no, i'm not okay, but i will be.

for the umpteenth time today, i wish that i'd be in Australia instead of.... here. here, i feel like i need to prove myself, though to whom, i wonder. i feel like my every step in this campus is being watched by invisible eyes, critiquing what i wear, what i'm doing, who i'm with. i dread being alone. it's getting really unnerving and uncomfortable, and i'm almost wishing that my ratty old Gap sweater would swallow me whole whenever i walk across the courtyard so that people would see nothing but a sweater floating in midair, not the self-proclaimed freak who's wearing it.

whiny, i know. but that's how it is, that's how i am. that's how i feel you'd understand if you were in my shoes. i don't feel like i completely belong :( 

maybe today i got up on the wrong side of bed. maybe today my brother's loud, recurring knocks on my bedroom door that jolted me out of my sleep made me leave a part of me behind, still sleeping under my soft down quilt. who knows, really? 

i miss Huai a whole bunch. i miss talking to Terence. i miss Joan, who's still here but seems to be an entirely different person. i miss the familiarity and the comfiness of our little main-group, cracking jokes that only we would get. it all seemed to have disappeared once we left Terence's driveway, blowing him farewell kisses from the passenger seat. 

i wish i could really tell someone how i REALLY feel about this whole thing; about being suspended in this awkward little time warp that isn't exactly a time warp, but no one would really understand how i feel, unless you're in a similar situation. 

and no, i am not okay. but i will be.