i don't miss the life i never led

I'm not even sure how to begin this entry.

That line seems fairly appropriate since "I'm not even sure..." has been a series of words prefacing almost every single thought running through my mind as of late. 

Life has been a rush lately. It feels like the whole summer should've been this way and not just the end because it's leaving me a little terrified to depart for Europe aka the unknown. People keep asking me how I'm doing it. "It" being going to a foreign country with absolutely no one that I know and most likely beginning a futile 4 month long attempt at speaking a language that will never come easy to me. The answer is I'm not even sure. Yesterday I decided to cut my 2 months of backpacking down to 2 weeks. Pretty drastic but I wanted to be home for New Years. I feel it's only appropriate to kick off a new year in the country I plan on living in for a long time after this escapade.

Another thing I've been thinking of in "I'm not sure" context is how I'm not really sure how but it's recently dawned on me that 4 years ago I had absolutely no idea who every single person I consider to be highly important in my life was. July 31st, 2005 was a day that will forever go down in the history of my life. Today is July 30th, 2009. That means at this exact hour 4 years ago my life was a life that now seems so foreign to me. I hadn't met the Click 5, I hadn't met the Jonas Brothers, I hadn't met Kat or Steph or Gabby or Adele or Amanda or Cassie or Jade or Caroline. Is that not the most frightening thought ever?

Tomorrow is 4 years from when I met half of those people (The Click, Kat, Steph and the JBs). And, not only did I meet half of those people, but they directed me to meet the other half. If I never met Click I never would've joined the boards and met Caroline or Anna who introduced me to Amanda and Adele. If I never met Jonas Caroline never would've asked to stay at my house when she won their contest. If I never met Caroline she never would've referenced Cassie and Jade to me when they were leaving for the Sic Tour. If I never met Cassie I never would've taken a chance and left York for NYC, I never would be blogging here. It gives me chills to think about. I get choked up just thinking about how lost I could've possibly been without these people; if my life hadn't taken this turn I wouldn't be me. What other world would exist? I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't know how amazing and blessed my life could ever possibly be.

4 years ago I was walking down a completely different path and somehow, in just 24 hours, my life found this new one. I am living in this reality today because of that one simple night.

Life is nuts like that, isn't it? I just don't believe in coincidence anymore.

I can feel my life gearing up for another change. After 2 weeks of Jonas and Honor Society shows... 2 weeks of remembering how amazing my life is and 2 weeks of some pretty hilarious stories I came out on the other side having tramped through 3 arena underground tunnels (that are the most confusing things in the world), a new collection of VIP passes, a shot engine (my car broke down) and a handful of new seeds planted for friendships I am sure will grow over the following 4 years.

Yesterday I sat on the phone with Jade for a few hours talking about how people like us will always be a little depressed because we always know the change is about to come. We are aware of how quickly things change, how fate is only in play for a second and it's your duty to grab on and not let go. I'm reaching out waiting for the moment to pass. I'm ready for a new adventure with the people who helped me to start this one 4 years ago. I'm ready for life to give me a curve ball and let me see the fork in the road. Trace a line from 4 years ago and it's changed me for the best. I'm ready to start a new line soon; I'm anticipating a line to trace. I want to sit here at this desk in another 4 years thinking of this moment as the one where it all changed... again. 

Well I hope it comes now, well I hope comes soon. Well I think it's about time I stop waiting for you, for you...