I would kick you repeatedly in the balls for this whole experience.  At first, I liked the songs, they were cute and catchy...but now, I've got a bone to pick with you Sasha Fierce!  Every time that I turn on a radio or watch TV, I hear "If I Were A Boy" or whatever that song is where you dance around wearing a bathing suit and a robot hand in the video.

I don't mean to take my frustrations out on you.  It really isn't your fault.  I just feel that this whole Sasha Fierce thing has gone a little too far.  I just saw you on Oprah.  Yes, I watched Oprah...I also wear make-up, jeans that are far too tight to achieve full mobility, and I spend too much time on my hair for any testosterone-producing creature...but I digress.  On Oprah, you spent a large portion of valuable interview time explaining your 'duel personality'.  

I get it.  Being on stage produces an incredible rush of adrenaline that is unlike anything else, but to suggest an alter-ego is pushing it.  I just think that it might be a poor career choice.  Look at what the past has shown us about celebrity doppelgangers...Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines, Mariah Carey/Mimi, Eminem/Slim Shady, Michael Jackson/Skeletor, Damon Wayans/Marlon Wayans (they're different, sure, but I always get them mixed up).  It really only ever worked for David Bowie.  

I think you're talented, and beautiful, and blah, blah, blah.  I think that the two aforementioned tracks are catchy, and, "If I Were a Boy" will probably win a Grammy.  I'm just not digging the new personality thing.  

You're changing...that's cool.

It's not you...it's me.

I just miss Destiny's Child.

 Love,

Tommy

So...I'm sitting up watching infomercials at 4:30AM.  Don't ask me why...I couldn't possibly give you an answer that wouldn't sound like complete bullshit or make me appear to be a serial killer.  The best thing that I can tell you is that the content on any current infomercial is, in my eyes, the most accurate gauge of the perceived intelligence of our society as a whole.

I mean...think about it. The days of "3 Easy Payments of [insert random monetary value here]"  are over.  At least in those days you were getting yourself a real product, even if you were entering yourself into a payment plan that made absolutely no sense with regards to the actual value of what you were purchasing.  They've taken the old sales adage "sell a bag of shit to a baby" a little too far.  

I'm currently watching a woman whose past plastic surgeries are so obvious that she might as well have filmed the infomercial with her face still wrapped in bandages.  She's selling a product that gets rid of wrinkles.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  The product is essentially a vibrating dildo that you rub on your face to get rid of wrinkles.  How can a dildo get rid of wrinkles?  If you know, please tell me...I am going to lose sleep trying to figure out the answer.  Lucky for me, the next infomercial is probably going to offer a miracle pill that will make me sleep through armageddon without feeling drowsy the next day (side effects may include: rash, nausea, migraines, sudden loss of appetite, vomiting, erectile dysfunction, and sudden death).  Sign me up for that!  

Come on.  Seriously.  People really buy this crap...I'm one of them.  Damn.

Tommy

***For the record:  No 70's Compilation should ever be sold on TV without Andrew Gold's "Lonely Boy"...look it up...it's cheesy in the best way.***

Alright...this is my first blog.  I've been asked by Jade and a few other bloggers on several occasions.  I answer each request by saying, "Absolutely, I'd love to!", and, each time, I don't follow through.  Maybe I thought that I didn't have anything to write about that was universally accessible and/or interesting, or, maybe I'm just lazy (which is a far more feasible scenario).  Anyhow, here it goes...

I was planning on writing a serious blog on my opinions about "The Holiday Season" or whatever...blah blah blah.  Then, I started watching LOST.  I'm not really a 'TV-person', or, rather, I don't really watch TV outside of TruTV or The Discovery Channel.  

I was convinced that it was imperative that I rent Season 1 of LOST and start from the beginning, watching through each Episode until I've caught myself up on everything that I have 'missed'.  I really didn't buy it, but I agreed nonetheless...I"M ADDICTED!

I can't stop watching.  I've been sitting in the same place for upwards of three hours with no sign of moving in my future.  I dig the plot, I dig the characters (with a few exceptions), and I dig the way the show is filmed.  One question...

Is it wrong that I think that the pregnant Australian girl is hot?

Tommy

PS  It isn't because she's pregnant...you sick, sick people.

Hey gang,

My deepest apologies for not being back here in a while. Things around town have been crazy to say the least, some good crazy, some not so good, but it's all working itself out...That's the most important thing. A lot of people have been asking about our tour van situation. No, we don't have a replacement yet but hell we still have 4 days before we leave right?? haha

After I last added an entry so many things have happened it's almost hard to begin. I'm never gonna let it go this long again. That much I promise...

Anyway, so since my last blog I've been spending most of my time on tour with my group, The Crash Moderns. Our debut record just came out so it was time for us to hit the road in support of it. Since early Feb I think we've been home like a total of 2 weeks, and that time is usually spent working odd jobs to try and pay a bill or two and squeeze in some pocket change for the next tour. Which, by the way, starts yes, in 4 days...

The tours themselves have been awesome, and the people we've met, for the most part, have been so incredible. Always an asshole here or there but for the most part, there are so many good people willing to give up their homes/floors and food to us. These tours are by no means glamorous, but man, so much fun...

