You're a wolf
You are dressed like a fox
Got me tied up in knots over you

You are stubborn.

You are selfish.

You are cold.

You are stuck-up/self-centered/arrogant/snobbish/proud.

You are too opinionated.

You are impatient.

You are intolerant.

You are, you are.

The Carmenata.

P.S. This isn't written with someone I hate in mind. But it's definitely someone I'm describing. But if you're reading this, I suppose chances are that it isn't you. Like I said, I wasn't thinking about someone I dislike as I wrote this.

I shall openly admit that I'm a boring person, period.

I know I am, you don't have to tell me that. =)

I happened - darn it, I'm so narcissistic that my sentences endlessly start with 'I' - to be having this little conversation with my friend online, and said friend was saying how philosophical our mindless chat have turned out to be, something that said friend claims to indulge in whenever possible.

That got me thinking.

As I reflected upon those words, I realised that I, too, enjoyed serious discussions as a result of lack thereof in ma vie quotidienne. We are always caught in a swirl of fun and light conversations that when discussions take a heaver load, we bolt.

Well, most people anyway.

They term these conversations boring.

I don't really blame them.

I kinda understand, cause I've been in that situation where I've probably thought the same before. But then again, realisation also dawned upon me that it's a rarity to find people who not necessarily think on the same wavelength as I do, but they have a similar streak that keeps the kind of conversation that I like ongoing. Or maybe we're just pretentious kids trying to act like we know enough.

Either way, I enjoy these talks.

I've finally found a boring-conversation buddy.

Hah.

The Carmenata.

I haven't updated my blog in ages, and I blame it on everything that's going on around me as well as my poor time management. See? I don't go around blaming people, though I DO sometimes blame them for making my life miserable when it isn't necessary to do so.

Y'know, being away for two months and then coming back has taught me heaps of things.

You see, I pretty much isolated myself when I was there, yet there are a few friends who are really cool and made the effort to keep in contact. On second thought, 'a few' isn't the right word. Perhaps one. Or two. But for now there's only one I can list from the top of my head who truly made an effort to keep in contact. And that's saying a lot, cause that friend isn't someone who goes to great lengths to show her feelings and stuff like that.

So I was pretty touched. And that's brought us even closer, I should think.

And then, I realised that I've lost quite a few people as well.

These people started off as friends, then became distant friends and then they became people who seemed more than eager to shut me out of their lives. Maybe it's because we weren't the type of people who could come together as friends in the first place, which is why things fell apart.

Then again, maybe that's just the way things happen.

People come and go, and that's a norm of life.

But it doesn't stop you from being disappointed to have spent your time getting to know these people only to find out that they don't really care.

Nevertheless, it's all a part of the growing process.

There are some friends that you really want to keep, maybe just a small handful, and some who come and go because they happen to pass by your life at the moment, and when the time comes for us to move on, they move on too.

So yeah. I've learned to realise even better than I did before who's real and who isn't.

The Carmenata.

Damn you, Ryan Cabrera. I can't get your song outta my head.

I guess that's what musicians are supposed to do. Write a song on a piece of paper, apply glue on the back page and stick it to your heart/head, depending on where you want it to stick.

Don't know what's up with me for the past two days, but I've been feeling really happy.

Without a reason.

I just keep smiling and smiling and smiling.

Yay, must be going crazy.

Hah.

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year. But I have to say that this is by far one of the most boring one I've had.

The Carmenata.

My writing skills died. When I say so, I am being utterly serious. It makes me wanna cry, honestly.

I am struggling to believe that I write better when I was better than I do now. Must be those goddamned chick lits I've been reading. Then again, I don't remember reading any chick lit for the past few months. Heck, my last book was Violin by Anne Rice. It's high time I pick up something even more stimulating than that as well. After I finish HELL'S HEROES by DARREN SHAN.

Excuse the expletives: -

OMG YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW FUCKING HAPPY I WAS UPON FINDING OUT THAT THE LAST INSTALLEMENT OF THE DEMONATA WAS OUT IN THE BOOKSTORE. I GRABBED IT AT FIRST OPPORTUNITY AND AND AND OMG I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO READ IT.

...

Did I spell installement correctly? Or is it installment?

I cannot be arsed to fetch the dictionary.

Brain jam(med). Tambah butter.

The Carmenata.

It has only been three days since I returned from France and I felt as though I've done more work in those three days than I did in the two months that I was there.

Talk about a hectic life but dear city, I've missed you.

I'm not a countryside person. Maybe I won't be saying this when I'm 50 and ready to retire to a quiet existence but for now, going away has made me love the city more than ever. It's not perfect, far from it if you will, yet I love it for all its in-your-face imperfections.

=)

The Carmenata.

P.S. To be updated in full length.

Il est un mois et trois semaines (à peu près) que je suis là en France. Maintenant je reste juste une semaine et quatre jours. Chaque fois que je pense de mon départ, je me sente un mélange de sentiments.

Je souris quand je pense de ma chienne, ma famille, mes amies, mon beau violoncelle ... mais je vais bien manquer toutes les choses ici. En plus, quand je pense de la vie qui m'attend là-bas, je veux bien me cacher.

Mais je sais bien que je ne peux pas l'éviter pour toujours.

Nothing lasts forever, and my stay here has been like climbing a birch tree (Birches, Robert Frost), but now it's time that the tree dip its topmost branch where I am and set me down on my feet.

It's a long way before my feet reach the ground, and looking down, I wonder if I'll ever land properly on my two feet. But I know the consequences of falling; I'll injure myself. And I might not get up. If I try hard enough, I know I will, but will I have the strength?

If I fall, do I have the willpower to bring myself back on my feet?

Non, je ne pense pas que j'ai la force.

Je ne sais pas. Je ne veux pas le penser. All I want to do right now is to enjoy the rest of my time here.

I love you.

The Carmenata.

I just came back from collecting my sister's UPSR results.

The girls were highly emotional, whether they perform well or not. And my sister, who proclaimed that she was not nervous about her results, actually came running to my dad in tears. As I walked past the other students who received their results, they, too, were crying.

My reaction was:

-scratches head blankly-

For both my previous government exams, I didn't really feel anything upon receiving my results.

It was like "Oh, so that's what I got" and then that's it.

Then again, maybe it's because I wasn't in school to receive my results slip. Both times, my results were made known via cell phone. I think it just killed the excitement. Haha.

Right now, I've somewhat adopted the mentality that MAYBE if I'm not around to receive my SPM results, I may get my A-pluses. Just maybe. The A-plus cut-off point may be a real bitch, but I secretly like it, though there's no guarantee that my results will be pretty now. It may even turn ugly, what with the "variety" of A's.

But screw it.

Life's no fun when there's monotony.

That's what I say. But is that how I feel?

Ha. Ha. Guess not.

The Carmenata.

I'm finally doing something about those stories I have stored in my hard disk for centuries.

http://carmenatapwns.blogspot.com/

or

http://stories.mibba.com/read/216051/Murder/1/

I shall admit this isn't my best piece but it's a start. =D

The Carmenata.

My friend will hate me till my dying day for doing this, but here is the Friendship Poem that Su Ann wrote in Form 1 and mass forwarded it to people on her friend list. I'm still keeping it. How bloody cheesy and lame, ain't it? xD

I love you too! =D

The Carmenata.

When I was 12, I wanted this password no one would figure out; a password no one can ever associate with me because duh, everyone wants a cool password no one but a hacker with too much time on their hands an crack.

Apparently, I'd used the very first name that came to my mind. A boy's name that popped out of nowhere and the name didn't really mean much to me. It was just a random name.

Just the other day, I was visiting a web site I frequented when I was younger and as I was typing the password, I couldn't help the smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

I'd kind of liked a guy with that same name this year.

Life works in funny ways. =)

The Carmenata.

Take a look at these:

Look at the toned muscles.

Oh, muscles.

The nose ring.

The tan.

The freckles.

The tattoos.

The bass. OHMYGAWD. THE BASS.

More often than not, the bass is hotter than the bassist, but this is a pretty close match.

Look at Zack Merrick! He's so hot.

How can those miserable and skinny and fair Korean boys with soft skin measure up? Well, they simply don't. xD

I mean ...

My poor, poor eyes.

They're partially blinded already. (Yes, by saying this, I'm signing my own death sentence by offending millions of girls who like skinny guys with funneh clothing)

But for now, I need my Zackmedy.

Nose ring. Tattoos. Bass. -faints-

The Carmenata.

I have a thing for smart guys.

