you're gonna have a good day.

Today started off horendously. Worse than horrendously, just downright horrible. Today is exactly 1 year from Steph passing away. I don't remember the weather being this nice when I got the call. I don't know what that means, I just happened to notice it. I can't remember what I was wearing on that day any more.

I woke up today, didn't go to class and immediately began sobbing thinking it was how I was going to spend the rest of the day. I moved myself to the couch somewhere at about 10 and decided to watch a movie. Sydney White was On Demand so I picked it and settled in. I immediately started crying when Sydney White's (Amanda Bynes' character) mother was dead. It reminded me of Steph. I continued to watch the movie and about half way through "Revolution" by the Veronicas started playing. I got super excited because it's my all time favorite Veronicas song and it instantly reminded me of Steph because of all the Veronica-filled car trips we used to take.

A few minutes later the soundtrack changed to "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney which made me smile just as hard because of the fact that Steph and I were both avid Dream Street fans.

And then, the final song of the entire movie, was Good Day by the Click Five. I immediately started beaming. I haven't shed a tear since. Steph and I met at a Click Five signing in '05. It was the perfect end to a cute movie with a great Steph-inspired soundtrack.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder why Steph is peaceful not that I would ever wish an unfulfilled life on her but she was so young; Why didn't she stick around? How come she doesn't visit me in my sleep (frequently)? How come I don't feel her around me all the time? Obviously I know she's there but I just thought it would be more powerful. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I wanted a see-through Steph-ghost following me around. I just wanted to know she was there. And then I listened to the lyrics of Good Day and I realized she is here. She is everyone that I love around me, that I can look at and remember a great time with her. She is in my friendship with Kyle and Ben who were once the catalyst my first conversation with Steph. She is in the shoes she gave to my friend, Victoria, after only having met her one time. She's in the yellow sweater that I stole of hers and in the lining of the brown Danny Jones hat whenever I put it on my head. She's a little piece of everything and everyone I know. She is in a piece of every mission in life she ever accomplished and as I was thinking this I was reminded of a page of her notebook that Kat had posted on her blog. I went back and read it and smiled the whole time just knowing that, even in death, Steph is accomplishing her goals.

Lately I've been wondering what I could've possibly done in the last year that has granted me this year and not Steph. And then I re-read this list of hopes. I was granted this year so I could watch the impact that Steph has made and is still making on peoples lives. "Help lots of people" makes me smile the most just looking at her MySpace and Facebook walls today. I also laugh at being on the "Honor Roll" clearly Honor Society fans will understand. And I'll always hope and pray that she got that real smile she was looking for because she was always the one to bring it to the surface in me. She's made her Daddy proud in life and I'm sure she's making her Mommy proud in heaven. She's changed my life and she's made me excessively happy. As far as I'm concerned, she's completed all the real important tasks on this list.

She may not be a ghost floating behind me but today Good Day reminded me that she is a memory and I should carry her with me through my days and never take for granted the tiny situations in life that remind me of her, that make me think she's smiling, that make me stand up and dance like a maniac like she would've wanted it. So today I will dance like a maniac. Over and over. Starting with a booty-shaking to Good Day.