me, Gabby, Kat and Steph) hung out for the first time at Bamboozle while we fawned over October Fall. Someone wrote a blog this week about whether or not 'friends forever' was possible. With these three girls I honestly thought it was and would be. That was until 6 months ago from yesterday. 6 months and 1 day ago Stephanie passed away unexpectedly. There's nothing to say about it. Nothing that can help or explain what happened and why it happened.

In short my life was over. I had never experienced loss before. Never before had a family member or friend been taken from me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't imagine how it had happened to me.

People always say that the pain will go away with time but I seem to find the opposite. It's days when I don't shed a tear that I become most fearful. When I literally can look back and laugh it's the most painful because that means I'm forgetting. I know I shouldn't look at it that way but it's when I don't cry that I'm scared I'm forgetting.

6 months is a lifetime for me now. 6 months has been a world of reflection, memories, tears, fear... I've woken up crying from dreams that have been so real that I can't breathe realizing that they're not. Everyday is a day of fighting, wondering whether or not today will be a day that I will make it through without crying or whether it will be one of those ones where I just lay around and cry.

This isn't meant to be upsetting or requesting pity. I know that everything that happened happened for a reason. Even if I don't yet know that reason. After Steph passed away I moved to New York City, I transferred schools, I begun to live the life in and out of music that I've always wanted to live. That I always dreamed about with Steph. Here I am, 6 months later, blogging on a website that was the birth child of a Click Five member and 2 girls I hardly knew at the time... I don't think I ever dreamed it in 2005 while I was happy to just get a picture with my favorite member. Just do want you want; be glad about what you accomplsih and live the life you've always wanted. Life can be over in a second. Cherish it.

To begin with this is Cash Cash outside an ATM:

(Picture credit: Cassie)

This photo wasn't JUST taken for comedic value (Cash Cash outside an ATM? Hilarious...) no, it was taken because these boys right here have been my pride and joy for over 6 years now. I adored them in 6th grade when they were nothing but the local band playing at the local talent shows. And I adored them right up through all the music changes, member changes and life changes that we all went through. Two nights ago Cassie announced the they were going to be playing with Valencia in Philly and then taking a break before touring with Metro Station. I immediately thought, 'I need to see them.' I hadn't spoken to JP in a while so I called him and just like that he put my name on the list and we were set.

Upon arriving and seeing them play I was absolutely blown away. For their genre these kids tear it up. Actually, scratch that, they tear it up in any genre. JP commands the stage like nothing I've ever seen before. I was gushing by the second song. After the show was over JP made a quick announcement that they were going to be doing a short acoustic set outside the venue like they had at every single venue on the tour.

That's when my head exploded.

It was so impossibly perfect - 30 or so kids crowded around them as they sang on the street, causing a commotion. That is dedication. That is excitement. Fun. Personable. That is the type of things people beg the bands they love to do and Cash Cash just went out there and did it -- for fun. And it was SO much fun. Afterwards they stood around and chatted with everyone and all I wanted to do was scream and pinch their cheeks. They are amazingly fun, nice, great guys. I recommend that everyone checks out Cash Cash, whether it's for their music or their personality. They're awesome kids. It's worth it. (Plus, they have pretty gnarly stickers)

MYSPACE.COM/CASHCASH

xxx Lauren

To win an award that is shaped into a questionable piece of anatomy (vagina? penis? alien birth pod? ... you decide)

and to see some pretty baller Spanish acts that would make me want to eat even more Mexican than I already do with Cassie as my roommate. Try to get me there if you can, thanks.

Yesterday, while I was sitting in my internship office over at Tell All Your Friends PR I was googling some things and looking for any new websites that updated with reviews, interviews or tour dates of any of our artists and I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling of being proud. I'm an intern so really nothing that gets done is essentially done by me, but still... seeing one of our bands on television or their CD in a juke box at some bar in Brooklyn makes me so incredibly happy. It's such a great feeling: watching music grow. Watching people react, experience, enjoy, dislike... whatever their heart desires. To me, that is music... that is love... that is life.

I grew up in Switzerland and Thailand and the one thing that I remember perfectly is the fact that there was only one constant in my life: music. It didn't matter if I moved from Europe to Asia... it didn't matter if I moved from one city to the next... I was always sure to find music there, albiet a different type. Or, sometimes, like in the case of New Kids On The Block or Backstreet Boys... the same kind. Pop translates so easily between contients and countries and that's something that Cassie and I fully realized being in Belize and speaking with the two little girls who came into our hotel room immediately upon hearing the music we were playing and continued to squeal about the Jonas Brothers.

 I've watched music-related friends come in and out of my life, one of which I spoke to for the first time in 3 years last night, and I was so shocked to hear she'd gone into law. Marine law of all things. I was shocked to hear her tell me about our other concert buddy who was now doing architecture. And it blew me away to the point that I even said, 'I can't believe I'm the only one who stuck with music.' and her response made me want to cry. It was a long pause of silence followed by, 'I think about it everyday.' How could you let this go? How could you possibly turn your back on something that will always, has always, given you so much pleasure? That's not to say people that aren't in the music industry can't enjoy music, but I just can't possibly imagine loving it so much it hurts and then proceeding down a different path of life. And for what? For money? For security? Call me crazy but I'd rather take my chances on music.

Music brings people together. It's brought us all here and it's pretty much brought all my friends into my life. And, I might be hung over, but I know one thing: the feeling I get when I see a band I've helped out or enjoyed for a long time actually succeed or gain popularity is not a feeling I want to let go any time soon. This is what I plan to feel for the rest of my life.

My palms are sweating; my heart is racing. I feel like I just won an Emmy only a lot cooler. I don't know where to begin! This is all too much to handle. I guess I'll begin at the beginning, that's always a good place to start, am I right?

I've wanted to blog on The One Love since it was a wee little idea in the back of some pretty brilliant people's minds. I decided to hold onto my dignity and not beg so when I moved to New York City I opted to con Cassie into becoming my roommate just so I could subtlely drop hints about what a great One Love candidate I'd be... I don't think she caught on. After five months of living together I'd had enough and resorted to typing up a full blog and sending it to her - demanding she post it. My dreams came true when I was featured on Cassie's blog! (Which you should probably read because it's awesome, hilarious, exciting and definitely a depiction of what you'll be seeing from me in future blogs.) Never did I imagine I'd actually get my own! So here I am, writing about nothing at 2:37 in the morning because, to be completely honest, I'm super nervous and I just wrote a paper for philosophy class on why language is important. Try writing a paper on language and then attempt to even speak, let alone write... it's not even worth it. Your brain melts to such a degree that the only thing you can do is mumble and drool. Not fun. But learning is definitely fun! Just not when it's philosophy. So stay in school kids, but try to be absent on any days involving philosophy class...

Expect more exciting life lessons from me later!

Over & Out -- Lauren