Is that considered judgemental/prejudiced/choosy/bitchy/arrogant just because I happen not to be attracted to a guy who doesn't read PROPER books (i.e. he considers manga/comics/chick-lits as PROPER books), doesn't give a shit about his studies and has no idea who William Butler Yeats is?

Um, I guess so.

But I can't help it!

There's something magnetic about smart, cute, slightly dorky/geeky/nerdy boys that make me laugh. Like that guy (Zachary Levi) who plays Chuck Bartowski from the TV series, Chuck. He's adorable. I think Napoleon Dynamite is sweet. I think Adrian Grenier is really hot when he goes on and on explaining the theory of Mathematics in Numb3rs. I think David Hodges (Wallace Langham) from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is cute.

At the same time, I'm not going to really be attracted to that guy who does absolutely nothing but study for all that he's worth and not have an ounce of wit to reply to an off-handed comment thrown at him.

Weeeeeeeeee.

My preset of 'smart' is intelligent, witty and creative.

But of course, my favourite nerd of all is Chuck Comeau. He's a nerd who almost went on to become a lawyer. He's a geek who goes online as frequently as he can and is never seen without his BlackBerry. He's a dork who plans almost everything regarding his band down to a science. He's a perfectionist. He's creative. He's smart. He's sensitive to what's going on in the world. The only un-dorky thing about him is that he plays drums. Haha.

These are not very conventional guys to like, I suppose.

I mean, there's this 21st century saying that goes like this: Every girl hearts a bad boy.

More often than not, the bad boy is this rugged-yet-hot guy who is slightly rude and rowdy, doesn't really fail to make you laugh with his (unintelligent) jokes, makes you feel like you're in the centre of attention and is almost always a (dumb) jerk. He acts like he doesn't really care about you and may sometimes hurt your feelings yet has the ability to pull you back to him almost like a yoyo.

Apparently, girls have this thinking that they can change a bad boy and make him theirs forever.

And when forever ends they cry their hearts out.

Tsk tsk.

I may sound slightly bitter, but I'm not. I'm being ... realistic?

Then again, I don't really care at the moment. I don't need or want a boyfriend even if a cute nerd comes along. I can wait another ten years for that nerd to get his degree and have those dumb jerks call him 'sir' first.

OR, I shall end up alone, with my ten dogs and cats. =p Life is brilliant.

The Carmenata.

Today, I had brunch.

Because I woke up too damn late for breakfast, which is a relief, honestly, because I never seem to know what I want to eat for breakfast, other than a bottle of Vitagen. =)

So, my brunch ...

I feel like crying when I talk about it.

I went to my dad's friend's place for a Malay lunch. He and his wife are both tremendously good cooks. The dishes were splendid. When I say splendid, I mean it! Just the thought of them at this moment disables my brain from functioning.

This is why I always look forward to Raya. 

Coming up is Deepavali.

I think I shall be having some Deepavali brunch soon. =D

The Carmenata.

Yes, I know that even a three-year-old child is capable of doing this.
But spare me, wouldja? I haven't touched Photoshop in what seemed like eons.
My skills, or lack thereof, are rusty.

But, it's the thought that counts ... right?

-head is filled with sceptism-

The Carmenata.

Charles-Andre Comeau, happy 30th birthday.

I think I have hundreds of pictures of Chuck, yet this remains one of my absolute favourites. I've used it before over here, but I just can't get enough of it. Then again, there are many other photographs of Chuck that I can't really get enough of.

As of today, Chuck has walked on the surface of earth for three decades!

To me, no one compares to you.

There are thousands of others who may be millions of times better than you, but they are incomparable because you are Chuck Comeau.

The Chuck Comeau.

I wish you the best of everything in life and that you'll continue to live a beautiful life doing the things that you love best; hockey, music and everything in between.

Oh, let's not forget the computer.

And the Nintendo Wii. =)

I love you.

The Carmenata.

Mum said I'm slightly nuts, and is currently on my second phase of childhood.

And someone complained that I talk too much, and there aren't enough photos.

So ... knock yourself out.

My brand new pair of Hello Kitty Crocs.

The guaranteed reaction of everyone reading this is: -.-''' ... -.-''''''''''

Nevertheless, let me assure you that I'd thought about it for almost a week before making the purchase. It wasn't a hasty decision! xD

I uh, even received a free Hello Kitty Jibbitz.

I'm not ready to wear them out on the streets yet.

Okay, you can sue me now.

BUT BUT BUT!

They are adorable. Except the fact that my sister keeps making fun of me for having abnormal-sized feet. Apalah.

The Carmenata.

We don't need to go that far
Let's hold on to where we are
If it's real we'll make it through
'Cause all I need is you.

I'm riding a wave of emotions lately. At least that's how I feel.
I feel emotional, people around me feel emotional.
Basically, everyone's on the verge of pulling their hair outta their heads, strand by strand.

Can you imagine that happening?

Too bad I don't fancy being bald (I still love you, Jean-Francais Stinco!).
Or I might just give it a try.
And you know that I am crazy enough to do it too.

About a month ago, I expressed my utmost disappointment to a friend.

The feeling has returned.

The flames ignite from within, consuming me inside out in its turmoil as I begin to wallow in pain and sink deeper into nothingness.

Yes, I have a tendency to be melodramatic.

But that's honestly how I feel.

Sinking.

If you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up
'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall
You know I'll be there for you.

Nevertheless, the irony therein is that instead of helping myself, I'm trying to help someone else. Okay, I lied. A few others as well. Yet, I realise that if I can't help myself, I can't possibly help another now can I?

Gosh, I'm seriously a mess. But nothing a few songs can't help, I hope.

I didn't cry the day you moved away
Didn't think that I would feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you
Whatever happened to our innocence?
And that something that you said about being friends?
Tell me how, help me the words out loud

T_T

Upon rereading the post, it sounded as though I'm suffering from teenage love problems.

Ha-fucking-ha.

I, unlike M*****, don't get myself meddled up with love problems. I rather spend my time making fun of Lenna for eating too much marshmallows and chocolate and laughing at her when she falls sick. Okay, nah. I'm not that mean.

And to be honest?

I feel much better already. =D Writing is a release, undeniably the best form of escapism anyone can wish for. Am I supposed to thank God or thank our ancestors or thank my parents?

Whatever; thank you, God for what I have today. Thank you, ancestors who invented hieroglypics and thank you beloved parents for enrolling me in a nunnery*, because despite everything, they still taught me how to write.

The Carmenata.

*The politically correct call it a hell hole or a penitentiary. The politically incorrect say it's a school. My friends and I are better than those two: we say it's a nunnery. For the boys: it's called a monastery.

I lost my train of thought.

The Carmenata.

But just one night couldn't be so wrong
You make me wanna lose control.

Sometimes, one night is all it takes for things to go topsy-turvy.

Hui and I were talking about an hour ago, and another friend who happened to be in the conversation asked about this girl whom he hadn't talked to in a period of time. Then Hui something along the lines of, "Carmen, you wouldn't be able to stand her for a second."

"Why?"

"She's too dumb for you."

(Yes, it is undeniable that Hui is a brutally honest bitch. But that's why we're friends, because so am I.)

This ignited a thought inside me. I realised that I'm not that smart either. So who am I to have the right to comment about the stupidity of other people? I thought about it for a while, and then I have a plausible answer: The fact that I'm human, an ordinary human being just like everyone else, gives me the license to gossip, insult and comment on other people just to boost my alleged confidence.

Humbug.

But Hui's words ring some truth. Friends come together when there is compatibility. You can be complete opposites in terms of interest and whatnot, but you need to be more or less compatible. Maybe it's just me, but I term friends as people who think on the relatively same wavelength.

And maybe ...

To be continued.

The Carmenata.

P.S. Sorry, getting a bit sleepy. Let me recollect my lines and thoughts.

Every time I see your face,
I can see the games you play.
Nobody can break hearts better,
Why do you have to be so damn clever.

I realise that sometimes hard work isn't enough to get you what you want.

It seems like all that hard work I'm doing is going to waste because I only emerge as a lousy runner-up in this silent battle that enrages. And of course, people tell me that you are as good as a loser once you stop fighting, but in some cases, it's utter bullshit.

What's the point in fighting if she isn't going to open up her eyes and see that I'm actually worthy of that gold medal? Well, you may think some miracle may happen and whatnot.

But hey, let's be realistic.

she.is.effing.blind.

My rage is probably bordering on jealousy, but I know what I'm talking about when I say I can do it better. But who's listening?

-moment of silence-

EXACTLY!

The answer is no one.

I will not tolerate this.

DIE YOU WITCH.