We did have the awesome opportunity to hang out in Nashville for a couple of days with our One Love family and that was too cool. Big thanks to you guys, by the way, Cassie, Jade, Kathy, Caroline and crew for being so hospitible to the poor ass rockers from NJ/NY...

That trip to Nashville marked our very first trip to Sonic. I have the pics to prove it. They're touristy as hell but I may just put one up for fun...next to the pic of my ever growing Pez collection...We'll talk about that another time.

Anyway, seeing the country was out of control. This tour took us just about everywhere you could imagine. Some highlights would have to be playing to a sold out crowd of 2000 down in South Padre Island for Spring Break 2008 to sipping the best damn frozen margaritas in the world with the guys and Mike McDougal of Hot Topic at Gueros during SXSW, to skiing (breaking my ass) in Salt Lake City Utah to gambling my life away with G money in Vegas to finally puking my guts out all over Sunset Strip after a night at The Whiskey a go go in LA...FUN FUN...

Oh, then the craziness really kicked in to high gear. One day while driving thru Arizona, G and I had the bright idea that we weren't really getting the "full" experience of Arizona. You know like the stuff you see in movies, read about in books, all the cool stuff like the desert, cactus, scorpions, rattle snakes. The "real" Arizona. We were on a dreary main highway. The same one it seemed like we were on for days...So boring...

So we convinced the other guys, somehow, that Route 88 would truly give us the sites we were looking for and cut 2 hours off our trip to boot...

About a mile in things looked amazing...We had it all, true AZ scenery. The works...I think we even saw a coyote or maybe it was a stick, I don't know, anyway we were psyched...Mikey even pissed on a cactus...

So as were driving we notice some lights up ahead in the distance. As we proceeded further we came upon a street filled with cop cars. Apparantly Route 88 had collapsed up ahead and we were to be detoured along with a long line of other cars onto "OLD 88". Why was it called OLD 88?? I'll tell you...

Old 88, which we later found out, is a historic landmark of sorts. Old 88 was an old pony express trail and because of this, it was against the law to build guardrails along this particular stretch of road.

The next sign we see is "unpaved road for next 26 miles". Now keep in mind we are in a 1988 Dodge Ram conversion van that looks like something out of the A-team and that at best peeks out at 35 MPH up hill. Mind you, we're also pulling a trailer with well over 1000 pounds of gear.

So now we find ourselves traveling on the side of a cliff. I'm not even kidding a little. The mountain is to our left, and an 800 foot straight drop to our right. The steep uphills were almost impossible and the downhills were pure suicide. As we're making turns at like 5 miles an hour, rocks are literally falling over the edge.

Ok, so if things weren't bad enough to begin with, as we're approaching about the 4 mile mark (22 to go) the brakes go straight to the floor!! If this had happened on a downhill we would have been done in for sure...

I quickly pulled the car over to the cliff and waved the following cars on.

Oh yeah, did I mention that there was only one lane...yet cars were coming in the opposite direction as well....

Ok, so now we're officially stuck. The scene unfolding around us is exactly that of the first and much better "Hills Have Eyes" remake.

The hours go by and by now we are the only vehicle in sight. It's pitch black. We're up against a mountain. A cliff to our right. Not 1 bar of cell phone service on any phone. And we wait.

It's decided that Tommy and I will sit up in the driver and passenger seat and alert any on coming cars to us as they come whipping around the mountain, by turning the lights on for a brief second as to not kill the car battery...

Finally at around 4:30 AM a tow truck that was called by someone who apparntly passed us appeared and lifted our van onto the flat bed and hitched the trailer. At that point, happy to be alive, the rest of us all climbed into the flat bed for the 1 hour journey around the remaining miles of the hill...None of us will ever forget the night on old 88. That I know....

So many great tour stories, here's one last one...

1 day before we were to arrive home from the last leg of the tour, our wonderful tour van (The SS Salty Balls) decided to leave us stranded in St. Louis, Missouri. Already pretty fed up with it at this point (We had just put a brand new starter in it a day earlier) We had a friend come and pick us up on the side of the highway, hitch up our trailer and pull away leaving ol SS in the rear view mirror. I'm not even kidding. I didn't even call it in for like 2 days...

We did manage to make it home finally, by lying to a very nice lady at a U-haul location. She rented us a box truck that seats 3 ( We, of course, were 6) and proceeded to belt buckle in 3 lawn chairs to the inside of the back. We drove straight thru... 20 hours.

But all of this was just a lead up to last weeks hometown record release party in front of a packed crowd at NYC's Bowery Ballroom...Oh man, what a great feeling...Thanks so much...

I'd like to send a very special thank out to everyone who have touched our lives this past year. It's meant everything to us. I know that the rest of this year is gonna be a lot of hard work but it's been so worth it. Thanks...

Our plan for The Crash Moderns is to continue touring for remainder of 2008. First the US then hopefully the UK and parts of Europe and Asia, but we'll have to see. Next up on our plate is this next tour which starts on Saturday. I love the east coast, and I really love the beach so I can't wait to get back down to SC and FL...

Anyway, I'll post another blog from the road, before I get home and forget all the really good stuff...

See you guys soon...Hope you're all having a kick ass Spring...

xoxo-Danny