In the name of Slash, you will perish when the lightning strikes the amp and a streak of electrically-powered notes hurls itself at you square in the face.

Ouchouchouch.

You have no idea how painful it is for me to type this.

Physically painful.

I'm recovering from fever/flu/sore throat/cough/body ache which visited me on Monday. Now that the fever had subsided, the body ache starts to set in. The doctor at the hospital said it should be aching at my lower back, but I'm getting in BOTH MY ARMS. It effing hurts. No, no, no. It really does fucking hurt.

The Carmenata.

It's silly how little things make me smile.
Like the way you smile at me makes me smile.

I can't quite describe it, but it's a happy feeling. I shall assume it's because there are so few people like you with whom I think on the same wavelength. I cannot deny that your intelligence surpasses mine, but to a certain extent, we have a similar mindset.

 What Does Your Walk Say About You?

I know very well that you are someone who revels in being at the top of your game, and personally, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that's what makes you so attractive.

No, no, no.

It's not a bloody crush, mind you.

It's just that you're someone whom I really, really want to have as a friend.

There is something about you that is rather magnetic. But who am I kidding? I know very well that very thing which draws me to you. It's the way you speak of substancial matters with a certain conviction. You know what you are talking about. You aren't bullshitting your way through. And even though I should've been annoyed at your cutting me off before I can speak, I feel quite the opposite.

 What Sign Do You Look Like?

You indirectly challenge me. I know that if I want to get my point across before you do, I have to be fast. No, I have to be faster than you. The adrenaline is exciting.

 What's Your Gift?

But no, it's not a crush.

I am just midly attracted.

That is all, because in the end, we shall go our separate ways and probably never meet again.

The Carmenata.

Hey moon, please forget to fall down,
Hey moon, don't you go now.

The Carmenata.

How much of a nonconformist am I?

Honestly, I don't really know, but I think I know where I get this trait from. =)

I'm not complaining. In fact, I think it's awesome. For so long, I've always thought that I was so mellow that I seemingly go with the flow. Recently, I find out that I don't.

Do you really wanna be like them?
Do you really wanna be another trend?
Do you wanna be part of that crowd?
'Cause I don't ever wanna
I don't ever wanna be you
Don't wanna be just like you

Here's the truth: no.

I walked out what seemed like ages ago, and I will not turn back. This is, by far, some of the best decisions I've ever made and I am truly proud to say that I have a brain to call my own. It may not work as well as Einstein's, but it certainly has the capability to think for itself.

Authority is blind.

I do not wish to be blind, thankyouverymuch.

I do not wish to walk into a brick wall, yet continue walking because I have not enough sense to stop, turn, take a look around at all the lights and sounds that make me what I'm supposed to be: human.

By the way, I think I'm being very discreet, no?

;)

The Carmenata.

I saw him surreptitiously wipe a tear from his eye with his shirt and I thought to myself:

I did this.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

But it's just that I can't seem to bring myself to say these words.

The Carmenata.

Would you please, please, please do me a favour?

Describe my personality.

Leave a comment here, tell me through MSN, send me an e-mail (dementedanddecayed@gmail.com) or leave a comment on my Facebook, just tell me!

Please? I really need it.

'Cause even though I've been with myself for 16 years, I can't quite describe my personality. =)

The Carmenata.

I hear the rotating razor blades of the fan.

I hear the humming of the air-conditioning.

I hear a pen rolling on the floor.

I hear some kid screaming some distance away.

I hear you turning into something else right before my very eyes.

I stop dead in my tracks, my eyebrows furrow and I bite my bottom lip:

Who are you?

What have you done to them?

And the you smile that smile of yours as you drag them further away from me.

I want to reach out, but they don't seem to see me.

How? When? Why?

But surprises seem to be a thing of the past.

I'm ... feeling numb.

It seems like I may never have them back, and at the same time, my senses don't seem to bother anymore. They're like needles that you've dropped into the sea without hopes of ever retrieving.

WtfamIdoing. This is depressing.

I think that's what lack of ice-creams do to you.

The Carmenata.

It's amazing how much you learn and how differently you see things as you grow up.

The social ladder that people are trying to hard to climb is endless.

You can go as far as possible.

But as people climb this ladder, they do not realise that the higher they climb, the higher the number of people that they hurt and the higher the possibility of their getting hurt when they fall.

Sometimes, it's best just to stay where you are and embrace it.

Go up a step if you will, but at a comfortable pace, and only if you're not hurting people you care about and people who care about you.

Then again, it's easier said than done.

Argh.

Bonne nuit.

The Carmenata.

Just because you're a teacher doesn't give you the bloody right to raise your voice or yell at me. If there's anything I hate more, it's to be yelled at for something I didn't do.

The story goes like this:

I was asked to distribute some files in the staffroom when this particular teacher came up to me and started yelling. Heck, she didn't even acknowledge me. She just went 'Oi!'

I tolerated. Because you can't blame people for being brought up that way.

And so she went on about something we overlooked when preparing the files. I was beginning to get angry for two reasons: a) she raised her voice at me and b) she sounded so accusing, as though I'd pushed her down the cliff and left her to die.

Right.

Then she walked off.

And swiftly turned around again to give me another dosage of [insertprofanityhere].

This time she was complaining about being given those files.

Ladida, ladida, ladida.

I AM ABSOLUTELY PISSED, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO RAISE HER VOICE AT ME. I AM NOT A PUNCHING BAG FOR HER TO DISPENSE HER ANGER AT. AND EVEN IF SOMETHING WAS OVERLOOKED AND SHE WANTED IT TO BE REDONE, SHE COULD HAVE ASKED NICELY.

My abhorrence has just reached another level.

DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME.

You don't have the bloody right. I didn't even do anything wrong.

The Carmenata.

I watched the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice (1995). Again.

Colin Firth has indeed played the part of Mr. Darcy very well.
And Jennifer Ehle (however her last name is pronounced) is brilliant.

But I'm brought back to reality once the show ends.

Honestly, how many guys out there in this day and age would be willing to sacrifice such a great amount to ease the distress of a girl he loves, who happens to have unintentionally broke his heart, but chooses to conceal it from her because he helps out of the willingness of his heart and not to win her heart?

Having typed that, I cringed a little.

It's a little far-fetched, but Jane Austen has written it so beautifully that you can't deny that this story is one true classic that will be embedded within the hearts of most, if not all, who have read it, until of course, when there comes an age when human beings have been transformed into mechanical robots with no proper feelings.

And then there's Alexandra Potter's version: Me and Mr. Darcy.

It makes me wonder a little. And then realisation dawns upon me that there can't possibly be a carbon copy of Fitzwilliam Darcy for every sappy romantic girl out there.

Besides, I doubt that Jane Bennet will want a Darcy. She'll much rather have a Charles Bingley.

It's pretty much the same for everyone else, undoubtedly. We can't all tailor our wants to fit the description of Fitzwilliam Darcy with acute precision. Hell will break loose when the aforementioned takes place.

The reason isn't as uncanny as it seems:

Every girl wants a Fitzwilliam Darcy without realising that some of them don't really want a Darcy to begin with.

The Carmenata.

I was blog-hopping when the phrase marsh potato cake caught my eye.

Perhaps it was a cake made from a mixture of marshmellows and potatoes.

Perhaps it was a cake made from marshmellows.

And maybe ...

... just maybe ...

It's just mashed potato.

That may just be an inspiration for budding chefs, but ... we shall see.

The Carmenata.

P.S. I spelt Philippines wrongly for my English exam. I went 'Phillipines'. I blame David Phillipe Desrosiers.

It's currently 1PM where I live, and initially, I looked forward to a whole day of lazing around reading my new book ... or rather, books. But all good thoughts come to an end, eventually.

I have unfinished homework.

-disappointing cartoon music plays-

Dang. Don't you just love exams sometimes? There's no homework, no datelines to meet and no one to bug you as long as you use the magic phrase: "I'm studying."

Besides, I don't study.

The books lies flat open on my desk and I stare blankly into space.
Then I start whining about failing the next morning.
After that, I kick myself when the results come in with poor As and moderate Bs.

Or occasional Cs.

But there are times when you really, really, really do need to study.
Your body and mind just won't cooperate with your conscience.

What I do is that I make sure I do my best to keep myself motivated.

This is what I do:

1. I frame three 4R-sized photographs of Simple Plan and place them on my desk. Whenever I look up and feel like going out to watch TV, I somehow see their faces and sit back down. It's almost like a reflex action.

2. Recall David Archuleta's study advice on Hitz.fm and also how he managed to get a 4.0 GPA during his sophomore year. 4.0 refers to all As, and if I'm not mistaken, the American high school system states that A is for marks from 94 to 100.

It helps, for someone like me who can't seem to glue her ass to the chair longer than fifteen minutes.

The Carmenata.

The paper wasn't that difficult, but somehow,

I don't love you like I did yesterday.

I expected better performance on my part, but I guess I failed to deliver.

I have three days of exams to go, and after that a tidal wave of work hits.

-groans-

The Carmenata.

We share a love-hate relationship that is pretty addictive. Can't stand it, can't live without it sort of thing.

There are times when I wonder why you exist, but then there are times when you make me so darn happy.

Remember the countless hours I spent with you, bickering over sheets and sheets of paper?

But today, you just made me feel alive. Excited.

After all those hours staring blankly at the pages of my History textbook, you make me feel alive.

Therefore, I'd like to say,

Thank you, Add. Math. =D

The Carmenata.

I is happy.

Lie.

I is sad.

That's a lie, too.

I is worried.

Maybe.

I'm running around in circles before making a split decision to bang into a tree.

Truth.

The Carmenata.

1

My pillar crumbled
to dust. But it's no phoenix;
it can't rise again.

2

So here I now lie,
Waiting, hoping for someone,
to help me stand tall.

3

But darkness is near
and you are so far away.
Will I survive this?

4

I shall persevere,
disobeying my body,
praying for the light.

5

It's moments like these,
that I think of you again.
But you are not here.

6.

We may cross paths again.
But then again, maybe not.
So here's my goodbye.

The Carmenata.

I've never really put two and two together until now.

Tell me, is my imagination playing silly tricks on me (as usual) or do they resemble each other?

A little, at least?

I know Pat (Patrick dang-you-are-awesome Langlois) is absolutely adorable in this pic, but let's focus on Sebbles (Sebastien i-have-no-middle-name Lefebvre).

And then compare him to Patrick Dempsey.

By the way ...

Something tells me Seb's on the left, and Pat's on the right.

One more thing ...

Click here to listen to something awfully awesome. =D

The Carmenta.

I never knew you were so open about it. So I told not a soul about what happened. It pained me to keep it away from everyone else, but I did it for your sake. I wasn't sure if you wanted anyone to know. Then I read it. You made it public. I suppose you must now know that everyone knows.

It's definitely going to be hard. Especially during those gatherings when she will be making cynical comments and start to make you look bad. Somehow, I see it coming. I'm sorry. But I do think she will.

The whole ordeal is definitely painful, and the journey arduous. And there isn't much for me to do, because I think you won't find me a good confidante, considering the relationship between the other she and I. But in case you manage to derive that you are the person I'm referring to, let me tell you that she felt bad about it.

When I first found out about it, it was from her.

She couldn't get it out across in IM, she said. But she didn't have to, because I already figured it out from the messages in your PM and the way she reacted. She called me, and was crying on the phone as she told me about it. I know how she felt, but I could only imagine how you felt. It was painful to the both of you, of that I'm sure.

You're probably angry at me because she and I are close.

She cried because of how the three of us are linked.

By the way, you never replied:

"Are you okay?"

Well, of course not. But I was worried, all right?

See you soon, I guess.

The Carmenata.

Put 100 guys together, and they won't look as cute.

Put 1000 guys together, and they can't sing as well.

David James Archuleta blew Malaysia away.

I now have two shades of colours on my shoulders (red and normal skin tone) from standing hours in the sun but when you hear him sing, all of that melt away and the only thing that comes to your mind is this:

It's all worth it.

He sang so beautifully that I was on the verge of crying.

The microphone didn't do him any justice, and the sound system sounded off.

But none of that seemed to matter then.

David owned the stage and even though I stood far away, I could tell that he was laughing and having a really good time. Oh, Archie. You sang so beautifully that I can't find the perfect adjective that can describe how goddamn awesome you were.

Blurry pictures and detailed updates later.

David oh David oh David.

You are incomparable.

The Carmenata.

Everyone changes, that's nothing new.

I notice the wind of change in myself. My confidence rises a notch, my meanness rises, my temper rises and my rate of ranting rises. Fortunately, the id hasn't taken full control. Superego to the rescue, or so I hope. My compassion has grown (slightly) and I have mellowed in the sense that I no longer see everyone as enemies. I put 2008 in the past, where it belongs, and have tried to move on. Yet, I'm sorry to say that some people are way too keen on digging up the skeleton.

There's honestly nothing I can do about that. I've done my best to forgive, and I think people should be more appreciative of that, because to forgive takes a lot of effort on my part. People in general know that I'm pretty vengeful. Not a pretty sight, of course. But I can tell you I'm trying.

Narcissism aside, I can feel my surroundings changing.

My friends have changed. Sometimes, when I look at them, I wish I can just hug them and say that everything is going to be all right. Especially you. When I see the look in your eyes, I can tell that if you keep on going like this, you'll collapse. I don't want that to happen. But you're not the type who shares your feelings openly - it's rare and alien for you. I understand. Nevertheless, there are things between two friends that need not be said. I know, or at least I try to know, how you feel. It's a maddening feeling.

I'm beginning to feel it too.

Unfortunately, the world isn't going to go back. It isn't going to stop. It's only going to keep moving, and moving faster. The weaker ones perish in the fast-paced battle, while the stronger ones have to become even faster and stronger to stay on top.

So where do you stand?

I feel things changing when I move.
Across this planet without you.

And then there are those who think they can rule without a battle.

Blasphemy.

The Carmenata.

Carmen's on Twitter ...

                               because Simple Plan is on Twitter.

<< http://www.twitter.com/thecarmenata >>

Why does my gut feeling tell me that by April 2010 I'll still have 0 followers? xD

Nevertheless, the news made me happy! Doesn't this reflect upon the state of misery I am in that even an infinitesimal piece of news can lift my spirits?

Talk about distressing.

Let's spend tonight
On top of the world
We can do anything
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight
On top of the world
Sweet as it seems
You're only in my dreams.

The Carmenata.

Please?

The Carmenata

In a way, I feel as though I'm moving on from that particular part of my life, and you pick up from the crumbs where I left off, and possibly made bread from it, but it was still after me and not before.

The transition feels weird,

                               with a touch of selfish triumph.

The Carmenata.

When I first saw you, I thought you were hot.

As I got to know you better, I thought you were no longer hot, but handsome in your own way. You are beautiful in a way only people who love you can see, because I've been told by those who don't that you are skinny and ugly.

I beg to differ, but deep down, I know it's because they don't share the same connection.

Seeing you makes me laugh, because everyone agrees that's what you do best. You bring smiles even upon the faces of teary-eyed strangers. They say you have Attention Deficit Disorder. But you are proud of it, and we too, are proud of you because ADD or not, we love you anyway.

You don't have the best voice in the world, but when you sing, you mean it. That's why they say, "Sing it like you mean it." You always mean it. I can hear it. We all can.

But I haven't always agreed with you on everything. There were days when I find that you acted a little too immaturely, too insensitively. Of course, you were a teenage boy then, and somehow, I have always known that's just an exterior. Those beautiful brownish-green eyes of yours always seem to dance to a tune different from what you portray.

As years pass, I no longer obsess over you the way I did when I was younger. But in my heart, I know that even though I no longer remember what your favourite food is (wait, it's sushi) or your favourite colour (it's still black, isn't it?) is or the fact that you adore zebra prints, I know that I still love you. I may sound insincere, but yes, I've always loved you.

David Philippe Desrosiers

Feeling slightly nostalgic.

Sigh.

The Carmenata.

I disallow myself to rant, because if I do, I might be taking anti-depressant pills. Meh, just kidding.

A friend of mine allegedly came up with an acronym for me (or so says another friend). Something along the lines of "Constantly Annoying Rumour-Making (Something) Nun".

I predicted the word 'annoying', actually. =D

I think there are a few reasons why my acronym makes me sound evil:

1. He is constantly teased by yours truly with one girl or another.

2. I'm awesome, duh! xD

3. He's always losing to me in a war of words and wit.

4. He's got too much free time, obviously.

Use that time to memorise your Chinese idioms, aight?

And oh! David James Archuleta is coming to Kuala Lumpur!!! I'm so happy I'm singing Summertime at random intervals!

On the side note, thanks to this song, I forgot whether it's actually 'summertime' or 'summer time'. Deciding not to risk it, I omitted it from my answer during my English paper.

-.-

Carmen fails English.

Anyway, is anyone interested in seeing Archie? =D =D =D =D =D

DO let me know aight!

The Carmenata.

I work and I work and I work.

But it's still not enough.

I need to work harder.

And if this is all for nothing in the end, then I don't know what else is there for me to do.

Then I put myself in the shoes of those who have not a care for anything, and I comprehend not. I pray that they will push and steer me in the opposite direction, for I do not wish to be like that.

Everything seems vague, but I will work, and I will work harder than what I'm doing now to get there.

Or so I hope.

Iaspiretobetysoninthatsong.

The Carmenata.

I don't know how many schools do it, but my school organises Friendship Week every year. It's during that week that we broadcast song requests, take myriad pictures, send notes and sometimes, gain new friends. At the end of the week, there will be a slide show of pictures that we have taken, followed by a sing-along session with songs that go all out to make the seniors and some juniors cry.

The people behind the scenes are evil, we know. We aim to make them cry. But I ended up tearing myself. -.-

Our school of 600-plus students stood side by side during the sing-along and belted out song after song with our arms linked to each other. We ended up scaring the teachers, I think, because when I turned around halfway through a song, not a single teacher was to be seen in the auditorium. =D

This year's Friendship Week was extra special to me because my friend and I were put in-charge of the slide show. It wasn't perfect, I'd admit (there were some technical errors. -.-), but we DID spice it up. Our songs were better, we were more 'hardcore' (we screamed into the mic at the beginning asking, "ARE YOU READY?!" the way bands did before a show! Teachers ain't gonna be pleased with us. =p) and out of sheer awesomeness on our part, we even managed to squeeze in some pictures of The Click Five!

The whole school went crazy over it! I'll bet anything the teachers know nuts who they are though. Darn ... Talk about killjoys. LOL. But of course, I'm still glad that most of my teachers aren't horrendously medieval. x)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

The Carmenata.

They shimmer all the same when the lights hit.

I was, and still am, blog-hopping. As I mindlessly go from a friend's blog to a friend's friend's blog to a friend's friend's friend's blog, I can't help but to tell myself how fortunate I am to be able to call this place my blogging haven.

The small community of bloggers on TOL makes this place feels like home, unlike other Web sites when you have millions of bloggers signed up and you can't even be arsed to know each other.

And, it's for a good cause.

That itself makes me happy. =)

 The Carmenata.

I can't describe in words how uber-excited I feel right now.

But I can tell you why:

I joined the Simple Plan Fan Club.

I think I won't be half as happy even if I were to get married. =D

Gah! Crazy crazy crazy! I can't believe it! They didn't use to ship to Malaysia, but now they do! Oh, gosh. xD

The Carmenata

I run around in circles,
looking for someone I can trust.
I look around in confusion,
looking for a shoulder to cry on.
I stare at you wondering what has happened,
because you seem like you don't know me.
I lie awake at night,
wondering what I've done.
Did I do something wrong?
Do you hate me?

I remember Sebastien Lefebvre once said (when he was getting a tattoo), "I'm not less of a man if I cry."

(He's Sebastien, not Sebastian - 'cause he's so darn unique!)

I see it as a feeble excuse not to be embarrassed in case he does cry while getting his SP tattoo on his hairy shin, but it has a hint of truth to it, don't you think so?

Besides, nine out of ten girls I know absolutely dig guys who are sensitive. Now I know why more than half the guys I know are still single. Just kidding! On the other hand, a certain friend of mine has just got a new boyfriend. And if girls don't like guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves, how else do you think sappy ballads become chart-toppers?

Personally, I'm waiting for the studio version of Don't Let Me Go. It's a picturesque sort of heartache that you can never let go. It's so beautiful it kills.

I can see your shadow lying in the moonlight
I can feel your heartbeat playing on my right side
Every night I long for this, makin’ up what I miss
I can hear you breathing letting out a sad sigh

You tried so hard to hide your scars
Always on your guard

Chorus
Don’t, don’t let me go
Don’t make me hold on when you’re not
Don’t, don’t turn away
What can I say so you won’t
No don’t, don’t let me go…

I can see the skyline fading in the distance
Tears are comin’ down I’m trying just to make sense
I don’t listen to the radio just the engine and the road
I wonder if my words are makin’ any difference

I dream and then it seems to end
but always come again

Chorus

I’m comin’ down
to where you’re standing
I need you now
or you’ll be watchin’
me hit the ground with crashing in….

Chorus

Dont let me go…
Dont let me go…

It's so beautiful that I'm not sure beautiful is even adequate to describe it. I know that May shares a love for this song too. When the album comes out, I shall dedicate the song to you! Haha.

The Carmenata

When you're all alone with the melody, do you close your eyes and think of me?

The Carmenata.

My school's Prefects' Installation ceremony took place today (19 January 2009). I have bore witness this occasion four times to date, but never has there been a time when I find it so terribly agitating.

I think it is partially because I know half of these people on the Prefects' Board and almost half of that half pretended that I am invisible (or not in existence) the moment I resigned from the Board. (Establishing PR of any sort with me does not benefit them in any way; that's how they see it.) The other partiality is due to the fact that I can see through them as I do when looking through a glass plane or a transparency sheet, and I see is something I will keep to myself and those who see what I see. x)

These things my eyes can still handle, but today something just blew over the top.

The story sequence is as follows:

1. My class (let's pretend it's x) and another class (y) were in each others' homerooms for one period. We leave our belongings the way they were in our respective homerooms and only took the books that we needed.

2. x came back and some of us found our things in disarray (some, like me, found Post-It pads with wacky messages on our tables). My classmate (A) found that one of the handles of her bag had snapped. Apparently, a prefect (D) had been seen sitting in A's place during that particular period.

3. Two decent prefects from my class took the bag to y to ask D about the matter. A was unhappy because D neither mentioned about A's broken bag strap or apologized for it. The bag also belongs to A's mother, and not A.

4. Our two decent prefects returned and informed us that D denied doing anything to ruin the bag other than shifting its position (so that she can sit more comfortably) and even arrogantly claims, "I have plenty of those bags at home. If she wants it, I can give it to her."

Suffice to say, many of us were disgusted.

We cannot deny D the benefit of the doubt, but A's bag has lasted THIS long, and the strap only snapped after D shifted it, which is to say, after y has been in our class. (Sorry, Post-It senders. Lol.)

The very thing that frustrates me further is that she does not see the need to even apologize for it. In her eyes, those 'cheap shopping bags' like the one A is currently using to hold her books (other than her schoolbag, since there are way too many books to carry) are not worthy of her apology and time. She probably thinks that A is not worthy of her time either.

Let me tell you this: I'm not a great story-teller. People are usually disinterested when I tell a story, because I have not the ability to capture an audience, but I tell as I see fit. I was a classmate of D's for many years before, and it actually takes mere months to see her true colours, provided you are the type who is able to assess 'sincere' and 'insincere' almost naturally.

Put it this way: even if you did not 'do anything to it', at least show some concern or even come to x to ask A about the matter.

You are only human.

Do not act like you are a notch above everyone else, because you are not.

The Carmenata.

I made my decision three years ago. Perhaps it's the new and strange environment that is making me recoil now. I told two of my friends about it, and then I told my mum about it. Mum says I will appreciate my decision in the long run, and asks me to persevere.

Perseverence is not exactly a virtue of mine, I suppose. But I have to learn. I'm no longer thirteen and no longer able to just run away whenever a problem arises. I have to endure, and hopefully, able to fight my way through and emerge as a victor. Thankfully, I still have you guys to help me pull through.

When I pass you in the corridors, see you during recess or meet up in the morning, I feel a comforting sense of relief. In short, I have three insane people to help me keep my sanity. =) Friends. How they make your life a whole lot better.

But then again, there are those who:

1. Have no idea what it takes to be a friend.
2. Have no idea how to be a friend.
3. Adopt a superficial impression of what a friend should be like.

I won't say that I am the 'best kind of friend' anyone can have, because I'm not, and I'm still learning how to be a better friend. But there are those who think they do, when in truth they see friends as people who are useful to them, people who help them jump on the bandwagon to popularity, which at the end of the day is just a fraud sense of security in which teenagers blanket themselves.

Then you have those who just move from a friend to another. It's the 'Oh, whatever's convenient' concept. The 'incovenient' friend is later dumped into the garbage can with a thunderous clank.

But whatever floats your boat.

If you decide to be pretentious with yourself and your friends, I won't be the one standing in your way and get blamed when your reputation is not flying sky-high.

To me, everyday is a new day where I learn how to be a more thoughful and less selfish friend. Everyday I try my best not to turn into someone who is horrendously f.ake.

To my Chinese friends, Happy Chinese New Year! =)

The Carmenata.

1. It's been three days since school started. I'm in Secondary Four. =) Occasionally, I walk straight ahead, leaving the poor junior to clear off my path right at the very last minute. Other than that, I'd like to think of myself as a pretty good senior.  -coughschokesdies-

2. I'm sick. Stuffy nose and sore throat. Must be that bloody essay I stayed up for last night only to find out it wasn't needed for class today. Grr!

3. I find out that I'll be missing three friends soon. (WJ, you'd better get into one of the Ivies!)

4. Surprisingly, I wish the teachers would begin teaching A.S.A.P. Secondary Four is not a honeymoon year, as opposed to what people have been saying. It's the 'divorce year', for Chuck's sake.

5. My friends have all undergone scary behavioural changes. They're all serious now, leaving me to think that maybe I should be the one in the mental ward.

And when I get better, I want ice-cream. Dang, Raya Rani.

The Carmenata.

I'm back from my Penang-Kuala Lumper-Singapore-Kuala Lumpur-Ipoh-Penang trip after a whole week! The smell of home is so darn good. =D

Anyway, from where I live, it's half an hour to midnight (as I type this) so Happy New Year 2009! Don't get so drunk that you pass out on the pavement, but then again, you're probably reading this with a hangover.

Oh! While shopping in Kuala Lumpur, I saw Jehan Miskin (a Malaysian actor).

My mom said, "Whoa ... he's pretty muscular."

And I bought Panic's Live at Chicago CD. Brendon Urie looks hotter than ever. And enough about my musings.

What are YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS?

Tell me ... so I can remind you when you get them halfway through the year. Haha.

The Carmenata.

I decided to share this story here, since I have no clue as to how many of you are fans of Simple Plan. This heartfelt story is one that you must absolutely read. Do it for the sake of being a member of TOL, do it for the sake of reading one of the most touching stories ever, do it for the sake of love, do it for the sake of having a heart, just read it.

An incredible & uplifting story comes out of “Save You”
December 17th, 2008

“I’m sorry, Simple Plan are not going to be able to call you tomorrow…They want to meet you backstage at their gig on Saturday night!”

In June 2007 I was told by my mum and dad that my dad had unoperable stomach cancer. At this time I had just overcome some bullies at school and I thought I was finally taking a step forward in my life, but as they say, I took one step forward and two steps back…

From then on my Dad stopped going to work and spent more and more time at home. But I didn’t start to notice the change until that Christmas. There was one last girl I had to sort out at school and my dad had been helping me and coaching me through it telling me how to present my self in a polite yet “get the hell out my life” sort of way!

Just before Christmas 2007 my dad told me that the chemo he was having wasn’t helping and was only making his body weaker. He decided to have no medical treatment as anything else the doctors could give him wouldn’t definitely work. This was massive and I couldn’t pretend I was fine any longer. I became quite depressed and didn’t really enjoy things or school. I thought the world was against me.

My dad and I were very close but during this time, I started listening to really deep, dark music. And I don’t remember how, but some how I started listening to a band called Simple Plan. The first time I heard them was when their song came on in the film Cheaper By The Dozen and I loved it! But this time I was really listening to the music and I could relate every song and every word to my life in some way. From the moment I started listening to Simple Plan I loved them! The songs are mostly upbeat but at the same time have SOO much meaning to them.

In March 2008 I took about a week off school to spend time with my dad. At the beginning of this week, Simple Plan’s new album came out. I got the album and started listening to it straight away. I heard this one song, called “Save You”, and the lyrics were “Sometimes I just wish I could save you”. As soon as I had listened to the album and decided what I thought of it, I took it to my dad and let him listen. I said, “Dad these lyrics are exactly how I feel towards you” - at this time he was now bedridden and we had been told he could die any day.

I spent my days listening to Simple Plan, I jumped at every opportunity to talk about them or to tell people how great they are or to listen to them, I felt really close to the band, even though they had no idea I exsisted. Over the week I had off school I chatted to my dad about music and lyrics and we spent time talking about Simple Plan and what we both thought of their lyrics. Simple Plan’s lyrics saved me from this time, I’m not sure what I would have done without them.

In my computer lessons in school I decided to create a website about Simple Plan, I read up on them and got all their details on how they formed etc. I signed up to their offical website fan thing, I wasn’t really sure but they sent me emails every once in a while to tell me about up and coming events and competition. I never enter their competitions because Simple Plan are an American based band so I didn’t think I had any chance in winning.

One day I saw the subject of an email from Simple Plan saying “Win an Interview with Simple Plan”. I read it and it told me that the song “Save You” was written for Pierre’s brother because he had cancer. I did some research and found out Simple Plan were raising lots of money for cancer charities world wide. This just told me AGAIN how amazing they are. To enter the competition you had to email in and tell them how cancer had affected you. I didn’t see any chance in winning so I wrote in 200 words and didn’t think much of it.

Next thing I know Pete from MTV is on the phone telling me Simple Plan are going to call me tomorrow at 3. I said I was at school and so he said he would talk to the band and see what he could do. He called back and said it wasn’t possible for the band to call me tomorrow and I honestly thought I had ruined my chances. But he said they wanted to meet me at their gig on Saturday night! I was SOOOO excited. I even managed to get 4 tickets, for my mum and two sisters. This meant more than anything to me because I felt SUCH a connection with the band and I had told my dad many times I wanted to meet them and talk to them about their lyrics.

So when I went along on Saturday we walked up to their dressing room and I got to chat to them and take some pictures. I asked Pierre how he came up with the lyrics and he told me, the whole room was silent and Pierre, the man I had been most longing to talk to, was talking to me, ME! But David the bass guitarist wasn’t there but I didn’t mind, I had a signed paper plate and pictures with the band! Then we went down stairs and “bumped” into the support bands, as well as getting lost and nearly walking onto the stage!

The show was FANTASTIC I loved EVERY minute of it. They all play with such power and meaning. I just felt SOOO MUCH more closer to them now that I had met them. Then they came to play Save You. David said he wanted to say some words so he spent quite a while explaining he had missed an autograph signing and he was sorry but he had just been told his sister was ill and he was getting him mum on a flight from canada and then they were going on to Paris. He was soo nice and said he would sign everybody’s autograph after the show. Pierre then said thats cool this song goes out to The Gleeson Family and his brother and David’s sister I imideiately burst into tears. I couldn’t believe all this was happening to me. After the show I queued up to get David to sign my paper plate next to the rest of the band. He gave me MASSIVE hug and an awesome chat. It was so amazing and he was really cheery and nice.

This just showed me dreams can come true and when life is tough just keep on walking because everyone get their chance to be happy! Now I know for sure my dad is always listening, because he passed away the week after I took off school, on Monday March 17th and this is a massive sign before christmas for me to know he’s here. I know he got me 4 back stage passes to meet and see Simple Plan on Saturday 29th November 2008 and that is something I will NEVER forget. If anyone learns anything from this, it should be to never give up and keep on trying as long as there’s hope there’s life.

This story came from Simple Plan's site. It brought back a surge of memories, how this very band changed my life and brought hope back into it.

I'm sure this story affected us all in probably some of the best ways.

Like I've always said, and will say again: To everyone I know, I love you.

The Carmenata.

I'm the epitome of inconsistency sometimes. I get spurred on to write a story, or perhaps, a fan fiction but I can be barely finished with the first chapter before I lose my inspiration and interest altogether.

But I don't delete them. I suppose that is the sort of person I am. There are times when I can throw away things, memories, people out of my life as though they meant nothing and yet, there are times when I cling on to them for dear life. And these words I write, they are life itself.

I can't promise that they will be the best thing your eyes have ever feasted upon, but I can guarantee that, although I may lose interest in them, I won't ever forget the way they flowed out of me when I first wrote them. It's as though my fingers have no control of themselves, and they just graze the keyboard, the tapping sound of the keys more often than not distinct to my ears.

-x-

My thoughts were that of little coloured Lego pieces which lay scattered all over the living room floor as an aftermath of furious stomps by the five-year-old kid, who, having constructed an impressionable structure with the plastic pieces, pretended he was a dinosaur on the loose, and that the miniature town he'd spent half the day on was in jeopardy of being destroyed by the little monstrosity.

There was a large piece of Lego under the sofa, one or two small pieces under the carpet, a few under the coffee table while a huge chunk slid of the maple veneered floor and into Mum's kitchen.

I fervently wished for the possibility of thus, yet age and experience manipulated us in a twisted matter as such that we perceive the simplest matter in the dimmest of lights.

When Mum walked into the living room, she would chastise the little boy, who then sullenly proceeded to picking up the pieces and putting back into his toy box, where those little coloured pieces belong.

For a brief moment, I desperately wanted to be in the shoes of that five-year-old, because no matter how much I would hate him for making a racket while queueing in line behind me as his mother waited to check out her groceries at the supermarket, his mind was of such admirable simplicity.

But the silly little riddle the little boy would distinctly learn in another four years said: What goes up but never comes down? Perhaps, in our biased regard for the undeniable truth in the answer made us dislike the riddle, and, with an evil turn of the human tongue, passed it off as silly, and, to a certain extent, stupid.

-x-

That's where I left the story: unfinished, unrequited, bound to remain within the folders within my laptop.

And here's where I leave you.

=)

The Carmenata.

I lost count of the number of times that I've  been playing this song. Sometimes it's not about how catchy the rifts are, or the heavy drumming, or the crazy Jimi Hendrix solo. Sometimes the simplicity in the lyrics is all that you need to make a song sound so absurdly beautiful.

I lapsed into an old habit of taking quizzes like a mindless, deranged person.

Take them too! =)

The Carmenata.

I'll concede that I'm slow on the Boleyn mania, but here I am. I made the mistake of watching the movie while I was halfway through the book, and therefore lost my interest after the movie.

The reason is one you'd not believe:

George Boleyn died.

Yes, I lost my interest partly because George died. Ah well, fret not. I picked up the book a day or two later, and continued reading, only to find out that not long after, William Carey died.

-.-

But of course, it ended rather happily.

(I'm going to pick up a new book soon, I suppose, and the cycle shall continue until Darren Shan's Wolf Island (The Demonata Book 8) is out at a local bookstore. His books are real page-turners, at least for me. Romance novels are starting to wear me out a little.)

The Carmenata.

One of these days, within these two weeks (maybe), I'm going to try to whip up a simple chocolate dessert. I think I can already hear my mom screaming when the kitchen explodes in a chocolate bath.

Choco-Nut Toffee

Peppermint Pattie Brownies

Teresa's Toffee

Tri-Layer Chocolate Pie

Pictures taken from Quick and Simple.

A friend of mine once said that he pities whoever ends up being my boyfriend. Not very far from the truth, I'd say. Think about the near-endless food poisoning he's going to get. Unless he does the cooking.

The Carmenata

Watched Bolt today. Practically everyone in the cinema laughed like hyenas, especially a certain girl next to me.

I think I'm going through a second childhood phase, again. I'm ... looking forward to all the comedies/cartoons hitting the big screen, namely Igor!

The commercial on radio went like this:

Narrator: (in deep, 'eerie' voice) Behind every mad scientist is an Igor ...

Mad Scientist: EEE-GOR!!!

(a moment of silence)

Blogger hangs head in misery.

Yes, I don't see how anyone can find it funny. But I actually cracked up. And today, my friend made me laugh so hard I dropped my fork with a clamorous clang.

I am crazy, going crazier.

And oh, when is David Archuleta ever coming to Malaysia? I are die to sees him.

Wish I can continue writing nonsense, but my show is starting. Tralala.

Au revoir.

The Carmenata.

I don't believe I've ever talked about the teeth dream I had a few months ago.

Details were vague, for it was a long-winded dream, but the most vivid 'scene' had been when I looked into the mirror, grinned, and realised that my teeth were dreadfully rotten and falling out one by one.

I awoke with a start, and recalled running my tongue over my teeth, felt the unmistakable metallic feel of my braces, and went back to sleep, filled with slight incredulity.

The next morning, I told a friend of mine about it with a laugh. She gave me a rather pensive look and said the dream signified something, as most dreams usually do.

-x-

Eric Dill, with his pearly whites.

-x-

So what exactly does the teeth dream mean?

A whole lot of negativity.

It is generally perceived that the dream occurs when triggered by poignant emotions, such as anxiety, fear of failure, abandonment, transition or embarrassment, helplessness, insecurity ... you get the picture.

Most of the translations of the dream are grim.

After all, there's nothing too optimistic about losing your teeth!

I'll be so depressed having to take liquefied food for all times (let's pretend I forgo the idea of dentures) that I may just turn alcoholic.

Just joking.

Have a nice day, everyone! =)

The Carmenata.

As of today, I have - at least I think so - learned another lesson. Valuable or not, the decision shall not be made until I reach a point in my life when I am finally able to put it to test.

In the meantime, I want Baskin Robbins this Friday. Baseball Nuts, perhaps. Or maybe Pistachio Almonds. Or, try a new flavour! There are 31 of them after all and I have been circulating with like, only ten.

And I want to go to Singapore and get CDs that I can't find over here. While I'm there, I think I'll pounce on Vernette.

WAIT A MINUTE. I finally realized the cause for all this mindless rambling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjoIGUq4DgQ

That's the reason why.

A song that sweeps me off my feet after what feels like an eternity. It's about time, really. =D

The Carmenata.

"Oooh, shiii-nyyy."

That's an A.D.D. moment for you. =)

The network connection is awful. TOL takes ten seconds to load, while PerezHilton took nearly a minute.

Ten seconds and a minute. It almost makes you think that I am impatient, which, I am.

But everyone's getting impatient now, aren't we? The ridiculous lifestyle grew on us to the point that we have now become accustommed to it. It still sucks, nevertheless.

Then again, just because everything around us is moving ever so quickly, are we to just mindlessly succumb to, er ... environmental pressure and force ourselves to grow up as well?

Let's look at it this way: I'm 15, you're 20.

Isn't there still a part within each of us that feels the urge to jump in excitement whenever we see brightly-coloured whatever hanging in display at the mall?

Okay, maybe that's just me.

And the kid in me tells me that while I'm still 15, I have to enjoy being fifteen. I'll get into those four-inch heels when I start working and my boss treatens to throw me out for those muddy after-concert Converse on his carpeted office.

And that picture of me over there? Yes, I know it looks gay. Stop telling me that. >_<

The Carmenata.

P.S.

<3.

Life has taught me not to expect too much, especially from boys.

They come hand-in-hand with disappointment and heartbreak. It's in a package, no à la carte, apparently.

Hear the sound of another friend sobbing over the phone.

It kills after a while.

The Carmenata.

(Just joking)

Warning: This is a post of unreasonable ranting, with mild Twilight spoilers.

As most movies based on books are, Twilight was disappointing. To me, at least. Almost every scene is overdone.

It's true that Edward Cullen supposedly emanates this intense and weird aura, but Robert Pattinson exaggerated his character to the point that Edward is now this absurd and depressing vampire-boy.

Way to go in ruining the image of perfection.

Jasper, on the other hand, was no different from those life-sized celebrity cardboards.

As for the script, it's awk-waaarrrd.

The lines edged on the robotic side. The flow seemed non-existent - abrupt, tense and again, awkward. And I do not want to come off as a sexist, but should there be a second Twilight movie, let a male direct it. For the love of New Moon, please do.

But if you perceive it from another angle, maybe it's not so much the script, more like the actors themselves are being awkward and uncomfortable.The vampire couples seemed comfortable down a science, but the rest of them (namely Eric Yorkie, Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley) acted as though they were in this cheapskate, nondescript, independent film.

And there wasn't enough Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) in the show. She deserves to showcase her gracefulness as written in the book as well as more lines and scenes.

Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart played Bella Swan well: clumsy, pathetic, desperate.

Of course, the whole thing did not suck that bad.

Credits goes to:

1. Romantic scenes between Edward and Bella. Those are yummy.

2. Emmett Cullen (Kellan Lutz) for simply being there. He is the synonym of drop dead gorgeous.

3. The hospital scene when Carlisle Cullen walked in. Whoosh. I think my heart dropped.

4. The appearance of James, played by Cam Gigandet.

5. The myriad of beautiful cards owned by the Cullens. They are to die for. Car and more cars. I cannot wait to see Alice's yellow Porsche.

6. The baseball scene.

7. The graduation hats.

I have ranted.

Seriously, get a better director.

Though, given the choice, I might re-watch the thing MINUS disturbances from my sister. She talked to me right one second before they kissed. Moment ruined.

Sigh.

The Carmenata.

A good book is when, after you have finished reading every line of every page, you feel as though you have just achieved something worthy of an award. It even makes you swell with pleasure. It makes you want to do a victory dance and shove the book under the nose of whoever it is sitting next to you reading a chick-lit.

In a way, I am currently reminded of when the Meg Cabot mania hit my friends a year or two ago. Just about every one of them could be seen with a Meg Cabot book in hand. The craze seemed to have got out of hand, hence my deciding to check out what makes her books all-that.

By the time I was on my third Meg Cabot book, I came up with a palpable conclusion:

1. The female lead character is almost always . . . dumb.

2. They always have a nightmare of an ex-boyfriend.

3. They always get the perfect boyfriend package - hot, rich, suave, successful.

4. There are always happy endings.

The concept applies to just about every single book. Despite the happy endings, I find it distressing to be reading a book of such simplicity after a while.

And no, it isn't because I'm up at 6.24 AM in the morning that makes me so cranky and offensive towards Meg Cabot fans. This post is triggered by my huge Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle) fascimile edition lying on a nearby chair in my bedroom. That, and the non-simplified version of Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) which I had completed a few weeks ago.

On second thought, maybe I am cranky.

I have a meeting in school later at eight.

During the holidays, might I add.

Yep, definitely depressing.

But depressed or not, it does not stop me from indulging in what-I-considered-to-be great books. And, no matter how childish it may be, I would almost always end up picking a fantasy over a romance.

Tralala.

The Carmenata.

I lost count of the number of times I've been dubbed a 'banana.'

You see, the Chinese community is very diverse, thus the myriad of dialects and languages. I am Hokkien, therefore, despite the fact that I am Malaysian, it is only natural that I know my mother tongue, which I do.

Nevertheless, the Mandarin language seemed to have sowed the seed of importance as well as of late. Having studied in an English-educated school since a child of seven, I fail to read, write and converse fluently in the aforementioned language.

This is when the story of the banana comes into view.

The skin of the banana is yellow, which, albeit it being something I have yet to comprehend, is used to represent the Chinese. But when you strip it off its skin, the flesh is whitish-yellow, like that of a Westerner! Of course, I'm not saying that every single Westerner is uh, whitish-yellow. It's just how the story behind the banana came about. -.-

In other words, 'banana' is used to make fun of Chinese people who can't speak their mother tongue/Mandarin.

-x-

Just a few days ago, I was hooked on to a certain Chinese song by the Taiwanese singer, Jay Chou. The song title is Dao Xiang, loosely translated as Fragrant Rice.

I searched high and low for the lyrics of the song, with pronunciation key to the Mandarin characters, and the meaning of it in English as well.

The very thing that made me realize what a moron I am started when I couldn't even follow the pronunciation key accurately.

Then again, no matter how beautiful the melody of the song sounded to me, it does not stop me from thinking how desperately Jay Chou needs to learn how to smile. All that brooding might just kill him one day!

Take a look at his pictures, and you will know what I mean:

-x-

Click here to listen.

Lyrics:

對這個世界如果你有太多的抱怨
dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan
If you have too many grievances towards this world,

跌倒了就不敢繼續往前走
die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou
Having fallen, you lose the courage to go on

為什麼人要這麼的脆弱 墮落
wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo duo luo
Why do people want to be so weak and fallen?

請你打開電視看看
qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan
Please turn on the television now and see for yourself

多少人為生命在努力勇敢的走下去
duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu
So many people bravely fighting for their lives

我們是不是該知足
wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu
Shouldn't we be content,

珍惜一切　就算沒有擁有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
Cherish all we have, even if we don't possess them

＊還記得你說家是唯一的城堡　
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
I still remember you said home is your only castle

隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
Following the paddy fragrance, the flowing stream, I continued running

微微笑　小時候的夢我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
Smile, I know the childhood dreams

不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑　
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
Don't cry, let the fireflies take you away, escaping

鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
You will always find serenity in folk songs

回家吧　回到最初的美好＊
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
Go home, return to the sweet past

不要這麼容易就想放棄　就像我說的
bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi jiu xiang wo shuo de
Don't give up so easily, just like what I said,

追不到的夢想　換個夢不就得了
zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le
If the dream can't be reached, then just follow another dream

為自己的人生鮮艷上色　
wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se
Add bright colours to your own life

先把愛塗上喜歡的顏色
xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se
Paint LOVE in your favourite colour

笑一個吧　功成名就不是目的
xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di
Smile, fame and success isn't the aim

讓自己快樂快樂這才叫做意義
rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi
Be happy. That is the whole meaning

@ 童年的紙飛機　現在終於飛回我手裡
tong niang de zhi fei ji xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li
(Just like how) I finally found my lost childhood innocence

＃所謂的那快樂　赤腳在田裡追蜻蜓追到累了
suo wei de na kuai le chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le
What is happiness? It's chasing dragonflies in the fields barefooted till we're exhausted

偷摘水果被蜜蜂給叮到怕了　誰在偷笑呢
tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le shui zai tou xiao ne
Tried to steal fruits but suffered so many bee-stings until I am scared. Who's snickering (at me)?

我靠著稻草人吹著風唱著歌睡著了
wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui zhe feng chang zhe ge shui zhao le
Leaning against the scarecrow, enjoying the wind, singing songs till I fall asleep

哦　哦　午後吉他在蟲鳴中更清脆
o o wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui
Oh~ Oh~ In the afternoon, the guitar chords sound more crisp amidst the cries of the insects

哦　哦　陽光灑在路上就不怕心碎
o o yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui
Oh~ Oh~ The sunlight shines on the road so there's no need to fear a heartbreak

珍惜一切　就算沒有擁有＃
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
Cherish everything, even if we don't possess them

＊還記得你說家是唯一的城堡　
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
I still remember you said home is your only castle

隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
Following the paddy fragrance, the flowing stream, I continued running

微微笑　小時候的夢我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
Smile, I know the childhood dreams

不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑　
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
Don't cry, let the fireflies take you away, escaping

鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
You will always find serenity in folk songs

回家吧　回到最初的美好＊ hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao Go home, return to the sweet past

＊還記得你說家是唯一的城堡　
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
I still remember you said home is your only castle

隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
Following the paddy fragrance, the flowing stream, I continued running

微微笑　小時候的夢我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
Smile, I know the childhood dreams

不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑　
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
Don't cry, let the fireflies take you away, escaping

鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
You will always find serenity in folk songs

回家吧　回到最初的美好＊
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
Go home, return to the sweet past

The Carmenata.

I don't remember my hands tightening into little fists as I ran, but when I woke up, the palm of my left hand hurt, and right in the middle was a mark where my little finger had embedded itself.

I would say it was quite a while since my nightmares were this good.

The Carmenata.

Ten minutes is all I have before I take a quick shower and head out to dinner with my dad's friend and his family. I find it a mild form of privacy invasion to dine with people in whose company you don't particularly find comfort.

I mean, yes, I have dined with them several times before, but . . .

It still can't beat the time May, Sylvia, Liwen (Syl's sister) and I ate bread and biscuits by the roadside in front of Hard Rock Cafe in Kuala Lumpur just so we could be the first in line (free standing, apparently) to catch The Click Five's showcase. (We were there as early as 8 AM!). That day was November 7, 2007. Crazy people we were, and still are!

Miss those days. <3

And now, awkward dinner ahead.

The Carmenata.

When I was younger, say maybe 13 or so, I occupied my time browsing through hopelessly cheesy love quotes on blogs (namely those on Xanga) and I would jot down those that appealed to me. Lovely as they may be, we all know that such love borders on the brink of inexistence. After all, the human mind is feeble, and our opinions and thoughts, no matter how headstrong, can be swayed.

Nevertheless, that's what dreams are for - to nurture even the tiniest spark of hope within us and to keep us relatively sane.

Indulge!

1; Love is not about finding the right person and creating the right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, it's about how much love you build in the end.

2; For every girl with a broken heart, there is a guy with a glue gun.

3; Really loving someone means that their happiness is the most important thing, even if you're not a part of it.

4; At the end of the day, I want to be able to fall alseep knowing that our lives are intertwined in a way only we can understand.

5; It's like every single time I try to move on, I end up comparing everyone to you. In the end, I always end up back to the start because there's no comparison to you.

I still have half a notebook of quotes to go, but we'll save them for another day.

Right now, though, my favorite quote is this:

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

The Carmenata.

I don't remember exactly where, but I'd read somewhere that this guy (whom I think is heinously cheesy!) was at a club and tried to pick up this hot chick he had his eye on. So he went up to her, fished out an ice cube from his glass, broke it with his fist and said, "There; I broke the ice."

And since that's the only icebreaker I can think of at the moment, I suppose it makes me as cheesy as that guy described above.

-sheepish grin-

I would say that this post is the aftermath of an overdose of sugar. My friends and I finished a few packets of M&M's and gummy bears over Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa. Le film est très bonne!

The Carmenata.